dating, PTSD, Trauma Recovery

LDS Dating After Betrayal Trauma (PTSD)

fc3f8fbe75ca231aee3985d44ff3089fIt’s been over six months since I stopped going to Single Adult Activities. I didn’t have very much fun and the whole experience was, quite frankly, depressing. I made a single girl friend who invited me to start going to the activities with her.  I thought it was safe enough to have a “wingman” so I agreed to venture out into the church singles scene for the first time in over 40 years.  She was fun and she knew most people, so it was fun getting to know her friends and being introduced to new people. So far so good.

The problems for me, began when I started have panic attacks and anxiety at the events. What should have been fun, was  instead, overwhelming.  My PTSD would take over and a harmless dance became a war zone, fraught with danger and landmines. Triggers were everywhere.  Just walking into the building was a Trigger. The most prominent one was: I shouldn’t be single!  If my Cheater hadn’t betrayed me I wouldn’t even be here!  Why did this have to happen to me? How did I even get here? Then all the emotions of the trauma of betrayal would wash over me like a flood of emotions – and suddenly I was drowning.

I never shied away from meeting new people or social situations, but this was too much, especially for an empath.  I could walk into any given room of singles and suddenly feel overwhelmed by what I call, the collective “singleness cloud of pain.”  I could sense the collective “singleness cloud of pain” before I even opened the door. It was a thousand feelings of grief over lost love, through either death or divorce, coming from hundreds of people gathered in the same room. It was stifling! Each of them were at the event in the hopes of trying to find someone, anyone, to ease their own cloud of pain.  If in that moment, I added my own pain into the mix, it became unbearable very quickly.  I would barely arrive at the event, with hopes of having some fun, only to be greeted with this innate feeling that I should not be there, I didn’t belong there, how did I end up in this group of people whose common denominator was profound loss?  I would feel the hot tears well up behind my eyes, ready to spill down my freshly primped face.  The urge to run was intense.  Luckily, I usually came with girlfriends, so I had to stay.  I forced myself to stay, and like it. I reminded myself of a child who is forced to take bitter medicine – it tastes horrible, but it’s good for me!  I would choke down the tears and not make my friends feel guilty for having their own fun.  I dutifully danced with the souls brave enough to ask me, I would have pleasant chit-chat with people around me, I made a herculean effort to make my own fun, but all I wanted to do was go home, get in my pajamas and pull the blanket over my head!

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Why was this so painful?

The LDS Singles in the Salt Lake and Utah Counties literally have something going on every night of the week!  It is a veritable gold mine for the lonely and single. There is plenty to do, lots of opportunities to socialize and mingle.  I could go “have fun” every night of the week if I wanted.  But I did not want.  It was too much on my emotions, feelings, and psyche to just manage to attend something once a week.  All summer I tried to force myself to become a bona-fide single woman. I just couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t wish away, deny, or pretend that I couldn’t feel the common thread of sadness from everyone who was there. Instead of “I see dead people,” for me it was “I feel broken hearts.”  It was too much.  So I stopped going last September.

From what I understand from talking to my therapist and other singles, my reaction isn’t that uncommon.  An overwhelming number of singles, especially Sisters, report; “I just couldn’t do it.”  I don’t blame them.  Neither could I.

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Then an amazing thing happened.  I met someone.  He likes to dance.  I like to dance.  So he came into town and we went to a dance, or two, together.  It’s amazing how having a date insulated me from all the sadness in the room.  I could be there and have fun, real fun!  I could enjoy dancing with a man who loved being there with me.  It was heaven! Now that I am actually dating someone, I am so glad there are so many singles activities in my area.  It gives us a place to go to engage in wholesome and uplifting activities together while we get to know each other better.  And I feel better about bringing my own happiness and positive energy in to a space that needs that boost.  Being there is finally good.

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I had a lot of guilt from people close to me to just “get over it,” or “you will find someone better.”  I played the guilt trip in my head by saying to myself, “what if my person is at the dance tonight and I don’t go?” Even that wasn’t enough to make me go, until I was ready. People close to you mean well, they have your best interests at heart, but they can’t know when you are ready. Only you can know that!

So here is my bottomline, Singles Activities may not be for you, right at this moment.  But give it an honest try.  If it’s not for you right now, I totally get that!  But think about trying again later.  It can be good place to be, when the timing is right.  For the recently traumatized, that timing may take a little while.  Be kind to yourself.  Healing takes time.  Trying on your single suit might take even more time.

When it’s right, you will know.

Here are a couple of places you can look when you are ready:

Timpanogos Singles

Orem Singles

Lehi Singles

Salt Lake Singles

Most of them have an email list you can sign up for to receive a monthly calendar of events.

Stay Strong, Be Sweet!

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The Cupcake Warrior

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betrayal, Choices, divorce, My Story, Spiritual, The Other Woman

Oh God, Where Art Thou?

If you are friends with me on Facebook, then you know that my Cheater got married  last week.  If you are not friends with me on Facebook… SURPRISE!

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Are you as surprised as I am?  Because he didn’t tell me or his kids.  He just went off and did it. So much class, that one! Obviously he didn’t think of me or the kids or how we would take it. That makes sense, because he obviously wasn’t thinking of us when he was cheating either!

I am shocked, but not shocked. He has made soooo many poor choices over the past two years, why not another one?  There are thousands of reasons why he shouldn’t have gotten married so fast.  The biggest one is that he is an addict and this is a rebound!  But it is my understanding that this is so typical of addicts.  1) They cannot live without someone telling them that they are ok and there is nothing wrong with them and 2) They want to prove to themselves and the world they are not the problem.  “See world, I found another spouse so fast, I must not be the problem! Somebody loves me enough to marry me!”  I give it 3 months. Nobody should be surprised.

I have had so many emotions swirling around, at hurricane force, inside me this past week.  I run the gambit from, relief to intense pain, similar to what I felt when I first learned of his betrayal. I am angry and sad.  I feel like screaming and laughing, all at the same time. But mostly I am relieved!

He got MARRIED!  What an idiot!

Eventually, I will process it all and sort it out.  But for now, I am still a mess. Here is why:

Do I even need to explain why?  Some things just don’t need words.

One thing stands out though – I AM FREE!  This is not my problem anymore!  He is not my problem anymore!  He is somebody else’s problem!! I can walk away and dust my hands feet off of him! Not my circus, not my monkeys! SHE now has to deal with his crazy!  And oh man, she is in for a rude awakening when she finds out just how crazy his crazy is! I sort of feel sorry for her.  Sort of. Some people are just willfully stupid and they deserve what they get. Some choice bite you in the butt because you put your butt in between the bars of the Lion’s cage! Mark my words, I will be telling you all about it before the next 3 months are over!

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Now, I know, he will NEVER get his act together.  He is NEVER going to change.  He isn’t interested in becoming a whole person.  He thinks he is just fine the way he is.  So that… is that.

I also know now that I do not EVER want him back. E-V-E-R!  He is no longer the man I married and he has proven that he isn’t likely to “come to himself” again in this life.  At the rate he is going, he doesn’t have enough time to fix any of the things he has done.  He doesn’t deserve me.  I don’t want him.  I really thought I would never be able to say that – but there it is. I don’t want him. He killed whatever feelings for him that I may have had. His new marriage has made all of that painfully clear. I mean nothing to him.

I have been living in my own denial.  I really believed he would get his act together and come back to me!  I actually believed that our 38-year marriage meant something to him and that eventually he would wake up and remember that! Addicts are not the only ones who can live in denial – victims do too. I was “denialing” it all over the place!  My bad.

All those months I spent praying for him to get a clue, begging the Lord for him to see his addiction and come out of denial, begging the Lord to help put our family back together, asking for an “Alma the Younger” experience for my ex. Pfft. They were prayers that were wasted.  Someone told me not to waste one more prayer on him and that it was time to pray for and focus on me.  I like that.  That first night after I found out about his marriage, I went to say my prayers and I seriously couldn’t think of what to pray for!  I had been praying so hard for him, I had completely neglected me.  I am fixing that right away! Just in the past few days my prayers have become infinitely more meaningful and peaceful. I am sure the Lord is glad He doesn’t have to listen to my incessant begging too. We are all just happier this way.

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One bad feeling that has surfaced again, is feeling abandoned.  I have been abandoned so much in my life by significant attachment relationships that it is hard not to feel that Heavenly Father has abandoned me too.  All the old, “why did this happen to me?” questions kicked in with a vengeance.  Followed quickly by, “God, do you even know I am here?” I have serious abandonment issues.

I understand the lament of Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, “O God, where art Thou?

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O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?

 How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?

 Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?

 O Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.

 Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and, in the fury of thine heart, with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs.

 Remember thy suffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.

~Doctrine & Convenants 121

I spent almost two hours talking to my sweet Sister about my sadness and pain on Friday. She was awesome.  She just listened.  And she said she didn’t have any answers, but she loves me. You couldn’t ask for more! No judgment.  No advice.  Just listening. One of the things I told her is that I felt God has abandoned me!  I feel like he is punishing me, like he thinks this is my fault somehow.  I know that isn’t true, but it is how I am feeling.  This is my own Gethsemane and God has withdrawn Himself from me.

And then the tender mercy came on Saturday morning as I woke up to Libby licking the tears from my eyes.  I had been crying in my sleep again.  That happens to me a lot. I wake up crying.  Through my tears, I read a text from a long time and very dear friend.  I don’t hear from her often, but when I do, it is profound.  She is one of those people who just “get’s me.” She knows what I need before I even know the problem.

“I read this article this morning and felt inspired to share it with YOU.  I know it’s been a hard week but please know you have friends seen and unseen praying for you.  Love you soooo much.” Yet Thou Art There, Elder Neal A. Maxwell

When she says “inspired,” I know that is the truth.  She studies the scriptures early in the morning and prays for guidance on who and how she can help that day.  What is clear is that the Lord sent her to me with a very specific message.

I already knew this talk.  I read it again and listened to the video. I read Elder Maxwell every chance I can.  He is my favorite!  I get my intellectual and spiritual feasting from him and Elder McConkie.  Between the two of them, they come up with everything I could ever need to hear! I love these two men.  They deliver the gospel, straight up, without the fluff.  I don’t want to hear stories or fluff, just doctrine. I wish they were still here.

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Several things Elder Maxwell said stood out:

“This same special assurance can see each of us through all the seasons and circumstances of our lives. A universal God is actually involved with our small, individual universes of experience! In the midst of His vast dominions, yet He numbers us, knows us, and loves us perfectly (see Moses 1:35John 10:14).”

Even though he knew he had been called personally by a personal God, Enoch wrestled with feelings of personal inadequacy (see Moses 6:31). Enoch also wept over the human condition, but he was told, “Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look” (Moses 7:44). If Enoch had not looked and been spiritually informed, he would have seen the human condition in isolation from the grand reality. If God were not there, Enoch’s “Why?” would have become an unanswered scream of despair!


Significantly, the consequences of misused human agency were explained to Enoch: mortals had been given a commandment to “love one another,” yet those then had become a people “without affection” who “hate their own blood” (Moses 7:33).

At first, Enoch refused “to be comforted” (Moses 7:44). Finally, he saw God’s plan, the later coming of the Messiah in the meridian of time, and the eventual triumph of God’s purposes. Enoch saw how the throne of God features justice and mercy (see Moses 7:31).

We, too, can “refuse to be comforted.” We can wrongly charge God with that large portion of human misery which is actually caused by mortals’ failure to keep His commandments. Or, like Enoch, we can be intellectually meek enough to look and to accept the truths about God’s being there and about His personality and plans.


Deity called Samuel, Mary Magdalene, Saul, and Joseph Smith by their first names (see 1 Sam. 3:4John 20:16Acts 9:4JS—H 1:17).

Macro-love with such micro-manifestations!


Without the revelations, however, the answers as to the why of our existence and the why of human suffering would elude even the best intellectual excursions:

“Behold, great and marvelous are the works of the Lord. How unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of him; and it is impossible that man should find out all his ways. And no man knoweth of his ways save it be revealed unto him; wherefore, brethren, despise not the revelations of God” (Jacob 4:8).

The ultimate human questions are really the “why” questions! The gospel is positively “brim” with answers to the “why” queries concerning human purpose. Gospel truths are the vital integrating and ordering truths, not only telling us of “things as they really are” but also “as they really will be” (Jacob 4:13).


Conscience permits the Lord to be there, whether in early warnings or final warnings. He gives us a flash of insight or a twinge of remembrance, pulling us back from a precipice or prompting us to do good. Conscience can warn that we are only falling further behind by insisting on getting even. Conscience warns us not to sink our cleats too deeply in mortal turf, which is so dangerously artificial.

In a hundred ways, Deity will always be there, just as Enoch testified, including in our suffering.


Wives and husbands whose lives are shattered by the betrayal of a deserting spouse may feel forsaken or drenched by injustice. Yet they, too, can know, “Thou art there,” by responding to Jesus’ invitation, “Come unto me, all ye that … are heavy laden” (Matt. 11:28).


To those of you who so suffer and who, nevertheless, so endure and so testify by the eloquence of your examples, we salute you in Christ! Please forgive those of us who clumsily try to comfort you. We know from whence your true comfort comes. God’s “bosom” is there to be leaned upon.

Jesus’ promised peace is a special form of rest amid unrest. Even when other things are in commotion, His disciples can still stand (see D&C 45:26, 32). His disciples know the Lord is there in latter-days. “I am he who led the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt; and my arm is stretched out in the last days, to save my people Israel” (D&C 136:22).

We can confidently cast our cares upon the Lord because, through the agonizing events of Gethsemane and Calvary, atoning Jesus is already familiar with our sins, sicknesses, and sorrows (see 1 Pet. 5:72 Ne. 9:21Alma 7:11–12). He can carry them now because He has successfully carried them before (see 2 Ne. 9:8)!


Yes!  He is there!  Even when you cannot hear Him yourself, He sends his comfort through the words and deeds of others.  Oh how grateful I am for righteous and faithful friends! Thank you for this tender mercy. God does know I am here and he hears me!

UPDATE:  It turns out that the Ex was cheating on the new spouse before he married her!  He was cheating with another woman even several days after he got married.  How do I know this?  The woman he was cheating with contacted me because she read this blog!  Yep!  He cheats on his new wife.  This should be interesting.  Where’s the popcorn??

The Cupcake Warrior

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abuse, betrayal, Emotional, forgiveness, My Story

Unimaginable

This song  from the musical Hamilton, speaks to my heart more than any break-up song could. I have been thinking about the song a lot lately.  This morning when I woke up the words of the song were already playing in my head and the tears just started to flow.  I have learned when that happens I just need to let what is inside, come out. So that is the reason for this blog post, there are feelings I just need to let out.  Losing my husband to his addiction is truly something that was unimaginable.  Even now, I still cannot wrap my brain around how something like this could happen to us.  But the song didn’t quite fit the space in my heart since it is about the loss of a child instead of a spouse.  So I have  adapted the words to my experience.  It turns out I didn’t need to change very many words:

There are moments that the words don’t reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your love as tight as you can
Then push away the unimaginable
The moments when you’re in so deep
Feels easier to just swim down

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And so she moves uptown
And learns to live with the unimaginable
She spends hours in the garden
She walks alone to the store
And it’s quiet uptown
She never liked the quiet before
She takes herself alone to church on Sunday
A sign of the cross at the door
And she prays
That never used to happen before

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Chorus
If you see her in the street walking by herself
Talking to herself, have pity
She’s learning to like it uptown, its quiet uptown
She is working through the unimaginable
Her hair has gone grey, she passes every day
They say she walks the length of the city
You knock me out, I fall apart
Can you imagine?

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Look at where I am
Look at where I started
I know I don’t deserve this
But hear me out, that would be enough
If I could spare his life
If I could trade his sins for mine
He’d be standing here right now
And I would smile
And that would be enough
I don’t pretend to know
The challenges he’s facing
I know there’s no replacing what we’ve lost
And he needs time
But I’m very afraid
He is not who I married
I wished he would’ve stayed by my side
That would have been enough

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Chorus
If you see her in the street, walking by herself
Talking to herself, have pity
She doesn’t like it uptown. It’s too quiet uptown
She is trying to do the unimaginable
If you see her walking in the park, alone, after dark
Taking in the sights of the city
Look around, look around, look around
She is trying to do the unimaginable

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There are moments that the words don’t reach
There’s a grace too powerful to name
We push away what we could never understand
We push away the unimaginable
She is standing in the garden
Standing there by herself
She takes His hand
It’s quiet uptown
Forgiveness, can you imagine?

Forgiveness, can you imagine?

Young beautiful girl emotionally prays to the god of a wind

Chorus
If you see her in the street, walking by herself
Talking to herself, have pity
Look around, look around
She is going through the unimaginable

Here is a link to the song in case you have never heard it before – It’s Quiet Uptown

When this happened to me I was living downtown.  I loved it!  It killed me to have to move out, but I did because he wasn’t safe.  It has been hard to live “uptown.” I miss my past life with him, at least I miss the life I thought I had with him. Little did I know he would never provide safety for me again.

A woman truly walks this road completely alone.  Even with the support of the family and friends, therapist and groups, it is truly something that, in the end, you do alone. The only one who truly “gets it” is God.  He is the only one who can mend my broken heart.

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Grief is a solitary exercise.  It’s quiet uptown.  It’s suffering too terrible to name.  I am going through the unimaginable.

Stay Strong, Be Sweet

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The Cupcake Warrior

addiction, betrayal, My Story, PTSD, Trauma Recovery, Triggers

Drowning in Sadness

Sadness Letter

Write a letter to your partner expressing you feelings of sadness and loss.  This should not be a place to express anger so if you feel anger go to you anger letter to add those.  This should be about what makes you sad.  Use phrases like, “It makes me sad that” or “I regret that.”

It could happen anywhere…in a crowded theater, or a restaurant, a meaningful song on the radio, or even when I hear the sound of a Harley in the distance…you are everywhere… and nowhere to be found…

It’s curious how a wave of sadness can engulf me in the middle of a high desert.  Without any warning, I feel the wave rumbling in the distance before I can even see it.  The sound is almost imperceptible at first, but suddenly it is everywhere as it thrashes me with a force so powerful that it could compress my heart with a single blow.  Towering over me like a beautiful blue monster with it jaws gaped open wide to shred me to bits with its jagged white teeth.  It is a wave so mountainous in size compared to me, that even the most accomplished surfer quakes at the thought of even getting in the water.  Yet there I stand, desperately trying to brace myself for a devastation I did not see coming and cannot control.  A wave so massive that I am aware that I will be broken against the ocean floor as it propels me downward into the abyss. I am terrified.

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As a child, I was scared to death of being caught in a riptide.  Growing up near the beach it was something that was constantly emphasized. Nothing can come as close to sudden death as quickly as an unsuspecting swimmer caught in a riptide.  There is no way out.  Drowning is inevitable.

I’ve never lost anything so precious to me before!  I don’t know what to do or how to react. I can’t breath I am so consumed in grief.  Part of me wishes that you had just died rather than have this happen, at least that way you would still be mine.  If I couldn’t have you now then at least I would have you in eternity,  And now I won’t.  My sadness over losing you to other women is consuming.  I cannot, nor will I ever, understand why you chose them over me.

Drowning Over and Over…

It wouldn’t be so bad if I could just drown once and slip into a peaceful existence beyond with nothing to worry about anymore, for all of eternity, but this doesn’t work like that.  With each new encounter with my memories, I am instantly thrust back into the deep with another wave towering over me, ready to come crashing down on my head within seconds.  I can feel it, see it coming, hear it, but try as I might, there is no stopping it.  I hold my breath because part of me wants to fight back, part of me wants to live, but it is just too suffocating.  I don’t stand a chance against it.  I can’t catch my breath.  I can’t move.  Sometimes the instinct to breathe is so strangling that I cannot resist and and I succumb to the need for air.  Gasping to catch my breath, I inhale the salty liquid and feel it burn as it fills my lungs. I am sure that I have taken my last breath…but no…I am still alive, but just barely.

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Sometimes I try to just give in, lay down and let it wash over me.  But it is relentless in its attack.  If I submit, I am just tossed around in the tempest, not knowing which way is the air…sky…safety.  It is the longing for air that taunts me with the realization that there is no safety.  This intense sadness with be with me for the rest of my life.  Oh sure, it will get better, or so they tell me. I will become stronger, they say, learn how to swim in it, but it will never go away.  When sadness came into my life 18 months ago, it decided to stay for good, sadness and grief do not ever leave.  They move in.  Like it or not, they are my constant jailers for the rest of my life.  They are not leaving. I have no say in the matter.  You are the one holding me hostage here in this silent, terrifying deep.  Your love, is my only escape.  But it isn’t coming. You took it from me, like a thief in the night and I have no chance of getting it back unless, you decide you love me enough to release me from my overwhelming, suffocating, ocean prison.  For me, there is no escape from sadness or grief.  Like I said, I wish you had died,  at least you would still be mine.

Living in Fear of Sadness…

How do you turn something so terrifying into a friend?  How do you survive in such horrifying conditions?  My life used to be so predictable.  I was concerned over the stupidest things like, what do I make for dinner, should I go to the mall or down to see the kids, or where are we going this weekend.  Now I am straddled with an emotion I cannot see coming.  It shows up anytime or anywhere without sufficient warning.

Sometimes I cannot enjoy the simple pleasures of life because I am worried I will unsuspectingly walk into a room where sadness is lurking there, waiting to pummel me to the ground. How can anyone survive this feeling, and yet, this is my new normal? Fear of Sadness.

Sadness Is…

  • Realizing that I spent 38 years of my life loving someone who didn’t love me back. At least not enough to fight for me.
  • Keeping myself from speaking out about how you treated me because I thought if I told you how I felt you wouldn’t change for me. Now I know that I was right and that is the worst feeling,
  • Feeling so lonely even with you in the room.
  • Wanting to see you again.
  • Not wanting to see you again.
  • Knowing you do not care enough about me to provide me with safety and security.
  • Knowing you can’t put my needs before your own.
  • Finding out that you are not the person I thought I married.
  • Admitting my parents were right about you after all.
  • Feeling rejected and unloved every single day since I discovered your affairs. Sometimes multiple
  • Not being able to trust myself.
  • Not being able to trust you.
  • Feeling abused.
  • Knowing that you used to love me, but not anymore.
  • Knowing you don’t care enough about me to treat me as well as you would treat a stranger.
  • Having you talk to me as if you hate me. For all I know, you do.
  • Being told that I am not supportive or loving enough towards you.
  • Being told I won’t allow you to change, when I want is for you to change.
  • All I want is for you to love me again.
  • Realizing you feel that I am to blame.
  • Sitting in the temple all alone, surrounded by strangers.
  • Hearing the words of the covenants we made to each other and knowing they will never be fulfilled.
  • Losing my eternal family, the only thing that ever mattered in life to me.
  • Losing you. Maybe forever.
  • Knowing that I will never be able to ride on the back of a motorcycle and not think of you.  I will think of the times that you patted my leg or told me you love me, only to find out later that you were telling another woman you love her too at the very same time. Maybe on the very same day?
  • Looking into the faces of my children and see you there.
  • Going to bed at night, in the dark, all alone.
  • Knowing that my heart doesn’t  belong to you, only because you don’t want it.
  • Feeling used.
  • Not being able to tell you how I feel.
  • I can’t tell you how you shattered my life and have you understand.
  • Being unable to convince you that I forgive you.
  • Being unable to convince you that I still want you.
  • Knowing you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth.
  • Being ignored to the point I feel I never meant anything to you.
  • Never feeling your embrace again.
  • Never kissing you.
  • Or making love to you.
  • Needing to pretend that what you do doesn’t bother me.
  • Hundreds of smells.
  • Thousands of sounds.
  • Millions of thoughts.
  • A lifetime of memories.
  • All the places we have been together.
  • All the homes we have lived in.
  • All the friends we made.
  • The music of our lives together.
  • Losing the one person I love the most.
  • Feeling like I can never love again.
  • The taste of your favorite foods.
  • Our favorite restaurants.
  • Making dinner.
  • Not being a part of a team anymore.
  • Feeling all alone in the world.
  • Knowing you are my whole world, but you don’t believe me.
  • The sun on my face and the wind in my hair.
  • The rumble of pipes.
  • Pepsi.
  • Vanilla Ice Cream.
  • Eating out.
  • Chilies on Greenville Ave.
  • Music and the Spoken Word
  • Church, everything about church.
  • Baby blessings.
  • Baptisms.
  • Seeing you in my dreams.
  • Hearing your voice.
  • Holding hands.
  • Hugs.
  • Kisses.
  • The warmth of your arms around me.
  • The smell of your naked skin.
  • The sound of you sleeping.
  • Knowing I will never be the same again.
  • Feeling my life has been wasted.
  • Starting over at this point. It’s so unfair. What did I do to deserve this?
  • Being abandoned…again.
  • Never going on missions with you.
  • Not having you there when Brent and Ashley get married.
  • Wanting a blessing, but knowing you won’t ever give me another one.
  • Waking up and realizing you are not here.
  • Family pictures.
  • Home movies.
  • Listening to the children talk about “ the good old days”.
  • Denver.
  • Colorado Springs.
  • Westminster.
  • New York.
  • Kansas.
  • Los Angeles.
  • San Fransisco.
  • Hawaii.
  • Cancun.
  • Orlando.
  • Miami.
  • Dallas.
  • Fort Worth.
  • Texas.
  • Colorado.
  • Florida.
  • Family Reunions.
  • Driving in the Mountains.
  • Holding your hand in the car.
  • Skiing.
  • Hockey.
  • Ice Skating.
  • Sitting by the fireplace.
  • Christmas.
  • Easter.
  • Birthdays.
  • 4 of July.
  • Halloween.
  • Tulips can never be my favorite flower anymore.
  • Cards.
  • Presents.
  • Letters.
  • Watching TV.
  • Listening to the news in the car.
  • The color blue.
  • ….and on and on and on

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We have experienced too much of life together! Everywhere I go, everything I do, taste, see, smell, hear or touch has the potential of turning into a jumbo wave of sadness.  The list is too long to ever escape the potential for grief and sadness.  Even if I never leave the house again, there will always be something there to remind me of you. This is the sum total of what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life, because it is a life without you!  Why can’t you see the truth?  Why won’t you do what is necessary to fix our family.  Everything could be so good again.  The deepest sadness of them all is that you don’t believe me.

The Cupcake Warrior

chocolate cupcake warrior

Stay Sweet, Be Strong