abuse, betrayal, Emotional, healing, infidelity, Mental, Narcissist, PTSD, Self Care, Trauma Recovery

Where Focus Goes Energy Flows

Are you having obsessive thoughts? What are obessive thoughts? Why are they related to betrayal trauma? These questions, and others, will be addressed in this post to help you better understand the connection between betrayal trauma and obsessive thoughts, how to handle them, and the best ways to get past them.

Obessive thoughts happen as a result of being betrayed by your primary relationships. This is the one person you always thought you could count on for safety, love, and survival. And now you can’t. This causes a trauma so deep that it is difficult, but not impossible, to recover from it. Betrayal trauma mimics the symptoms of PTSD, and for good reason! Being betrayed by your primary attachment relationship is dvastating!

Thinking. Girl solving a problem. Conceptual image.

Dr. Randi Gunther, PhD says, “The partner who has been betrayed is emotionally tortured and humiliated when knowledge of the infidelity emerges. They are clearly in trauma and experience the same array of symptoms that professionals now describe as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Similar to any others who have suffered threats to their physical or emotional well-being and security, they are disoriented and confused by what has happened.”

Many women that I talk to have a similar experience to the quote below;

“Ever since I found out about the affair, I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I have repeated nightmares. My faith in trust and love is demolished. The person I believed in most in the world betrayed me without seeming to care. If I’d known something was wrong, maybe I could have stopped it before it got going. I spin between being devastated and being enraged. I can’t seem to find any peace, knowing that there is probably more than I will ever be told. I feel like a fool, humiliated, and broken. How could my partner do this to me?” 

Also, if the affairs and lying go on for months or years without any improvement in the behaviors of the betraying spouse it is abuse! When this abuse continues, it results in trauma bonding. It is also more than likely that the addict is exhibiting narcissistic behaviors resulting from his sex or porn addiction. Being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner is also abuse and can cause long term damage to you, and your children. It is important to name these experiences for what they are so you can reassure yourself that you are not over reacting to the affairs,ifidelity, and behaviors of your partner!

When your primary attachment relationship partner cheates on you, it is abuse! When he hides that affair from you, it is abuse! When he lies about it, it is abuse! When he continues to do it after the affair is discovered it is abuse! And when you endure this abuse over long periods of time you will likely develop betrayal trauma and PTSD. I wish someone had told me this, because had I known what was happening to me, I would have left immediately. Just the obsessive thoughts is enough to make a person feel crazy and nobody wants that!

I became aware of my obsessive thoughts very early on in my Cheaters betrayal. In the beginning it was obsessing about what he was doing, who he was with, and how I was going to help him get over his addiction. Later on, the list of things I could obess about over him grew exponentially. What is he doing? Where is he going? Who is he with now? Why did he leave me? Why didn’t he love me enough to fight for me? Why did he destroy our family? …and on and on and on, to infinity and beyond!

Why? Why? Why?

And almost always the thoughts centered on him! Not me! I was suffocating in the thoughts of him and completely ignoring me. At first I thought that thinking about him would help me. But it did not help me. It still doesn’t help me.

It is important to understand that obsessive thinking isn’t a pathological response to trauma. It is a normal response. Until you take steps to grapple with shattered assumptions and construct a story about the affair that makes sense to you, you will be prone to obsessing. In other words, obsessive thoughts may intrude throughout the process of recovery until healing is complete. But how do you heal from something that is so all encompassing and consuming?

A turning point in gaining control of my obsessive thoughts was when I was listening to a guided mediations, and the voice said, “focus goes, energy flows.” Later in the same meditation the same thought was reframed, “what you focus on grows.” A light bulb when on in my brain! I was allowing him to be the focus and center of my attention, and by doing so he was growing in power and energy in my mental and physical world. I decided then and there that this had to stop!

Energy flows where attention goes.

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Later, in my healing journey a came across the idea that my thoughts create my reality. I became aware that what I was thinking about really had a tremendous impact on my outer world. Did I really want him and his betrayal of me to become the focus of my world. This thought process is what made me stop writing this blog as much. I knew I had to focus more on healing to be able to continue to help others heal. “Where focus goes, energy flows.”

I have to explain two things here before we begin;

  • This doesn’t mean you have to ignore all the hard emotions your are experiencing! In fact, it will be important for you to address them, so you can heal from them. I will talk about how to do that more in future posts.
  • Mastery of your thoughts takes time! So please be patient with the process. It takes a lot of work to master your mind! Do not think that you are a failure because it doesn’t happen overnight. Depending on how pervasive your trauma and abuse were, it could take years to overcome it. Don’t be discouraged by this, anything worthwhile takes practice. Healing from this is worthwhile! It will bless you and those around you for generations.

So lets get started!

Many traditional therapy modalities have great tools for overcoming obsessive thoughts, and I use, or have used, many of them. for example, journaling is very beneficial. There is much good that happens from putting all the thoughts you have down on paper, or in a blog, to get them from living in your head. Also, I loved the idea of giving myself permission to obsess for a determined amount of time, sort of like getting it out of my system! EMDR was also a lifesaver! I was so disturbed by what was going on in my inner world that I was willing to try anything to get some relief from my own mind! But in my healing journey I wanted to go deeper. I felt that I had only scratched the surface in healing with regular therapy. There had to be more! Enter energy healing

So to the list of traditional therapy tools for obsessive thought I add a few of my own;

  • Grounding – this is a great tool to get your thoughts out of your head and push all that energy down into your lower chakras, specifically the root and solar plexus, where it can be transformed into positive actions. When you take the time to ground, you will be better equiped to take action and complete tasks.
  • Get out in Nature – Along with grounding, there is something very healing about being out in nature! Take the time to just be outside. I have a patio surrounded by trees and bushes. I planted flowers in pots and it has really become a natural oasis. Sometimes I just like to sit out there and read book. (Reading is also a great way to redirect your thoughts!)
  • Meditation – Meditating is critical for developing healthier thought patterns! I meditate now for at least an hour a day. If I don’t meditate then I feel the difference. If I do mediate it helps everything else in my day go better. I have tried meditations apps that I love and work for me I like Insight Timer the best. I also use lots of free YouTube videos, here are some of the channels I subscribe to .
  • Prayer and Scripture Study – Also critical to controlling obsessive thoughts is connecting to God. It’s important to daily remind yourself what He thinks of you and wants for you in your life. There is a quote that fits perfectly to explain why this is important. “If you want to talk to God – pray, if you want God to talk to you – study your scriptures.” Nearly every single day I get an answer to an important question that I have been searching for, just by studying my scriptures.
  • Exercise – I’ve learned that there is no better way to get out of your head than to get physical. I am not a big exerciser. I don’t love it to be honest! But I have to do it, to stay in my own recovery. Everyone can find some way to physically release energy! In the process of healing I found that some of the Eastern exercise modalities where very beneficial to me and very doable. If you don’t love exercise then check into the more meditative forms of yoga, Tai Chi, and QiGong. Recently, I came across the videos of Misti Tripoli and her dance system called Body Groove. It’s exercise through dance! I used to love to dance in my life before marriage. So I thought I would go back to that time and renew an old love. This is a paid program, but you can find many free videos on YouTube to get you started. I have provided links to some of the videos I like. Even if you can’t exercise there are things you can do to get physcial. Some idea are; exercising from a chair, walking, or working with your hands in clay.
  • Affirmations – Change your thoughts, change your life! It is really true! Scripturally speaking “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” What do you think about? In the beginning of my trauma healing I would listen to affirmation videos on YouTube for hours on end. I just put my headphones in and listened while I went about my day. I listened in my car (Don’t mediate in the car while you are driving!) Affirmations are not mediations. These are positive thoughts that will help you reprogram your mind to think in a more affirmative way.
  • Gratitude – I must admit, I didn’t feel like I had much to be grateful for! The love of my life betrayed me and destroyed my family, it was hard to find gratitude! But then I learned about the energetic frequency of gratitude. It turns out that gratitude vibrates at about 900mhz and God is at 1000mhz. Gratitude is really, energetically speaking, the quickest way to get close to God, and I wanted to be close to Him more than anything. So, as the angels would have it, I found a gratitude practice. It literally fell in my lap! I know now that when things come to me, it is for a reason, so I set about doing a 28-day gratitude practice. It not only changes my thoughts, but also my outlook on life in general! Give it a try!

These are all tools that you can use for yourself without any special training. I used them when I was in the middle of my traumatic responses, I still use them today. You may find is that trauma changes you in profound ways. I cannot tell you how much it has changed me and my life! I have had to completely reinvent myself and my life, particularly how I do things on a daily basis. Many, if not most, of these tools I listed above I MUST do daily, or at a minimum, weekly to keep my mind in balance. It is imperative that you start a daily self-care routine and practice it just like you would practice as sport or musical instrument. I still have to quiet obsessive thoughts, not as much as I used to, on a regular basis. I had to come to terms with the idea that this may be my new normal. However, a life of meditation, grounding, scripture study, prayer, exercise and affirmations is not a bad thing! Being traumatized will change your life, whether those changes are for your healing or destruction is totally up to you!

Change your thoughts, Change your life!

If you find that these tools are not enough and you need more help ask to join my private facebook page Empowered Healing where I go over more in depth tools I use for healing.

Coming Soon! You can also book a session with me for one-on-one coaching. I never want you to feel like you have no place to go or no one to help you!

Stay Sweet, Be Strong!

The Cupcake Warrior

Becoming, grounded, healing, meditation, My Story, Self Care

Grounded: A Right to Be

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The element of the first chakra is EARTH.  Being grounded.  It is the ground that supports and nourishes you.  Without a solid foundation your temple will not be strong, without deep roots, your tree will not grow tall.

“All journeys begin with a single step.  You can only take this step by making solid contact with the earth.”

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So this journey of becoming starts at the very bottom, by going down into the earth.  The Sanskrit name for this energy center is Muladhara, which means – root support. There is the thought that you go down to rise up.  Think of what happens when you jump.  You bend your knees to gather the energy and power to  rise up.  This is the essense of the first chakra – going down to rise up.

This chakra is associated with the survival instinct and the will to live so it affects your basic health and vitality. It is also where you manifest all your creativity.  To be able to fully manifest you must be able to ground yourself and your energy into the earth.  If this chakra is in trauma (which mine is) you will find it difficult to feel safety or security.

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The truth is: I haven’t felt grounded for a long time.  For the past two years I have been living “up in my head” as my yoga instructor likes to call it.  I get that.  My head is a jumbled mess of disconnected chaos.  I am unable to connect to anything.  I am untethered.

Imbalances in Being Grounded

Some of the imbalances of the first chakra are: heaviness, sluggishness, resistance to change, workaholism, spaciness, vagueness, restlessness, overeating, overweight, anorexia, fear, anxiety, feeling disconnected from your body, restlessness, resisting structure, inability to manifest. Some of these things are polar opposites, which represent the excessive and deficient characteristic of having an imbalance here. You can have some of both at the same time.

When you are in balance, in other words, grounded, you will feel:

  • Grounded
  • Have good physical health
  • A sense of safety and security
  • Stability and solidity
  • Right livelihood
  • Prosperity
  • Ability to be still
  • Present in the here and now

Whoa!  I have some work to do.  I largely depended on my ex-husband to provide me with safety and security.  He wasn’t very good at it, physically, spiritually or emotionally, so it left me feeling insecure and threatened for the better part of our marriage.  The constant moving did not help as it kept me off-balance. I couldn’t feel settled or grounded because I was being constantly uprooted. It wasn’t all his fault.  I did not know I could provide these things for myself.  I didn’t need to rely on someone else for my own peace of mind, I had the power all along to provide myself with my own safety and security.  I didn’t know that then, but I do now.

Issues that have plagued me my whole life, overeating, weight gain, anxiety, fear, depression all stem from not having a root support to my tree.  It couldn’t grow because I was constantly being up-rooted.  I wasn’t grounded.

The Right to Be

The right of the first chakra is; the right to be here and the right to have. 

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The right to be here means being comfortable with the right to fully occupy your body and live your life, and to take up a reasonable amount of space for doing so.  If you are uncomfortable with this right, you might find yourself apologizing for just being.  Do you say you are sorry too much?  Do you find yourself apologizing for everything, including things you did not do?  Do you feel the need to apologize for existing? If so, you might need to work on being more grounded.

I struggled with almost all of these, thanks to my ex-husband! I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t apologizing for existing.  I felt so much discomfort for anything that I did that I was ALWAYS SORRY! I was even sorry for my successes!  This is NOT how our Father in Heaven wants us to see ourselves.  We should not be apologizing for being.  Along with the right to be we also have the right to make mistakes – to be human. I think having a right to be is a basic right that everyone has.  We have a right to be – without apology, for being who we are.

The only apology we ever need make is for the things we do that cause harm to ourselves or others, our mistakes and sins.  This is also known as repentance.  And repentance is different from feeling sorry for being.  repentance is a catalyst of change.  Feeling sorry for existing is shaming.  There is a difference. Otherwise, we have a right to learn and grow at our own pace.

My ex-husband shamed me for most of the things I did.  He shamed me for not being clean enough, smart enough, making small mistakes over and over, for my grammar, or the way I phrased things.  I wasn’t allowed to just BE. I had to BE what HE thought I should BE.  By his constant criticism, he taught me that he did not have the confidence in me to get it right, so I believed that too.  And because of that, I spent way too many years caring what other thought of me.  My sense of well-being didn’t come from within, it came from without. No wonder I never felt safe!

For me the first step in becoming is feeling a have a right to be-ing!

The Right to Have

The right to have begins with having what you need in order to survive, and rests on top of the right to be here.  Your right to have includes your right to have success, prosperity, time to yourself, pleasure, adventure, friends, or any number of other things.  You will know you have a problem with the right to have if you find it difficult to receive. If you have problems with money, housing, friends, or creature comforts, you may want to explore how you feel about your right to have.

Even though my Cheater was a good provider for our family, he lives his life in the mindset of scarcity.  No matter how much money he makes, his response to my asking for money or anything, was there wasn’t enough.  I was shamed, for the most part, for the things I needed and wanted.  Looking back, I realize that there was no reason for him to behave this way.  He could have had an attitude of being generous. There was no reason for him not to be generous. We never wanted for anything!  But his attitude portrayed an illusion of lack.  He lives having a million reasons why something cannot happen instead of finding a way to make it happen.  No wonder he is such a miserable and lonely person!

“Gratitude is the key to abundance.”

Sitting as a guidepost to the right to have is an attitude of gratitude.  Having an abundance of all that life has to offer is brought about by having a profound gratitude for what you do have!  I am sure our Father in Heaven has many blessings to pour out on our head’s if we will only show gratitude for what He has already given us.  Part of showing that gratitude is being free with what we have to bless the lives of others, especially our own families! No matter how much or how little we have, we should be generous with what we do have with those we love the most.

How to Root Your Feet into the Ground

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Luckily, many of the things I love doing are also grounding!  My inner core, my spirit, must have known all along how to heal from being so disconnected from myself because there are some things I naturally do:

  • Writing
  • Hobbies (creating)
  • Gardening

BUT there are other things I could and should be doing to help feel more grounded. I am starting to work on some of these:

  • Play more
  • Laugh more
  • Move more
  • Connect with Nature everyday
  • Exercise
  • Healthy eating
  • Yoga
  • Hiking
  • Biking

Anything that brings you closer to your basic need to be and have will help you to feel more grounded. And, of course, engaging in a yoga class will help with all of these.  I highly recommend one that teaches the principles behind it as well as the poses. I have taken yoga classes before, but I haven’t learned much from it until I got both the theory and the technique. If you want to know more about being grounded, search the internet for grounding techniques and exercises.  There are lots of them, so many that I couldn’t pick one to  recommend to you.

Nameste 

The Cupcake Warrior

chocolate cupcake warrior

Be Sweet, Stay Strong!