abuse, betrayal, Emotional, healing, infidelity, Mental, Narcissist, PTSD, Self Care, Trauma Recovery

Where Focus Goes Energy Flows

Are you having obsessive thoughts? What are obessive thoughts? Why are they related to betrayal trauma? These questions, and others, will be addressed in this post to help you better understand the connection between betrayal trauma and obsessive thoughts, how to handle them, and the best ways to get past them.

Obessive thoughts happen as a result of being betrayed by your primary relationships. This is the one person you always thought you could count on for safety, love, and survival. And now you can’t. This causes a trauma so deep that it is difficult, but not impossible, to recover from it. Betrayal trauma mimics the symptoms of PTSD, and for good reason! Being betrayed by your primary attachment relationship is dvastating!

Thinking. Girl solving a problem. Conceptual image.

Dr. Randi Gunther, PhD says, “The partner who has been betrayed is emotionally tortured and humiliated when knowledge of the infidelity emerges. They are clearly in trauma and experience the same array of symptoms that professionals now describe as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Similar to any others who have suffered threats to their physical or emotional well-being and security, they are disoriented and confused by what has happened.”

Many women that I talk to have a similar experience to the quote below;

“Ever since I found out about the affair, I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I have repeated nightmares. My faith in trust and love is demolished. The person I believed in most in the world betrayed me without seeming to care. If I’d known something was wrong, maybe I could have stopped it before it got going. I spin between being devastated and being enraged. I can’t seem to find any peace, knowing that there is probably more than I will ever be told. I feel like a fool, humiliated, and broken. How could my partner do this to me?” 

Also, if the affairs and lying go on for months or years without any improvement in the behaviors of the betraying spouse it is abuse! When this abuse continues, it results in trauma bonding. It is also more than likely that the addict is exhibiting narcissistic behaviors resulting from his sex or porn addiction. Being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner is also abuse and can cause long term damage to you, and your children. It is important to name these experiences for what they are so you can reassure yourself that you are not over reacting to the affairs,ifidelity, and behaviors of your partner!

When your primary attachment relationship partner cheates on you, it is abuse! When he hides that affair from you, it is abuse! When he lies about it, it is abuse! When he continues to do it after the affair is discovered it is abuse! And when you endure this abuse over long periods of time you will likely develop betrayal trauma and PTSD. I wish someone had told me this, because had I known what was happening to me, I would have left immediately. Just the obsessive thoughts is enough to make a person feel crazy and nobody wants that!

I became aware of my obsessive thoughts very early on in my Cheaters betrayal. In the beginning it was obsessing about what he was doing, who he was with, and how I was going to help him get over his addiction. Later on, the list of things I could obess about over him grew exponentially. What is he doing? Where is he going? Who is he with now? Why did he leave me? Why didn’t he love me enough to fight for me? Why did he destroy our family? …and on and on and on, to infinity and beyond!

Why? Why? Why?

And almost always the thoughts centered on him! Not me! I was suffocating in the thoughts of him and completely ignoring me. At first I thought that thinking about him would help me. But it did not help me. It still doesn’t help me.

It is important to understand that obsessive thinking isn’t a pathological response to trauma. It is a normal response. Until you take steps to grapple with shattered assumptions and construct a story about the affair that makes sense to you, you will be prone to obsessing. In other words, obsessive thoughts may intrude throughout the process of recovery until healing is complete. But how do you heal from something that is so all encompassing and consuming?

A turning point in gaining control of my obsessive thoughts was when I was listening to a guided mediations, and the voice said, “focus goes, energy flows.” Later in the same meditation the same thought was reframed, “what you focus on grows.” A light bulb when on in my brain! I was allowing him to be the focus and center of my attention, and by doing so he was growing in power and energy in my mental and physical world. I decided then and there that this had to stop!

Energy flows where attention goes.

Compass with needle pointing the word vision with blur effect plus blue and black tones. Conceptual image for immustration of company or business anticipation or strategy

Later, in my healing journey a came across the idea that my thoughts create my reality. I became aware that what I was thinking about really had a tremendous impact on my outer world. Did I really want him and his betrayal of me to become the focus of my world. This thought process is what made me stop writing this blog as much. I knew I had to focus more on healing to be able to continue to help others heal. “Where focus goes, energy flows.”

I have to explain two things here before we begin;

  • This doesn’t mean you have to ignore all the hard emotions your are experiencing! In fact, it will be important for you to address them, so you can heal from them. I will talk about how to do that more in future posts.
  • Mastery of your thoughts takes time! So please be patient with the process. It takes a lot of work to master your mind! Do not think that you are a failure because it doesn’t happen overnight. Depending on how pervasive your trauma and abuse were, it could take years to overcome it. Don’t be discouraged by this, anything worthwhile takes practice. Healing from this is worthwhile! It will bless you and those around you for generations.

So lets get started!

Many traditional therapy modalities have great tools for overcoming obsessive thoughts, and I use, or have used, many of them. for example, journaling is very beneficial. There is much good that happens from putting all the thoughts you have down on paper, or in a blog, to get them from living in your head. Also, I loved the idea of giving myself permission to obsess for a determined amount of time, sort of like getting it out of my system! EMDR was also a lifesaver! I was so disturbed by what was going on in my inner world that I was willing to try anything to get some relief from my own mind! But in my healing journey I wanted to go deeper. I felt that I had only scratched the surface in healing with regular therapy. There had to be more! Enter energy healing

So to the list of traditional therapy tools for obsessive thought I add a few of my own;

  • Grounding – this is a great tool to get your thoughts out of your head and push all that energy down into your lower chakras, specifically the root and solar plexus, where it can be transformed into positive actions. When you take the time to ground, you will be better equiped to take action and complete tasks.
  • Get out in Nature – Along with grounding, there is something very healing about being out in nature! Take the time to just be outside. I have a patio surrounded by trees and bushes. I planted flowers in pots and it has really become a natural oasis. Sometimes I just like to sit out there and read book. (Reading is also a great way to redirect your thoughts!)
  • Meditation – Meditating is critical for developing healthier thought patterns! I meditate now for at least an hour a day. If I don’t meditate then I feel the difference. If I do mediate it helps everything else in my day go better. I have tried meditations apps that I love and work for me I like Insight Timer the best. I also use lots of free YouTube videos, here are some of the channels I subscribe to .
  • Prayer and Scripture Study – Also critical to controlling obsessive thoughts is connecting to God. It’s important to daily remind yourself what He thinks of you and wants for you in your life. There is a quote that fits perfectly to explain why this is important. “If you want to talk to God – pray, if you want God to talk to you – study your scriptures.” Nearly every single day I get an answer to an important question that I have been searching for, just by studying my scriptures.
  • Exercise – I’ve learned that there is no better way to get out of your head than to get physical. I am not a big exerciser. I don’t love it to be honest! But I have to do it, to stay in my own recovery. Everyone can find some way to physically release energy! In the process of healing I found that some of the Eastern exercise modalities where very beneficial to me and very doable. If you don’t love exercise then check into the more meditative forms of yoga, Tai Chi, and QiGong. Recently, I came across the videos of Misti Tripoli and her dance system called Body Groove. It’s exercise through dance! I used to love to dance in my life before marriage. So I thought I would go back to that time and renew an old love. This is a paid program, but you can find many free videos on YouTube to get you started. I have provided links to some of the videos I like. Even if you can’t exercise there are things you can do to get physcial. Some idea are; exercising from a chair, walking, or working with your hands in clay.
  • Affirmations – Change your thoughts, change your life! It is really true! Scripturally speaking “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” What do you think about? In the beginning of my trauma healing I would listen to affirmation videos on YouTube for hours on end. I just put my headphones in and listened while I went about my day. I listened in my car (Don’t mediate in the car while you are driving!) Affirmations are not mediations. These are positive thoughts that will help you reprogram your mind to think in a more affirmative way.
  • Gratitude – I must admit, I didn’t feel like I had much to be grateful for! The love of my life betrayed me and destroyed my family, it was hard to find gratitude! But then I learned about the energetic frequency of gratitude. It turns out that gratitude vibrates at about 900mhz and God is at 1000mhz. Gratitude is really, energetically speaking, the quickest way to get close to God, and I wanted to be close to Him more than anything. So, as the angels would have it, I found a gratitude practice. It literally fell in my lap! I know now that when things come to me, it is for a reason, so I set about doing a 28-day gratitude practice. It not only changes my thoughts, but also my outlook on life in general! Give it a try!

These are all tools that you can use for yourself without any special training. I used them when I was in the middle of my traumatic responses, I still use them today. You may find is that trauma changes you in profound ways. I cannot tell you how much it has changed me and my life! I have had to completely reinvent myself and my life, particularly how I do things on a daily basis. Many, if not most, of these tools I listed above I MUST do daily, or at a minimum, weekly to keep my mind in balance. It is imperative that you start a daily self-care routine and practice it just like you would practice as sport or musical instrument. I still have to quiet obsessive thoughts, not as much as I used to, on a regular basis. I had to come to terms with the idea that this may be my new normal. However, a life of meditation, grounding, scripture study, prayer, exercise and affirmations is not a bad thing! Being traumatized will change your life, whether those changes are for your healing or destruction is totally up to you!

Change your thoughts, Change your life!

If you find that these tools are not enough and you need more help ask to join my private facebook page Empowered Healing where I go over more in depth tools I use for healing.

Coming Soon! You can also book a session with me for one-on-one coaching. I never want you to feel like you have no place to go or no one to help you!

Stay Sweet, Be Strong!

The Cupcake Warrior

Trauma Recovery

On the Road to Indifference

Chump Lady says that the best thing you can do when you have been chumped is to get the the land of Meh just as soon as possible. Meh is not easy. Meh is hard! Meh = Indifference. It is that point in your recovery from Betrayal Trauma when you don’t think of your Cheater, either good or bad. indifference is the goal.

“Meh” — that liberating place of acceptance — is where you no longer are consumed with cheater drama. You don’t love them. You don’t hate them. You sort of pity anyone within a five-mile radius of them, but their existence doesn’t rock yours anymore. You’re Meh. Whatever.

Chump Lady

Trust That the Cheater Sucks

One of the things that keep Chumps from getting to Meh is that they do not trust that the Cheater Sucks. Chumps keep holding out hope that the Cheater will come to their senses and want their life, wife, and children back, otherwise know as, smoking “hopium.” But I thought my Cheater was “special” or “different” and worth holding out with my best hope for reconciliation. I just could not phathom that he would willingly give up his amazing family for someone who is clearly a step down. Logically, it made no sense to me. It still makes no sense! The most glowing thing he can say about his wifestress is that she is “nice” to him. Did you catch that? He is in a relationship with her because he was willing to give up his family, children, and grandchildren, and his best explaination is that she is “nice to him.” (Insert eyeroll here.) Trust that he sucks! Once I could trust that he sucks, I stepped on the Road to Indifference.

The Pick Me Dance

So I did the pick me dance way longer than I should have. I, mistakenly, thought I could win him back! I mean, I had 38 years of solid credibility! Why wouldn’t he pick me? The “Pick Me” Dance” is how the cheater gets the wife to prove to him why he should choose his wife of decades over his mistress of weeks or months. This is another piece of the infidelity puzzle I did not understand. So I danced. I danced for a long time with no success. I didn’t realize that he was never going to pick me. Once I stopped dancing the “Pick Me Dance” I step on the Road to Indifference.

No Contact

The biggest single thing I did to get on the Road to Indifference was to go No Contact. No contact is a game changer! The “no contact” rule is important for a number of reasons, most important of which is that it is an effective coping mechanism to help you move on. The “no contact” rule has certainly worked not just for me, but also for a lot of other people. In a nutshell: Without any physical reminders about your ex, you’re able to get over the breakup in a shorter span of time. The single most critical thing I did to get on the Road to Indifference was to go no contact. And I am talking about this kind of no contact, not this! Some people go no contact to get their ex back. I am not talking about that kind of no contact! I am talking about the kind of no contact with a narcissist. Make not mistake, Cheaters ARE narcissists! And being cheated on is abuse! The last thing you want to have back in your life is an unrepentent cheater. Real no contact is a game changer! Going No Contact is stepping on the Road to Indifference.

No contact is willing yourself to not engage with crazy.

Chump Lady

Maybe Taylor Swift said it best in her new song “I Forgot that You Existed.” I love that she so beautifully describes how she would have done anything for her cheater, but he was just too dense to get it. Yeah. “It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference.”

“I Forgot That You Existed” by Taylor Swift

I Forgot that You Existed

[Verse 1]
How many days did I spend thinking
‘Bout how you did me wrong, wrong, wrong?
Lived in the shade you were throwing
‘Til all of my sunshine was gone, gone, gone
And I couldn’t get away from ya
In my feelings more than Drake, so yeah
Your name on my lips, tongue-tied
Free rent, living in my mind

[Pre-Chorus]
But then something happened one magical night

[Chorus]
I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference
I forgot that you

[Verse 2]
Got out some popcorn
As soon as my rep started going down, down, down
Laughed on the school yard
As soon as I tripped up and hit the ground, ground, ground
And I would’ve stuck around for ya
Would’ve fought the whole town, so yeah
Would’ve been right there, front row
Even if nobody came to your show

[Pre-Chorus]
But you showed who you are, then one magical night

[Chorus]
I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference
I forgot that you

[Bridge]
Sent me a clear message
Taught me some hard lessons
I just forget what they were
It’s all just a blur

[Chorus]
I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
I did, I did, I did
It isn’t hate, it’s just indifference
It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference
So, yeah

I am not yet completely indifferent. But I am well on my way thanks to trusting that the Cheater Sucks, refusing to do the Pick Me Dance, and going No Contact. So what did you do to get on the Road to Indifference? Leave a comment and let me know what strategies worked best for you!

Stay Sweet, Be Strong

Note: If you don’t read Chump Lady then you should start reading her as soon as possible! Her Blog is this only thing I read that was the straight up truth, it helped get my head straight, and see what was done to me was abuse.

Becoming, Coping, healing, My Story, Trauma Recovery

What I Have Learned…So Far

Blog-1-Recovery-Plan-4-17-1

Wow!  It has been 4 years in November since the second d-day of my, then, husband’s addictions.  Four long, horrible, awful, painful, nightmarish, years.  Had I known then what I know now I would have done a whole lot of things differently. Most of what I learned is bad news, but it might be of use to many of you.  Maybe this list ( in no particular order) will help you navigate the labyrinth of betrayal:

  • I learned addicts cannot tell the truth. EVER! NOT.TO.SAVE.THEIR.LIFE! They won’t. If their mouth is moving, they are lying.  It is ONLY in the DOING, not the SAYING that you will know if they are truthful or not. My Ex is STILL lying, hiding, covering things up.  That is how I know he is still mired in his addiction. Truth is the opposite of addiction.
  • I learned I could not, and should not have tried, to fix him.  He is the only one who can fix himself. So far, nothing has changed with him in four years.  And it won’t change, until he has hit bottom.
  • Betrayal is the WORST thing you could ever do to your wife and children!  It would be easier for the family if the cheater died.
  • After you discover your husband’s affair(s) you will probably not function for at least a year.
  • You will probably cry everyday for at least a year.
  • Your brain will be hyjacked into an endless loop of obessing over what happened, trying to make sense of somthing that makes no sense.
  • Your survival will be the only thing you can deal with for at least a year.
  • You will forget about all of the things you used to love, i.e., reading, crafts, hobbies, friends etc.
  • Your life will never be the same, but what comes up in its place will be good.
  • You WILL be happy again!
  • You will not begin to feel anything close to “normal” for 1-2 years.
  • You will have to work at your recovery from the trauma for, probably, the rest of your life.

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  • I still cry and get triggered even though it has been 4 years since the second d-day.
  • I will never be the same.  EVER.
  • I never knew I could withstand that depth of pain and anguish.
  • I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be.
  • I never knew I could feel that much hate for another human being.
  • I never thought I would be able to forgive any of it, but with a lot of work, I have.
  • I actually feel sorry for him for what he will face on judgment day.
  • I am only in charge of me. That is the only place I have/had any control.
  • I learned I should have left him sooner.  He had no intention of fixing himself or repairing his relationship with his family, probably from day one.  (He still doesn’t.) In the end he just walked away right into another relationship without so much as a backwards glance. We were all replace.  It was easier for him, I suppose, to get a whole new family than to fix himself, or his family.
  • Being discarded like garbage is the worst feeling I have ever experienced! Nothing comes close to ever being able to describe it.  I would have rather had cancer!
  • I have learned that porn and sex addiction is an epidemic and that I am not alone, far from it!  Thousands of women join the support groups I belong to every year.
  • Support groups are invaluable! (Send me a message and I will suggest some to you.)
  • This is NOT my fault.  This was never about me.  It had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with a character flaw in him.  Cheating on your wife is not normal behavior.  I did nothing to cause it. HE made the CHOICE to cheat and that is on him.

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  • There is NOT “two sides” to this problem.  The cheater is 100% responsible for cheating.
  • He is a coward.
  • He is selfish and self serving.
  • He can never be trusted by any woman.
  • He is not safe.
  • He is full of pride and self-importance.
  • He is fake.
  • His “repentance” is not real. Yet.
  • Friends and family do not have the bandwidth to understand you, or what you are going through.  I didn’t even have the bandwidth to understand what was happening to me.  Nothing in anyone’s life experiences prepares them for this.  This is why support groups and systems are so invaluable.
  • Most people blame the wife for being cheated on, even when the research says otherwise. “Oh she must have done _______ to deserve it.”  This is nonsense!  Cheating is a character flaw of the cheater!  Period!  If he is unhappy then he divorces his wife without all the drama of cheating.
  • Wives of narcissistic abusers, cheaters, and addicts are often shunned and not supported through their betrayal trauma by their community.
  • Wives and children of cheaters are expected to just “get over it,” even when there is zero research to support this belief.
  • The grief of betrayal is worse than the grief of death and lasts a lot longer.
  • Adult children feel betrayed too, more often than not, just as much as the wife.
  • Grandchildren also feel betrayed and do not have the maturity or understanding to be able to process it. At all.
  • The whole family is harmed and suffers for a really long time. Years, or even decades.
  • I wish I would have gone “no contact” sooner. Go “no contact” as soon as you can.
  • Going “no contact” will  probably cause him to turn his abuse on his children.
  • He cannot relate to anyone in his former family with anything that resembles kindness or compassion.
  • After his betrayal I was in serious mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual danger, and I did not know it!
  • Nobody will tell you the severity of danger you are in. Mostly because most people do not know.
  • The “reconciliation culture” will tell you it’s better to reconcile with your cheater.  There is no research to support this belief. You are welcome and encouraged to reconcile once.  After that, I would say its better to move on while you still have some self-esteem, and years, left.
  • I can’t find very many successful cases of a recovering sex/porn addicts that fixed the mess he made with his family. Not enough to warrant staying in an abusive marriage with an addict.
  • Divorce is not an easier solution, but it may be the only solution.
  • When an addict says, “I don’t have an addiction,” believe them, and walk away.  There is nothing you can do if they won’t even admit they have a problem.
  • Save yourself first. You can’t save someone from drowning if you are drowning too.
  • He is responsible for his own recovery.  You are not his support system!  Do not ever put yourself in this role.
  • If it comes between choosing your own life or your spouse, choose your own life!
  • Addicts are master manipulators, gaslighters, and destroyers of those they used to claim to love.
  • Manipulation tactics are many, and go by many names: gaslighting, turning the tables, crazy-making, projection, deflection, misdirection, shaming, lying, minimizing, personal attacks, blaming, just to name a few.
  • Addicts are abusers.
  • Cheaters are abusers.
  • Keep copies of ALL evidence of his cheating, addiction, and abuse.  This means to keep all phone records, emails, pictures, screenshots, texts, and, please, keep a journal.
  • Addicts are usually narcissists too. On the other hand, narcissist are not always addicts.
  • Addicts can also be a sociopath.
  • Study, study, study, everything you can about every topic in this list! (Topics are highlighted in blue.)
  • Narcissists do not seek treatment, it is their nature to believe they do not have a problem.
  • Addicts won’t change or seek treatment unless they really want to change, or hit bottom, or are forced to change through legal means.
  • The Addict’s number one goal is self-preservation. They will sacrifice everything to cover up their secret, that includes you, and the kids.
  • The learning curve of addiction is steep and nothing in your life will prepare you for it in advance. You will have to learn about it on your own, and usually the hard way. Seek help as soon as possible!
  • Nothing about betrayal is fair.
  • Cheaters/addicts have no empathy and cannot express empathy for what they have done to you or your children.
  • Cheaters expect that you just accept that they blew up your family without any serious consequences.
  • Cheaters often say they did this to you and your children because ” THEY deserve to be happy.”
  • Cheaters and addicts are inherently selfish. Addiction is selfish.
  • Addicts don’t know how to be sincerely sorry, and will refuse to make sufficient amends for the harm they caused you.
  • Addicts do not respect anyone, mostly, because they do not respect themselves.
  • Addicts feel entitled to expect their families to forgive, forget, and just move on as if nothing happened.
  • Addicts feel entitled to lots of things they have not earned, i.e, trust, forgiveness, support, kindness, etc.
  • Addicts do not take personal responsibility for the consequences of their own choices and actions.
  • Addicts will demand that you see they are repenting and you must forgive them with zero proof they are making any changes. You are expected to believe them solely on their word.
  • Addicts expect their children to accept their affair partner or othe other woman.
  • Lawyers and the laws do not do a good job of supporting or protecting the innocent victims of cheaters and addicts.  Even your own lawyer may not be protecting your best interests.
  • Courts don’t care if a spouse, or his affair partner, is mentally or emotionally dangerous for children.  Many children do not want to see the cheating parent, but are forced to comply by the courts.
  • Cheaters, amazingly, continue to abuse and torture their spouse and/or children long after the divorce is over, with no justification.  The only way to protect yourself from this is to go “no contact.”
  • Wives with children at home cannot go completely “no contact” and are subjected to continued abuse.
  • Women are often betrayed and abused over and over by their spouse, to the point that they end up with serious emotional disorders like PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety, panic attacks, and betrayal trauma.
  • Addicts will never give you closure. (See, they cannot tell the truth.) You will never know which parts of your life are true, and which ones were lies. They would rather you suffer than to admit to what you already suspect.
  • Most people do not understand the nature of sex or porn addiction even though porn addiction effects at least 1/2 of the population.
  • Porn and sex addictions are just as harmful and dangerous as drugs, alcohol, cocaine, or meth addictions. The difference is they carry these chemicals around with them inside their body to use “on demand” and without detection, for a long time before you are even aware of it.
  • It takes 5 years to fully recover from a sex/porn addiction.  And that is if the addict is fully onboard with recovery from the beginning and committed to stick with it for the rest of his life.  Every slip or relapses sets him back at least another year.
  • Less than 1% of marriages to a cheating partner have any chance of lasting.
  • 12-Step Programs are useless for victims of betrayal trauma!  You cannot be an enabler of something you never knew existed!
  • You need a therapist/group/support system that understands betrayal trauma.
  • The only people who will understand what you are going through are people who have been there.

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  • The “other woman” (OW) did not win a prize when she “won” your husband, she just inherited all of his problems and addictions.
  • The OW is more than likely clueless and stupid and has no idea what she got herself into since all she will know about him is what he told her, and he controls the narrative where she is concerned. She will wake up eventually.
  • The OW will rarely seek out the truth about why he left his family, that is, unless she was partly responsible, then she really doesn’t care.
  • Men who cheat do not change for the OW.  It’s only a matter of time before he cheats on her too.
  • The OW doesn’t have any special gifts or magic to change him, she is NOT better than you.  She isn’t kinder, more beautiful, or something more special than you are.  She is clueless.  That is her only superpower!
  • Men who cheat do not change.  Period.  They are not that self-aware or introspective. (Remember, real recovery takes 5 years!)
  • The OW is also a cheater, and in biblical terms, she is a whore.
  • A cheater picked the OW because he could no longer fool you about his addiction/cheating, but he knows he can fool her. That is why he is with her and not with you.
  • Cheaters will choose the OW over their own children. In this case, blood is NOT thicker than water when it comes to betrayal.
  • Cheaters will walk away from their family over the OW and never look back.  Many of them give up decades of life and history with their wives and children.
  • Addicts will try to engage you in something called “the pick me dance.” This is where they will expect you to bend over backwards trying to prove that you are better than the OW and that he should pick you over her.  They will try to get you to convince them that you really want them back, all the while coming up with stupid ass reasons why you don’t. This is ridiculous and should be avoided at all costs. It is designed to drive your crazy. He wants you to act crazy so he can justify cheating on you. ” My wife is crazy, she doesn’t love me or understand me like you do!”
  • Addicts and cheaters “want their cake and eat it too!” So they will lie and hide the OW so he can keep you both for as long as possible.
  • Trauma bonding, also known as the Stockholm Syndrome, is a real thing and will cause you to want your cheater back even though you know that would be harmful to you to take him back.
  • You will miss your old life and him horribly.  But you will also come to realize that the life you thought you had with him was a total lie, so you are missing something you never really had in the first place.
  • You will come to understand that your relationship with the addict was no real relationship at all, that you were the one who did all the work to keep the relationship going.  Everything you thought you had, was very one-sided.
  • You will spend YEARS recovering from the trauma of being betrayed.
  • Betrayal trauma recovery will demand that you make a lifestyle change.
  • The karma bus ALWAYS comes to visit the Cheater and the OW.  Always. Even if it looks like he got away with everything right now.  He didn’t.
  • Porn/Sex addictions are the plague of our time and is being called a public health crises.
  • Addicts and cheaters are not original in their behaviors.  They all pretty much do and say the same crazy sh*t, as if they were all given a “cheaters handbook.” When you learn this simple fact you are free to know, for a fact. when they are lying to you.  The lies are all the same! (see your therapist for a copy of the cheaters handbook.)
  • Likewise, men in recovery will also do and say the same things, but it is a much different list and comes from a place of godly sorrow, remorse, repentance, restitution and humility.
  • You won’t have to wonder if your husband is in recovery, you will know!  And if you don’t know, then the answer is that he is NOT in recovery.
  • There is a saying that goes, “you cannot get an addict to tell you anything about his recovery, but a man in real recovery will never stop talking about it.” That is how you know.
  • Addicts in recovery don’t hide anything!  They will tell you what you want to know before you can even ask!

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I am sure there are other things I have learned, but these stand out to me right now.  It has been a very difficult learning process, but I am grateful now that I know what I know. I never believed that this could have ever happened to me. Not in a billion years! I never believed that my ex-husband could be “this kind of man.” But I am grateful to all the people who have helped me through this so far!  My children have been a tremendous support!  I love them and I will always be grateful they were old enough to see what was happening for themselves.  I am grateful for my therapists and support groups!  I am grateful for the new skills I have learned because of this. I am always going to have a special place in my heart for a Bishop who “gets it!” And I couldn’t have made it this far without my Heavenly Father who helped me navigate this awful mess and brought people and  things into my life when I needed them the most. And lastly, I am grateful for this blog and the courage that it took for me to tell my story, it has helped me sort it out and make some sense of something that just doesn’t make any sense! This has been a huge piece of my recovery of me!

Someday… I will be grateful my ex did this to me….however, today is not that day.

What have you learned in your journey of recovery? Can you add anything to this list?

Stay Strong, Be Sweet!

chocolate cupcake warrior

The Cupcake Warrior