abuse, Becoming, betrayal, Coping, Emotional, healing, Mental, Physical, Spiritual, Trauma Recovery

Everything Does NOT Happen for a Reason, So Stop Saying That!

“Well, everything happens for a reason.” My friend says with a sigh.

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I know she means well. The comment is meant to bring me comfort, and help her feel that she is connecting with my pain, on some level. It is the sort of thing people say when they don’t know what to say. But this is an assumption that doesn’t make sense, and it doesn’t make someone experiencing the grief of a tragedy feel any better.

I recently read an article that more closely resembled my feelings that ‘not everything happens for a reason’ and some things are just senseless. I was able to codify my feelings in my therapist’s office last week so I will share them with you now. I told her how this comment really upsets me when anyone says it, to anyone. Her response both surprised me and helped me to connect with her. She gets me.

“I know! People used to say that to me too and it made me so mad! This did not happen for a reason!”

Yes! Bingo!

Someone cheating on you over and over doesn’t happen by some grand design meant to make you a “stronger person.” Like my therapist said, “I was a good person already, I would have ‘gotten there’ on my own! I didn’t need this to make me a better person!”

Yeah. Me too.

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Self improvement is my middle name. I am the sort of person who sets goals, and achieves them. I read self-help books. All the time. I want to be better, to do better, at my core. I believe in becoming. It’s in my DNA. It is who I am. I didn’t need some bonehead dumping my world upside down to accomplish what I was already in the process of doing. In many ways, he derailed me, and set me back…years. What I needed was a committed companion to take my hand and help me on my journey. I needed love and support. I needed to be nourished, not hit upside the head with a two by four. I needed to feel connected to my core foundation, my primary relationship attachment.  My husband. Not to suffer atrocities of his own making.

There is no doubt that I will learn some lessons along the way.  There are lessons to be learned in every experience. I do not want to discount this. But betrayal? Infidelity? PTSD? Shock? Grief? Are these the lessons I really needed to learn to grow as a person? Did I need this? Really? Was this somehow a part of God grand design for me? No. Absolutely not! I do not believe this for a minute. It is milarky.

Let’s talk about the suffering of the innocent. Shall we?

Every person on this earth will suffer needlessly at the hand of some careless idiot. Or worse. Someone who is evil at their core. We see it happen everyday. Mass shootings, betrayal, assault, abuse and exploitation, to name a few. All of these things are hideous and senseless. They should not happen. Ever!

But they do. The Lord knew this and he provided for it. Bad things happen because Heavenly Father values agency above nearly everything else. The freedom to choose is paramount to our salvation. We have to be FREE to CHOOSE HIM…or no. Because of this, some people’s choices hurt other people. Profoundly. But I do not believe these lapses in judgment are somehow part of God’s grand design. No. If it were so, I would be experiencing a crisis of faith, because that would mean that God is not loving, but punitive. He would be rightly accused of picking winners and losers among His children. Playing favorites. That is not the kind of God I could trust with my pain.

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But I have it on good authority that God is as upset as I am over the abuses I have suffered at the hands of my ex-husband. Alma teaches this principle very plainly in the Book of Mormon.

Alma and Amulek were missionaries who experienced great success. So much so, that the government rulers were angry at the faithfulness of the people Alma and Amulek converted. The rulers decided that if these new converts did not denounce their new-found religion they would kill all their wives and children, and throw scriptures in a fire with them for good measure. And to make it all the more evil, they would make these faithful men watch it all! How horrific. I can think of very few things that are worse than this. The Lord is very clear in showing this example how he feels. Causing others to suffer because of their wickedness is not acceptable to Him! It isn’t part of HIS plan! It is outrageous!

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Evidently, that is how Amulek reacted as well, and he wants Alma to stop this atrocity. He knew that the power of God could stop it! But Alma is restrained from stopping it by the Spirit, and he explains why:

“The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.” Alma 14:11

In other words, the Lord allow bad things to happen to good people so that He can justify punishing the bad people. It was explained to me this way –  If someone wants to kill their brother but never does it, they could say to God at the judgment day, “Well, I never actually did it. No crime was committed.” Even if God knows the thoughts and intents of the heart, he has no proof of the desires of the wicked brother because he was never allowed to act on the intent of his heart. But, if on the other hand, the evil brother acts out his wicked desires, boom! He is so guilty! God is justified and his punishement is just.

So the awful things humans do to each other are not part of God’s grand design. They are the consequences of the agency of another person. AND it allows God to justly punish the wicked.

God did not do this to me to teach me some cosmic lesson. He allowed my ex-husband to do this to me so that He would be justified in punishing him, should my ex never repent. My ex HAS acted out the evil in his heart. Now his job is to turn away from what he did and REPAIR the damage – four fold. (See D&C 98:44-45) If he doesn’t, the consequences for him will not be pretty. Justice will be served up.  Eventually.

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As for me, Heavenly Father has my back. He is giving me all the help and comfort I need right now to get past this, not so I can learn some unfair lesson, but so I can heal from experiencing something I never deserved. Yes, I will end up being a better person for it, maybe, because that is how I roll. But too many people who go through things equally frightful, or worse, and they won’t  be better for it, because it destroys them. Utterly and completely destroyed. Being destroyed doesn’t make you a better person. Suffering at the hands of someone you loved so deeply isn’t a life lesson that improves you. It changes you. Forever.  And not always for the better.  Betrayal isn’t a classroom the Lord uses to school his children. So please, don’t say this to your family and friends who suffer at the hands of a wicked person’s heart. It’s not true. And it certainly isn’t helpful.

Stay Strong, Be Sweet!

chocolate cupcake warrior

The Cupcake Warrior

abuse, betrayal, Coping, healing, My Story, PTSD, Self Care, Triggers

Anxiety and Panic

These last few weeks I have been experiencing an unusually high level of anxiety and panic. I am not sure why. I have spent a great deal of time in my head trying to figure it out. I am anxious about a lot of things. I have been for the past two years. That is one of the big things my Cheater took from me – peace of mind.

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I don’t know what will become of me. That is my biggest worry. Can I make it on my own? Will I heal? Am I always going to be broken? Can I ever be happy again? How do I find peace in my life when everything is in chaos? And then there is the financial piece. Don’t even get me started about how much this whole mess destroyed me financially. I. Worry. About. It. All. The. Time!

He took away my security, my hope, my peace, my joy, my safety. So much loss. And the infuriating thing about it is he does not care! 38 years of my life was devoted to this man, and he can destroy my life, walk away, and just not care. That is obvious from how he just remarried 5 months later. Is it proper to not spend even a minute mourning a 38 year marriage? I don’t know. Nothing he did, has done, or is doing makes any sense to me. But I digress.

He left me broken, shredded, and bleeding out. No wonder I am anxious and panicked. Who wouldn’t be?

My days are spent in panic. My nights are spent in panic.

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When morning comes and I wake up my first thought is – I am alone. Abandoned. Then the tears come. Every damn day I cry! When will it stop? I have started to try and negate some of this by dropping to my knees in prayer. Desperate prayer. Please God help me! I cry out to find the strength to make it through the day. Most days I feel abandoned, even by God. How long must this agony go on?

I feel like my legs and feet are encased in cement blocks. It makes it so terribly hard to make it through the day.

Then I spend an hour in scripture study. And I do mean study! This is the only hour of peace I have everyday. It’s the only time that my mind doesn’t wander. That I don’t wonder about – him.  When I study the scriptures I feel peace, comfort, safety. It makes so much difference I wish I could study all day. But I can’t.

The rest of my day is spent doing those things I must do interspersed with the things I need to do just to stay upright. I work at recovering from betrayal trauma all day! I work at it -HARD! It’s exhausting. Never ending. I resent needing to do this because of what someone else did to me. It isn’t fair. I did nothing to deserve this. But I am the one who has to work hard to fix it. He, of course, does nothing. Typical of a coward.

Here is what a “normal” day looks like for me:

  • Wake up in tears
  • Try to get out of bed, it usually takes me an hour
  • Take the dog out
  • I don’t eat because I am never hungry in the morning
  • Study the scriptures for an hour
  • Do my “dailies
  • Cry again
  • Then I am too exhausted to do anything else so I soak in the tub with epsom salts for 1-2 hours
  • Get dressed. By now it’s noon
  • Maybe I eat something and can hold it down without barfing
  • Take the dog for a walk and pick up the mail
  • Write in my journal
  • Cry some more
  • Attempt to do something productive, laundry, cleaning etc.
  • Start dinner
  • Eat dinner
  • Watch TV with my daughter while I dread going to bed
  • Go to bed and cry

Sounds great, doesn’t it? I’ve been reduced to barely existing.

The Cupcake Warrior

chocolate cupcake warrior

Be Sweet, Stay Strong

abuse, addiction, Coping, healing, My Story, Narcissist

Thank You for Being an Addict

I have reached that point in my own recovery where it is time for me to move on.  Everyone.  And I mean EVERYONE is begging me to move on.  I agree with them.  It is time.

It’s time for me to stop obsessing about what my, then husband, or now ex-husband, has done or didn’t do.  It’s time for me to figure out how to put the pieces  of my life back together again.  It’s time for me to find myself.  I have been so lost.  I don’t know who I really am anymore.  I intend to find out. Today, I am walking away. Forever.

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This is my last post that will be focused on him.  He reads my blog so I am sure he gets a narcissistic high from it anyway. He doesn’t deserve that kind of attention after today. What he deserves is to suffer with the knowledge that he made the wrong choice. However, before I close the door on this chapter of my life,  I have a few ending thoughts for my Ex.  There are some things that still need to be said.  Because, well, these things are instructive and provide context for my healing. I am not the first person this has happened to, and sadly, I won’t be the last, so maybe this will help those who follow after me…

Dear Ex,

I want to thank you, first of all, for getting married.  You finally shut the door on any hope or preconceived idea that you would figure out you have an addiction and work to put your family back together again.  For the past two years, this was the wish of my heart, my only wish.  I thought about it all day and dreamed about it all night. I prayed for it by day and cried out to God for it by night.  I had faith in you to do the right thing. So many sleepless nights spent in prayer – for nothing!  You let me down. I thought I knew you.  I thought you loved me. I thought you were a man of honor, like your father. I married you because of your father, I thought you would turn out like him.  You are nothing like him!

For two years you let me know everyday through your actions that you did not care about me enough to fight for me, or even admit you had a problem you needed to fight. You didn’t really want me back, that is now painfully obvious to everyone. Especially me.  I was just too in love with you to believe that you could really not love me.  I thought it was the addiction taking over, or you were not in your right mind. I thought, given time, you would come to your senses. I thought you would remember our life of 37 years together and want that back.  I thought you would remember how much you loved your children and grandchildren, and if you couldn’t do it for me, I thought you would surely do it for them. Instead you turned against me,  and them, and then systematically turned us against you by your repeated poor choices. Thank you for that.  Thank you for leaving me and taking your horrific problem with you so I do not have to deal with this for the rest of my life!

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Thank you for torturing me to the point of death.  I really mean that.  Your unrelenting manipulations, gaslighting, marginalizing, rationalizations and denial of what you were doing to me took me to a point that I had to choose to live for myself or to die for you.  I was able to choose to live for me.  And now I intend to do just that!

Thank you for showing me all the worst sides of you.  Thank you for showing me that you do not respect me or other women.  Thank you for showing me how easily you could lie to to me and be so convincing at it that you broke my ability to trust anyone.  Thank you for ripping out my heart and throwing it on the ground in front of me, stomping it to death, and then rubbing the blood in my face.  I am so much smarter and wiser now because of it.

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Thank you for driving your children and grandchildren away from you.  You hurt them beyond anything I thought you were capable of, but then again, you have done many things to surprise me these last few years.  Maybe by revealing your true character to them, they will suffer less and heal faster than I will, at least that is my hope for them. Thank you for choosing your new wife over your own flesh and blood.  The irony of this will be clear in a minute, just keep reading.

Thank you for cheating on the cheaters!  If you were more clever you would never allow this to happen.  You should have known there is nothing worse than a woman scorned, and they will ALWAYS go tell the wife to get even!  Thank you for the weird friendships I formed with all of your “throw-aways.”  Each one let me know, in their own way, that this wasn’t about me.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to listen to their stories, hear them cry, and try to comfort them. Thank you for providing a way for me to hear about the lessons they also learned from you.  We are all so much sadder, but wiser for having known you. I learned from them that you were so out of control in your life that you just refused to be satiated by your own needs, wants, and lusts.  From them, I learned that this had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you and your addiction.  An addiction that you STILL refuse to admit you have.

And finally, thank you for proving to me that I was right 8 years ago when I discovered your first affair, and I have been right all along! You proved this to me by cheating on your new wife, all during your courtship, the day you were married, and clear into the week after you got married!  You spent countless hours texting, sexting and leading on one woman, a widow – no less,  while you were courting your new wife. I don’t know how you live with yourself!?1d4434f48e2a223d16797413b7bdd213

I am sure your new wife would be horrified to know this, I know I was!  But it was also strangely cathartic for me too.  In fact, I laughed out loud!  But for only a minute.  Until it dawned on me that she is your victim too and you are more than an addict. This in nothing to laugh at – You are a predator.  You exploit women and use them for your own selfish purposes.  This fetish of yours will ultimately be your undoing. This is NOT just about making “friendships” and “connections.”  Videos of you masturbating while calling out a woman’s name who is not your new wife, isn’t just a “friendship.”  Someone should talk to you about what is and isn’t appropriate behavior with the opposite sex when you are courting or married.

Someone should tell your new wife the kind of man she married. I am sure she doesn’t know. Someone should tell her family. But it won’t be me.  She wouldn’t believe me anyway.  But I do have proof of it, should anyone care to see it.  Women who have been scorned by you get very upset!  They keep proof of your escapades and they will use it to blackmail you.  They have done this for 2 years.  What I cannot understand, is that if you don’t really have an addiction, why you keep giving them ammunition to shoot you with? And now I, also, have more ammunition to shoot you with.  But I won’t, at least for now.  You just are not worth my effort.  Eventually, you will shoot yourself in the foot.  You already have. It’s just a matter of time before you do it again.  I don’t need to do anything, but sit back and watch you self destruct!  You do not even have enough sense or self control to pull yourself together.

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What is worth my effort is to wash my hands of you having the satisfaction that I was right all along!  I was right about everything!  I was right about all your affairs, all your lies, all your secrets, all your prentending to want your family back, your fake indignation, and your strange acts in tawdry places.  My gut told me.  My therapists told me to trust my gut. And my gut and I were right – YOU HAVE AN ADDICTION AND YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOURSELF!  That should be painfully obvious to everyone by now, including you! But even your most recent shocking behavior is still probably not enough to awaken you to your awful situation!  You lost everything in your life that mattered to you because you were just too prideful to admit you had a problem and get help.  You chose to marry a woman you were cheating on, OVER YOUR OWN CHILDREN!  Oh the irony! I am still struggling to understand how a sane man does something like this to his children? Nevermind, what you did to me!

So I am finally FREE of you, and my nightmare is now truly ending. I am fully awake to the kind of man you have become.  Thank you for that too. This person you are now is NOT the man I fell in love with and married.  You are NOT him! He was a kind, and thoughtful man who loved the Lord and would not hurt anyone! I don’t know you anymore, this “thing” you have become now. You are monster parading around in a man’s body. I am so thankful to be rid of you!

However, I am sorry that your nightmare is just beginning, and it will continue until you admit you have a serious problem and get help for it.  It is going to take a lot for you to hear the siren alarm of your wake up call.  That much is painfully obvious by now.  You are a pretty slow learner and a poor student. If you haven’t figured this out by now, it’s doubtful you will until you are in a dire place of your own making, if ever.  IF, or when, that day finally comes, I fear your wake up call is going to be very harsh!  I will feel very sorry for you on that day – but also satified.  I will be able to tell you that I am sorry, just don’t expect me to do much more than that.  It is, after all, exactly what you have done for me, your children, and grandchildren. You are sorry, alright, but you can’t do more than say you are sorry.  Hollow sounding words. Don’t expect much more than that from me when you finally hit bottom – HARD!

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This I can promise you – all of this WILL come back to bite you in the butt, it always does. Karma ALWAYS comes around, and the piper ALWAYS has to be paid, and God ALWAYS requires an atonement for sins. You cannot cheat on life. The only person you are really lying to and deceiving, is yourself and now, your new wife.  Poor thing!  You will be found out for who you really have become.  Your new wife isn’t going to be kept in the dark by your lies for very long either. You can’t keep your addiction a secret and you cannot pretend it doesn’t exist.  It does.  The sooner you get yourself help, the better off everyone will be. Ironically, that has been my request of you from the beginning!  If only you had listened to me then! The saddest word of tongue or pen, the saddest of these, “It might have been.”

So here we are.  You are not my problem anymore.  You are HER problem!  And for that, I thank you most of all! You did me a favor.

With Gratitude, 

Me

The Cupcake Warrior

chocolate cupcake warrior

Stay Sweet, Be Strong!

Side Note:

In my group I was supposed to write a gratitude letter to you.  I could never write mine for some reason.  I wasn’t grateful to you for anything you did to me for the past two years.  I really struggled finding things I could be grateful to you for.  So thank you!  Thank you for allowing me to finally find my gratitude for you!

A Note to My Ex’s Family & Friends:

If you care anything about him at all, the best thing you can do for him, his family and the people he continues to hurt is to not enable him.  Stop saving him!  Tell him what you think about his behavior and encourage him to go get help! Your silence is approval to him.  Do you really approve of this?

betrayal, Choices, divorce, My Story, Spiritual, The Other Woman

Oh God, Where Art Thou?

If you are friends with me on Facebook, then you know that my Cheater got married  last week.  If you are not friends with me on Facebook… SURPRISE!

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Are you as surprised as I am?  Because he didn’t tell me or his kids.  He just went off and did it. So much class, that one! Obviously he didn’t think of me or the kids or how we would take it. That makes sense, because he obviously wasn’t thinking of us when he was cheating either!

I am shocked, but not shocked. He has made soooo many poor choices over the past two years, why not another one?  There are thousands of reasons why he shouldn’t have gotten married so fast.  The biggest one is that he is an addict and this is a rebound!  But it is my understanding that this is so typical of addicts.  1) They cannot live without someone telling them that they are ok and there is nothing wrong with them and 2) They want to prove to themselves and the world they are not the problem.  “See world, I found another spouse so fast, I must not be the problem! Somebody loves me enough to marry me!”  I give it 3 months. Nobody should be surprised.

I have had so many emotions swirling around, at hurricane force, inside me this past week.  I run the gambit from, relief to intense pain, similar to what I felt when I first learned of his betrayal. I am angry and sad.  I feel like screaming and laughing, all at the same time. But mostly I am relieved!

He got MARRIED!  What an idiot!

Eventually, I will process it all and sort it out.  But for now, I am still a mess. Here is why:

Do I even need to explain why?  Some things just don’t need words.

One thing stands out though – I AM FREE!  This is not my problem anymore!  He is not my problem anymore!  He is somebody else’s problem!! I can walk away and dust my hands feet off of him! Not my circus, not my monkeys! SHE now has to deal with his crazy!  And oh man, she is in for a rude awakening when she finds out just how crazy his crazy is! I sort of feel sorry for her.  Sort of. Some people are just willfully stupid and they deserve what they get. Some choice bite you in the butt because you put your butt in between the bars of the Lion’s cage! Mark my words, I will be telling you all about it before the next 3 months are over!

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Now, I know, he will NEVER get his act together.  He is NEVER going to change.  He isn’t interested in becoming a whole person.  He thinks he is just fine the way he is.  So that… is that.

I also know now that I do not EVER want him back. E-V-E-R!  He is no longer the man I married and he has proven that he isn’t likely to “come to himself” again in this life.  At the rate he is going, he doesn’t have enough time to fix any of the things he has done.  He doesn’t deserve me.  I don’t want him.  I really thought I would never be able to say that – but there it is. I don’t want him. He killed whatever feelings for him that I may have had. His new marriage has made all of that painfully clear. I mean nothing to him.

I have been living in my own denial.  I really believed he would get his act together and come back to me!  I actually believed that our 38-year marriage meant something to him and that eventually he would wake up and remember that! Addicts are not the only ones who can live in denial – victims do too. I was “denialing” it all over the place!  My bad.

All those months I spent praying for him to get a clue, begging the Lord for him to see his addiction and come out of denial, begging the Lord to help put our family back together, asking for an “Alma the Younger” experience for my ex. Pfft. They were prayers that were wasted.  Someone told me not to waste one more prayer on him and that it was time to pray for and focus on me.  I like that.  That first night after I found out about his marriage, I went to say my prayers and I seriously couldn’t think of what to pray for!  I had been praying so hard for him, I had completely neglected me.  I am fixing that right away! Just in the past few days my prayers have become infinitely more meaningful and peaceful. I am sure the Lord is glad He doesn’t have to listen to my incessant begging too. We are all just happier this way.

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One bad feeling that has surfaced again, is feeling abandoned.  I have been abandoned so much in my life by significant attachment relationships that it is hard not to feel that Heavenly Father has abandoned me too.  All the old, “why did this happen to me?” questions kicked in with a vengeance.  Followed quickly by, “God, do you even know I am here?” I have serious abandonment issues.

I understand the lament of Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, “O God, where art Thou?

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O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?

 How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?

 Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?

 O Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.

 Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and, in the fury of thine heart, with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs.

 Remember thy suffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.

~Doctrine & Convenants 121

I spent almost two hours talking to my sweet Sister about my sadness and pain on Friday. She was awesome.  She just listened.  And she said she didn’t have any answers, but she loves me. You couldn’t ask for more! No judgment.  No advice.  Just listening. One of the things I told her is that I felt God has abandoned me!  I feel like he is punishing me, like he thinks this is my fault somehow.  I know that isn’t true, but it is how I am feeling.  This is my own Gethsemane and God has withdrawn Himself from me.

And then the tender mercy came on Saturday morning as I woke up to Libby licking the tears from my eyes.  I had been crying in my sleep again.  That happens to me a lot. I wake up crying.  Through my tears, I read a text from a long time and very dear friend.  I don’t hear from her often, but when I do, it is profound.  She is one of those people who just “get’s me.” She knows what I need before I even know the problem.

“I read this article this morning and felt inspired to share it with YOU.  I know it’s been a hard week but please know you have friends seen and unseen praying for you.  Love you soooo much.” Yet Thou Art There, Elder Neal A. Maxwell

When she says “inspired,” I know that is the truth.  She studies the scriptures early in the morning and prays for guidance on who and how she can help that day.  What is clear is that the Lord sent her to me with a very specific message.

I already knew this talk.  I read it again and listened to the video. I read Elder Maxwell every chance I can.  He is my favorite!  I get my intellectual and spiritual feasting from him and Elder McConkie.  Between the two of them, they come up with everything I could ever need to hear! I love these two men.  They deliver the gospel, straight up, without the fluff.  I don’t want to hear stories or fluff, just doctrine. I wish they were still here.

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Several things Elder Maxwell said stood out:

“This same special assurance can see each of us through all the seasons and circumstances of our lives. A universal God is actually involved with our small, individual universes of experience! In the midst of His vast dominions, yet He numbers us, knows us, and loves us perfectly (see Moses 1:35John 10:14).”

Even though he knew he had been called personally by a personal God, Enoch wrestled with feelings of personal inadequacy (see Moses 6:31). Enoch also wept over the human condition, but he was told, “Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look” (Moses 7:44). If Enoch had not looked and been spiritually informed, he would have seen the human condition in isolation from the grand reality. If God were not there, Enoch’s “Why?” would have become an unanswered scream of despair!


Significantly, the consequences of misused human agency were explained to Enoch: mortals had been given a commandment to “love one another,” yet those then had become a people “without affection” who “hate their own blood” (Moses 7:33).

At first, Enoch refused “to be comforted” (Moses 7:44). Finally, he saw God’s plan, the later coming of the Messiah in the meridian of time, and the eventual triumph of God’s purposes. Enoch saw how the throne of God features justice and mercy (see Moses 7:31).

We, too, can “refuse to be comforted.” We can wrongly charge God with that large portion of human misery which is actually caused by mortals’ failure to keep His commandments. Or, like Enoch, we can be intellectually meek enough to look and to accept the truths about God’s being there and about His personality and plans.


Deity called Samuel, Mary Magdalene, Saul, and Joseph Smith by their first names (see 1 Sam. 3:4John 20:16Acts 9:4JS—H 1:17).

Macro-love with such micro-manifestations!


Without the revelations, however, the answers as to the why of our existence and the why of human suffering would elude even the best intellectual excursions:

“Behold, great and marvelous are the works of the Lord. How unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of him; and it is impossible that man should find out all his ways. And no man knoweth of his ways save it be revealed unto him; wherefore, brethren, despise not the revelations of God” (Jacob 4:8).

The ultimate human questions are really the “why” questions! The gospel is positively “brim” with answers to the “why” queries concerning human purpose. Gospel truths are the vital integrating and ordering truths, not only telling us of “things as they really are” but also “as they really will be” (Jacob 4:13).


Conscience permits the Lord to be there, whether in early warnings or final warnings. He gives us a flash of insight or a twinge of remembrance, pulling us back from a precipice or prompting us to do good. Conscience can warn that we are only falling further behind by insisting on getting even. Conscience warns us not to sink our cleats too deeply in mortal turf, which is so dangerously artificial.

In a hundred ways, Deity will always be there, just as Enoch testified, including in our suffering.


Wives and husbands whose lives are shattered by the betrayal of a deserting spouse may feel forsaken or drenched by injustice. Yet they, too, can know, “Thou art there,” by responding to Jesus’ invitation, “Come unto me, all ye that … are heavy laden” (Matt. 11:28).


To those of you who so suffer and who, nevertheless, so endure and so testify by the eloquence of your examples, we salute you in Christ! Please forgive those of us who clumsily try to comfort you. We know from whence your true comfort comes. God’s “bosom” is there to be leaned upon.

Jesus’ promised peace is a special form of rest amid unrest. Even when other things are in commotion, His disciples can still stand (see D&C 45:26, 32). His disciples know the Lord is there in latter-days. “I am he who led the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt; and my arm is stretched out in the last days, to save my people Israel” (D&C 136:22).

We can confidently cast our cares upon the Lord because, through the agonizing events of Gethsemane and Calvary, atoning Jesus is already familiar with our sins, sicknesses, and sorrows (see 1 Pet. 5:72 Ne. 9:21Alma 7:11–12). He can carry them now because He has successfully carried them before (see 2 Ne. 9:8)!


Yes!  He is there!  Even when you cannot hear Him yourself, He sends his comfort through the words and deeds of others.  Oh how grateful I am for righteous and faithful friends! Thank you for this tender mercy. God does know I am here and he hears me!

UPDATE:  It turns out that the Ex was cheating on the new spouse before he married her!  He was cheating with another woman even several days after he got married.  How do I know this?  The woman he was cheating with contacted me because she read this blog!  Yep!  He cheats on his new wife.  This should be interesting.  Where’s the popcorn??

The Cupcake Warrior

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Stay Sweet, Be Strong!

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abuse, betrayal, Emotional, forgiveness, My Story

Unimaginable

This song  from the musical Hamilton, speaks to my heart more than any break-up song could. I have been thinking about the song a lot lately.  This morning when I woke up the words of the song were already playing in my head and the tears just started to flow.  I have learned when that happens I just need to let what is inside, come out. So that is the reason for this blog post, there are feelings I just need to let out.  Losing my husband to his addiction is truly something that was unimaginable.  Even now, I still cannot wrap my brain around how something like this could happen to us.  But the song didn’t quite fit the space in my heart since it is about the loss of a child instead of a spouse.  So I have  adapted the words to my experience.  It turns out I didn’t need to change very many words:

There are moments that the words don’t reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your love as tight as you can
Then push away the unimaginable
The moments when you’re in so deep
Feels easier to just swim down

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And so she moves uptown
And learns to live with the unimaginable
She spends hours in the garden
She walks alone to the store
And it’s quiet uptown
She never liked the quiet before
She takes herself alone to church on Sunday
A sign of the cross at the door
And she prays
That never used to happen before

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Chorus
If you see her in the street walking by herself
Talking to herself, have pity
She’s learning to like it uptown, its quiet uptown
She is working through the unimaginable
Her hair has gone grey, she passes every day
They say she walks the length of the city
You knock me out, I fall apart
Can you imagine?

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Look at where I am
Look at where I started
I know I don’t deserve this
But hear me out, that would be enough
If I could spare his life
If I could trade his sins for mine
He’d be standing here right now
And I would smile
And that would be enough
I don’t pretend to know
The challenges he’s facing
I know there’s no replacing what we’ve lost
And he needs time
But I’m very afraid
He is not who I married
I wished he would’ve stayed by my side
That would have been enough

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Chorus
If you see her in the street, walking by herself
Talking to herself, have pity
She doesn’t like it uptown. It’s too quiet uptown
She is trying to do the unimaginable
If you see her walking in the park, alone, after dark
Taking in the sights of the city
Look around, look around, look around
She is trying to do the unimaginable

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There are moments that the words don’t reach
There’s a grace too powerful to name
We push away what we could never understand
We push away the unimaginable
She is standing in the garden
Standing there by herself
She takes His hand
It’s quiet uptown
Forgiveness, can you imagine?

Forgiveness, can you imagine?

Young beautiful girl emotionally prays to the god of a wind

Chorus
If you see her in the street, walking by herself
Talking to herself, have pity
Look around, look around
She is going through the unimaginable

Here is a link to the song in case you have never heard it before – It’s Quiet Uptown

When this happened to me I was living downtown.  I loved it!  It killed me to have to move out, but I did because he wasn’t safe.  It has been hard to live “uptown.” I miss my past life with him, at least I miss the life I thought I had with him. Little did I know he would never provide safety for me again.

A woman truly walks this road completely alone.  Even with the support of the family and friends, therapist and groups, it is truly something that, in the end, you do alone. The only one who truly “gets it” is God.  He is the only one who can mend my broken heart.

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Grief is a solitary exercise.  It’s quiet uptown.  It’s suffering too terrible to name.  I am going through the unimaginable.

Stay Strong, Be Sweet

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betrayal, boundaries, Choices, denial, infidelity, My Story, no contact, repentance, The Other Woman, Trauma Recovery

Phoenix Rising

As I mentioned in another post my ex-husband  burned our family down. He burned me down. He burned us down. There is literally nothing left of me or our family except ashes. Just when I think there is nothing more he can do to destroy our family any further, he finds another way. There isn’t any end to his nonsense.

no-contactSince I went “no contact” with him, he has turned his attentions to torturing our adult children. Our oldest daughter asked him to break up with his girlfriend so he could turn his attention and time to healing the damage he has done to them. It seemed to be a reasonable request to me because it is basically the same request I have been making of him for the past two years; to turn all of his attention and time to me to heal our relationship. This is what a normal person would do. They would gladly do everything they could to heal the breach, especially before “moving on” to ruin some else’s life. Someone who does this to their family needs serious counseling in how to develop healthy relationships. But apparently, he wants to move on now, keep his girlfriend and have his adult children be ok with it, not just be ok, but to give their blessing to his bad choices. (I don’t even want to discuss what kind of idiot woman wants a man who is this messed up?)

smore_card_covers8His insistence that our children be ok with his decisions was met with a strong boundary for him, “You need to spend your time healing the damage between us before you move on with any other relationship, or we cannot have a relationship with you. Period.” But rather than understand or respect the requested boundary his children gave him, he kept insisting that they do it his way.  It’s not unusual for him to want it his way.  Most of his responses in the past dozen years or so are very selfish. But this serves as an example of how Addicts do not respect boundaries. They do not respect what their loved ones need. Most of the time they don’t even have a clue how to figure out what their loved ones need! It’s all about them.  Wisdom and common sense would dictate that when someone destroys another persons wellbeing, they would want to do whatever was asked of them to repair the damage they have done. This is what healthy people do. And if they are not healthy they would, or should, want to GET HEALTHY! First. Before they do anything else.

I can only speak from my own experiences. It’s what I know. It’s why I write – to share my experiences to, hopefully, help others.  The purpose for sharing this situation is not to vilify my ex-husband, but the purpose is for a concrete, instructive situation that  both the addict and their family members can understand:

Unhealthy people with unhealthy relationships cannot form new healthy relationships without learning new patterns of behavior that allow the addict to repair and restore the damage they have done. First! There is no “moving on” until the addict chooses to act in healthy and responsible ways. These new patterns are learned in the 12 Steps Program. This should be a basic place for the addict to start to repair relationships.

Choices and accountability matter!

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In his present mindset, my ex-husband’s prospects for healing his relationship with his children seems as abysmal as his chances for his healing our relationship. He hasn’t made the choice to do the hard work of real repentance. He hasn’t chosen me. He hasn’t chosen his children. He hasn’t chosen God.  Until he makes the right choices he will continue to feel the adverse consequences of his choices.

And men are instructed sufficiently that they know good from evil. And the law is given unto men. And by the law no flesh is justified; or, by the law men are cut off. Yea, by the temporal law they were cut off; and also, by the spiritual law they perish from that which is good, and become miserable forever. 2 Nephi 2:5

The consequences for his most resent choices are that his children now want nothing more to do with him until he can make better choices. His children want him to CHOOSE THEM!  Just like I wanted him to CHOOSE ME!! For now, he has chosen the girlfriend, not his children. I cannot fathom this choice! Just like I couldn’t fathom his choice to not choose me.  Somehow this seems worse to me though – they are his own flesh and blood! What kind of monster does this??? If I were in this same situation, of course I would choose my kids! Of course I would choose my family! I would have chosen our relationship in the first place. But that is me thinking with a non-addict brain.  Who the hell knows what he is thinking???

In order to come to this decision to have no contact with him, our adult children met with a counselor to get advice on how to handle this situation.  They discussed the disrespect their father has for them by refusing to honor their requests of him. They talked about when is it appropriate to cut off contact and for how long.   When does a relationship become so toxic it requires cutting off the relationship? (Google the ‘no contact rule’ it is a thing and it makes a lot of sense!)

What it boils down to is this: Hitting Rock Bottom

Addicts will not change until the pain of what they have lost because of the addiction becomes greater than the “high” they get from the next hit of chemical dependency. In bottomline terms; what does it take for the addict to hit rock bottom? Hitting rock bottom is different for everyone. Some can hit bottom just by being horrified at themselves for what they have done. For others, it will mean losing everything; job, marriage, children, family,community standing, religious excommunication, self-respect, and some go so far to lose even basic freedoms to live in society.

As it turns out, cutting off a relationship with an addict may be one of the best things you can do for them if they will not come to terms with their behavior on their own, because it requires them to face their own demons on their own. The enabling of the addict stops. He has no one to blame but himself. Hopefully, he will be forced to hit bottom faster. As the addict loses more and more of the things that matter most to him this serves as a wake up call. At some point the addict needs to wake up one day and say, “Gee, maybe I am the one with the problem!” Only when this happens will the reality of the addicts behavior begin to set in:

Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds. Jacob 2:35

What will it take for him to see the sheer magnitude of pain his choices has caused his family? Who knows. We can only withdrawal to a safe distance until he figures himself out. Nobody can do it for him. Helpless.  That is how we all feel. It is anyone’s guess how far he will have to fall to hit rock bottom.  After 3 years of hell, he still isn’t there.

The challenge we face now is to figure out how to rise from the ashes in spite of him. It is clear he doesn’t want to assist in the healing. So it is something we must do for ourselves. This much I know, we had a great family. He walked away from one of the best families a man could ever have. Our children are great! I was a great wife and mother!  If anyone can do this, we can. We can and we will succeed in our own healing. We will, like the Phoenix, rise from the ashes of our lives.

Upon completion of its life cycle, the famed firebird builds its funeral pyre. After setting itself alight, it burns until nothing but ash remains. From that ash and flame, the Phoenix Rises!

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Note: What do you think ex-husband’s reaction was to his children telling him that he cannot have contact with them for now?

It was blame.

It’s ALWAYS about the blame! He blamed me. (And I am not even around him anymore!) Never mind that our children are all grown adults who can think and act for themselves. But still…It was all my fault. I brainwashed them all against him. I love how he phrases it too; “I see you have decided to follow in ‘Your Mother’s’ footsteps and….” Doesn’t he know how offensive this is to his grown children?  He is outright discounting that they have a single brain between them and that one brain that they all share is controlled completely by me!  How offensive can he be???

What he should have said is, “Gee, I guess you are really serious about how you feel.  I didn’t understand that it meant so much to you that I break off this relationship with Girlfriend. I thought you were kidding, it appears that you are not.  So after rethinking things I have decided you are more important to me and I will break up with her, no contact at all for the next 6 months and spend that time just on you guys to try to rebuild our relationship.  I won’t even talk to you about her.  In six months we can revisit this subject and see where we are at that time.  Does that sound ok to you?”

This is just way too healthy a response for him though!

This is just another witness in a long line of examples that denial is alive and well and has found a home in him, a host parasite that sucks all the brains and common sense right out of him!  He couldn’t possibly have anything to do with it.

His denial disgusts me. I don’t want to feel this way, but there it is.

Be Strong, Stay Sweet! (Or try to, anyway.)

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The Cupcake Warrior