Uncategorized

Thank You for Being an Addict

I have reached that point in my own recovery where it is time for me to move on.  Everyone.  And I mean EVERYONE is begging me to move on.  I agree with them.  It is time.

It’s time for me to stop obsessing about what my, then husband, or now ex-husband, has done or didn’t do.  It’s time for me to figure out how to put the pieces  of my life back together again.  It’s time for me to find myself.  I have been so lost.  I don’t know who I really am anymore.  I intend to find out. Today, I am walking away. Forever.

walking-away-293767

This is my last post that will be focused on him.  He reads my blog so I am sure he gets a narcissistic high from it anyway. He doesn’t deserve that kind of attention after today. What he deserves is to suffer with the knowledge that he made the wrong choice. However, before I close the door on this chapter of my life,  I have a few ending thoughts for my Ex.  There are some things that still need to be said.  Because, well, these things are instructive and provide context for my healing. I am not the first person this has happened to, and sadly, I won’t be the last, so maybe this will help those who follow after me…

Dear Ex,

I want to thank you, first of all, for getting married.  You finally shut the door on any hope or preconceived idea that you would figure out you have an addiction and work to put your family back together again.  For the past two years, this was the wish of my heart, my only wish.  I thought about it all day and dreamed about it all night. I prayed for it by day and cried out to God for it by night.  I had faith in you to do the right thing. So many sleepless nights spent in prayer – for nothing!  You let me down. I thought I knew you.  I thought you loved me. I thought you were a man of honor, like your father. I married you because of your father, I thought you would turn out like him.  You are nothing like him!

For two years you let me know everyday through your actions that you did not care about me enough to fight for me, or even admit you had a problem you needed to fight. You didn’t really want me back, that is now painfully obvious to everyone. Especially me.  I was just too in love with you to believe that you could really not love me.  I thought it was the addiction taking over, or you were not in your right mind. I thought, given time, you would come to your senses. I thought you would remember our life of 37 years together and want that back.  I thought you would remember how much you loved your children and grandchildren, and if you couldn’t do it for me, I thought you would surely do it for them. Instead you turned against me,  and them, and then systematically turned us against you by your repeated poor choices. Thank you for that.  Thank you for leaving me and taking your horrific problem with you so I do not have to deal with this for the rest of my life!

thank-you-note

Thank you for torturing me to the point of death.  I really mean that.  Your unrelenting manipulations, gaslighting, marginalizing, rationalizations and denial of what you were doing to me took me to a point that I had to choose to live for myself or to die for you.  I was able to choose to live for me.  And now I intend to do just that!

Thank you for showing me all the worst sides of you.  Thank you for showing me that you do not respect me or other women.  Thank you for showing me how easily you could lie to to me and be so convincing at it that you broke my ability to trust anyone.  Thank you for ripping out my heart and throwing it on the ground in front of me, stomping it to death, and then rubbing the blood in my face.  I am so much smarter and wiser now because of it.

1111111breaking-up

Thank you for driving your children and grandchildren away from you.  You hurt them beyond anything I thought you were capable of, but then again, you have done many things to surprise me these last few years.  Maybe by revealing your true character to them, they will suffer less and heal faster than I will, at least that is my hope for them. Thank you for choosing your new wife over your own flesh and blood.  The irony of this will be clear in a minute, just keep reading.

Thank you for cheating on the cheaters!  If you were more clever you would never allow this to happen.  You should have known there is nothing worse than a woman scorned, and they will ALWAYS go tell the wife to get even!  Thank you for the weird friendships I formed with all of your “throw-aways.”  Each one let me know, in their own way, that this wasn’t about me.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to listen to their stories, hear them cry, and try to comfort them. Thank you for providing a way for me to hear about the lessons they also learned from you.  We are all so much sadder, but wiser for having known you. I learned from them that you were so out of control in your life that you just refused to be satiated by your own needs, wants, and lusts.  From them, I learned that this had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you and your addiction.  An addiction that you STILL refuse to admit you have.

And finally, thank you for proving to me that I was right 8 years ago when I discovered your first affair, and I have been right all along! You proved this to me by cheating on your new wife, all during your courtship, the day you were married, and clear into the week after you got married!  You spent countless hours texting, sexting and leading on one woman, a widow – no less,  while you were courting your new wife. I don’t know how you live with yourself!?1d4434f48e2a223d16797413b7bdd213

I am sure your new wife would be horrified to know this, I know I was!  But it was also strangely cathartic for me too.  In fact, I laughed out loud!  But for only a minute.  Until it dawned on me that she is your victim too and you are more than an addict. This in nothing to laugh at – You are a predator.  You exploit women and use them for your own selfish purposes.  This fetish of yours will ultimately be your undoing. This is NOT just about making “friendships” and “connections.”  Videos of you masturbating while calling out a woman’s name who is not your new wife, isn’t just a “friendship.”  Someone should talk to you about what is and isn’t appropriate behavior with the opposite sex when you are courting or married.

Someone should tell your new wife the kind of man she married. I am sure she doesn’t know. Someone should tell her family. But it won’t be me.  She wouldn’t believe me anyway.  But I do have proof of it, should anyone care to see it.  Women who have been scorned by you get very upset!  They keep proof of your escapades and they will use it to blackmail you.  They have done this for 2 years.  What I cannot understand, is that if you don’t really have an addiction, why you keep giving them ammunition to shoot you with? And now I, also, have more ammunition to shoot you with.  But I won’t, at least for now.  You just are not worth my effort.  Eventually, you will shoot yourself in the foot.  You already have. It’s just a matter of time before you do it again.  I don’t need to do anything, but sit back and watch you self destruct!  You do not even have enough sense or self control to pull yourself together.

hand-washing

What is worth my effort is to wash my hands of you having the satisfaction that I was right all along!  I was right about everything!  I was right about all your affairs, all your lies, all your secrets, all your prentending to want your family back, your fake indignation, and your strange acts in tawdry places.  My gut told me.  My therapists told me to trust my gut. And my gut and I were right – YOU HAVE AN ADDICTION AND YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOURSELF!  That should be painfully obvious to everyone by now, including you! But even your most recent shocking behavior is still probably not enough to awaken you to your awful situation!  You lost everything in your life that mattered to you because you were just too prideful to admit you had a problem and get help.  You chose to marry a woman you were cheating on, OVER YOUR OWN CHILDREN!  Oh the irony! I am still struggling to understand how a sane man does something like this to his children? Nevermind, what you did to me!

So I am finally FREE of you, and my nightmare is now truly ending. I am fully awake to the kind of man you have become.  Thank you for that too. This person you are now is NOT the man I fell in love with and married.  You are NOT him! He was a kind, and thoughtful man who loved the Lord and would not hurt anyone! I don’t know you anymore, this “thing” you have become now. You are monster parading around in a man’s body. I am so thankful to be rid of you!

However, I am sorry that your nightmare is just beginning, and it will continue until you admit you have a serious problem and get help for it.  It is going to take a lot for you to hear the siren alarm of your wake up call.  That much is painfully obvious by now.  You are a pretty slow learner and a poor student. If you haven’t figured this out by now, it’s doubtful you will until you are in a dire place of your own making, if ever.  IF, or when, that day finally comes, I fear your wake up call is going to be very harsh!  I will feel very sorry for you on that day – but also satified.  I will be able to tell you that I am sorry, just don’t expect me to do much more than that.  It is, after all, exactly what you have done for me, your children, and grandchildren. You are sorry, alright, but you can’t do more than say you are sorry.  Hollow sounding words. Don’t expect much more than that from me when you finally hit bottom – HARD!

1551457_1035154783177644_3060982893721347270_n

This I can promise you – all of this WILL come back to bite you in the butt, it always does. Karma ALWAYS comes around, and the piper ALWAYS has to be paid, and God ALWAYS requires an atonement for sins. You cannot cheat on life. The only person you are really lying to and deceiving, is yourself and now, your new wife.  Poor thing!  You will be found out for who you really have become.  Your new wife isn’t going to be kept in the dark by your lies for very long either. You can’t keep your addiction a secret and you cannot pretend it doesn’t exist.  It does.  The sooner you get yourself help, the better off everyone will be. Ironically, that has been my request of you from the beginning!  If only you had listened to me then! The saddest word of tongue or pen, the saddest of these, “It might have been.”

So here we are.  You are not my problem anymore.  You are HER problem!  And for that, I thank you most of all! You did me a favor.

With Gratitude, 

Me

Side Note:

In my group I was supposed to write a gratitude letter to you.  I could never write mine for some reason.  I wasn’t grateful to you for anything you did to me for the past two years.  I really struggled finding things I could be grateful to you for.  So thank you!  Thank you for allowing me to finally find my gratitude for you!

A Note to My Ex’s Family & Friends:

If you care anything about him at all, the best thing you can do for him, his family and the people he continues to hurt is to not enable him.  Stop saving him!  Tell him what you think about his behavior and encourage him to go get help! Your silence is approval to him.  Do you really approve of this?

addiction, betrayal, My Story, Trauma Recovery, Uncategorized

I Accept…

Acceptance Letter

Write a letter telling your partner the things that you accept about your life as it is now.  This doesn’t mean you agree with it or approve.  It just means that you accept the way things are at this time.

Acceptance is a difficult concept.  It means to acknowledge, yield, and surrender to present circumstances. To accept this I must respect your choices, become resigned to learning to live with life the way it is, not the way I want it to be.

screen-shot-2015-07-08-at-1-30-38-pm

I had learned to accept all of you, faults and all.  I have loved you as unconditionally as I knew how, even when I was ignored and hurting.  But accepting this, is the hardest thing I have ever done, or ever had to do.  The road to acceptance is long and difficult.  I feel it is more a process than a destination. I am not sure I really can accept everything that has happened to me, but really, what choice do I have?  If I do not accept this, then it just hurts me further, and one thing I cannot live with is more hurt.  Acceptance, by definition, comes in layers of respect, acknowledgment, yielding, surrendering, submitting, and finally, being satisfied with the outcome. So here is what I accept…

Respect

Respect is a feeling of understanding that encourages you to value someone enough to treat that person in an appropriate way. From this definition, I can truthfully express respect for you.  I have loved your for more than 3 decades.  I value you and respect you enough to move out of your way so that you can pursue the decisions that you have now decided to make, without input or demands from me.  You are free to make your own decisions and I respect that.  Learning to live with it, will be what is the most difficult for me.

I understand and respect myself enough to know that I cannot live with your current reality.  I must walk away until you figure this out.  I deserve to be treated better, so until that happens, if it ever does, I cannot be with you. It’s has been the most difficult thing I have ever done to put myself first and to believe my needs matter enough to meet them, no matter how difficult that is for either of us.

I respect you enough to let you make your own choices. And I respect me enough to do what I need to do for me because of your choices. I have come to accept this.

Acknowledge

When someone acknowledges something it means they are able to recognize the existence, truth or facts of a particular situation and to express the realization that they recognize the authority and validity of the facts.

I acknowledge the truth, facts and existence of your addictive and compulsive behaviors that cause you to act out sexually in inappropriate ways. I had to acknowledge this so that I could find peace and healing for myself. I also acknowledge that you do not agree with this truth because you have not yet learned it for yourself.

I understand that when you do, finally understand, that it will be very difficult for you to accept. But, your family will be here for you to help you through that when the time comes and you are humble enough to recognize it.

I have had to come to accept this for my own sanity.

Yield

Yielding means giving into or going along with the demands, or will of another.

You have always had a very strong will.  One that is very difficult to go up against.  I have often said, you could convince anyone of anything you wanted them to believe.  Your will has been so overpowering that I have often yielded to you just to keep the peace.  It’s much easier to agree with you than to oppose you. Taking the opposite view from yours puts me in a line of fire that is more than difficult to defend or survive.  So, being in opposition to you has always come with a cost.  The price I have paid is losing myself, my needs, my wants, my goals and my values in life.  You do not value me or respect me enough to let me be my own person.  I gave up so much for you.  Yielding to you has been the story of my life. You do not take opposition well.  Your response to it is oppression.

Another word for yield is, to defy.  I knew I could never defy you without serious consequences.  So it took something very serious for me to summon the courage and strength to do that – you broke a core belief. Which is complete fidelity in marriage.  However, I also believe in forgiveness and repentance.  To repent means to change.  So far, that hasn’t happened, so I am forced to acquiesce to you, or betray my core foundational principles. Those were my only two choices.

I cannot betray my belief system.  So, for me, this choice wasn’t easy, but it was the only choice I could make.  You forced me to sacrifice “us” for my core foundational principles.

I cannot yield to you.  I must yield to God. I have come to accept this.

surrender

Surrender 

Surrender is a lot like yielding.  But in this context it is yielding to a higher power, control or demands.  While I cannot yield to your power, control or demands, I can surrender my all to God.

I could not surrender to you, nor could I surrender to me.  Both of us are flesh and blood and we make mistakes, but Heavenly Father does not make mistakes.  He can guide us perfectly through the storms and vicissitudes of life if we surrender our will to His. It became clear to me, early on, that His way was the ONLY way. My one true path. The rock of my foundation. The only way I was going to make it through this in once piece.

So I made a very critical choice – to surrender to Him.  It was the best and most important thing I have ever done.  The only way I could navigate this was to say, “thy will be done!”

There is no other way for me. I have come to accept this.

Submit

Submitting to these truths have been the only way for me to find peace so far.  I don’t like or love any of it.  But there is nothing I can do to interfere with your agency, no matter how much I wish for it.  Our Heavenly Father has declared agency to be a bedrock right.  We were sent to this earth to learn, by our own experience to distinguish the good from the evil.  The only thing that allows that to happen is our agency, there is no other way. I cannot force you to make better choices, no matter how much I may want to do it. I can’t. So rather than be angry at you for making what are, in my opinion, the wrong choices, the best thing I can do for myself and you is to withdraw  to a safe enough distance for me so that you can figure this out for yourself without causing me further damage and so that I can heal regardless of what you do or do not do.

Heavenly Father’s plan is truly merciful for both of us.

sunset in heart hands

Satisfied

Full acceptance mean to be satisfied with the current situation. The mind is at rest, the soul is at peace.  Accepting means that it will suffice for now.  It is good enough.

Is my life the way I want it to be?  NO!  Everything I ever believed has been challenged.  My life, how it was, has been taken from me, along with all of my hopes and dreams.  Accepting what was done to me has been the hardest thing I have been ever asked to do. There was a time, when I believed it would be impossible!  Difficult? Yes!  Impossible? No.  But it does take time and effort.  Healing from deep wounds is never quick or easy.

But I am satisfied that, in time, I will heal.  I will find peace.  My mind will be at rest. And my life will be restored by the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. I have already come so far!  Much farther than I ever believed I could, all because of Him, who is mighty to save!

Until then, I am satisfied that I will recover.  I am satisfied that, eventually, my life will be better than I dreamed it could be. I am satisfied that God’s got this. With or without you, I will be ok.

I accept this.