betrayal, My Story, Trauma Recovery, Uncategorized

Untethered 

I have been working on becoming grounded practically everyday since my yoga class began two months ago, and with good reason – I am untethered from the earth. A thought that both intrigues and terrifies me at the same time. Don’t panic. I am not suicidal. I just have this feeling like the earth is no longer home to me. I don’t belong here. The earth has become my prison and it is holding me hostage. If I were to go to my heavenly home today, I would be ok with that, because I would be free of this pain. If I could choose it, I would not stay. But it is not my choice to make. So my mind and body are rebelling. It’s another coping mechanism of the brain to deal with intense pain.

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Today I discussed these feelings with my therapist, and I discovered I am not alone in this space. Floating above the earth and not feeling your feet touch the ground is not uncommon for women in betrayal trauma. Imagine all of the souls that walk among you who are untethered from this world because they feel indescribable pain. These are the real walking dead. Welcome to the world of the betrayed.

Imagine a pain so deep, so wide, and so vast that the earth is not large enough to hold it. That is what betrayal trauma feels like. Pain like that cannot be contained on earth. It is bigger than the earth.

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I discovered my disconnnect from all things earthly while doing a guided meditation of visualizing my chakras. Being grounded is the first chakra. It’s color is red and it’s location is at the base of the spine, the tailbone. In visualizing this chakra you should be able to see, in your minds eye, a bright red spinning disk at the base of your spine.

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I can see all of my chakras, but this one. The others are all present, to one degree or another. I can see them all but this one. Which is weird because I can normally, easily visualize the color red, just not in relationship to my chakras. Some of my chakras are vibrant and alive with vivid colors, others are faint. The red one is, well, practically non-existent. It is mostly gray, powdery, and dust, like a fire that has burned itself out completely. Periodically it pulses with the faintest red glow, almost imperceptible. An ember that  still burns hot, but is covered in ash.  So faint, and sporadic, that I almost didn’t notice it. I’m afraid to blow on it too hard, for fear I will blow it out completely. I only saw it because the fact that it wasn’t there frightened me. I kept searching for it in my minds eye long after the instructor had moved the class on to the next one. Once I saw it, I moved on too. But the experience left me shaken. So I finally told it to my therapist today.

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Her response was amazing. It left me feeling very validated and less alone. “How could you be grounded if the one thing you were grounded to, betrayed you?” Being grounded is a feeling of safety. It is your security. What happened to me was anything but safe. My whole world was blown apart! The life I thought I had was a total lie!  What was there left to be grounded to? Nothing! It is all gone! Being grounded implies I have something solid to be grounded into. The betrayal of my spouse is no small thing. It makes a mockery of everything I thought was real. With my reality called into question, how could I be grounded? And what would I be grounded to? This is what I now have to figure out. What is it that grounds me to this world in the aftermath of all this destruction?

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For now, it is my children and grandchildren. I stay here for them. They need me to be whole and grounded so that they have something to anchor themselves to as well. But I cannot put my exisitence and well-being solely on them either. That isn’t fair. In a fair world, the way God intended it, parents need to be grounded so children can ground to them, not the other way around. Their Dad betrayed them too. He left all of us untethered, and then he ran away. Now I am the one left behind to clean up after him, to make sure everyone else left behind will be ok. It’s not their job to make sure I am ok. It was his job. Does that make sense? Being tethered to them must be a temporary space for me to live in. I need a reason to stay that is greater than they are. A purpose for my very be-ing.

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So I work hard on feeling grounded everyday. For them. I found this chakra balancing meditation I do every night before bed. It’s a little weird, but I like that the first thing he does in the video is to have me imagine a strong cord attached to my tailbone that goes to the center of the earth and attaching itself to anything solid I can find. For me, it is the earth’s core. I wrap the cord around and around that glowing ball in the center of the earth. That is how committed I am to staying here; I ground all the way into the core of the earth!  For now, I am tethering myself here by an imaginary cord until I can find a more solid foundation for my life. It’s a place to start, until I can rebuild. With any luck, it will be something worth all this pain.

 

Be Strong, Stay Sweet!

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Becoming

Grounded: A Right to Be

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The element of the first chakra is EARTH.  Being grounded.  It is the ground that supports and nourishes you.  Without a solid foundation your temple will not be strong, without deep roots, your tree will not grow tall.

“All journeys begin with a single step.  You can only take this step by making solid contact with the earth.”

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So this journey of becoming starts at the very bottom, by going down into the earth.  The Sanskrit name for this energy center is Muladhara, which means – root support. There is the thought that you go down to rise up.  Think of what happens when you jump.  You bend your knees to gather the energy and power to  rise up.  This is the essense of the first chakra – going down to rise up.

This chakra is associated with the survival instinct and the will to live so it affects your basic health and vitality. It is also where you manifest all your creativity.  To be able to fully manifest you must be able to ground yourself and your energy into the earth.  If this chakra is in trauma (which mine is) you will find it difficult to feel safety or security.

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The truth is: I haven’t felt grounded for a long time.  For the past two years I have been living “up in my head” as my yoga instructor likes to call it.  I get that.  My head is a jumbled mess of disconnected chaos.  I am unable to connect to anything.  I am untethered.

Imbalances in Being Grounded

Some of the imbalances of the first chakra are: heaviness, sluggishness, resistance to change, workaholism, spaciness, vagueness, restlessness, overeating, overweight, anorexia, fear, anxiety, feeling disconnected from your body, restlessness, resisting structure, inability to manifest. Some of these things are polar opposites, which represent the excessive and deficient characteristic of having an imbalance here. You can have some of both at the same time.

When you are in balance, in other words, grounded, you will feel:

  • Grounded
  • Have good physical health
  • A sense of safety and security
  • Stability and solidity
  • Right livelihood
  • Prosperity
  • Ability to be still
  • Present in the here and now

Whoa!  I have some work to do.  I largely depended on my ex-husband to provide me with safety and security.  He wasn’t very good at it, physically, spiritually or emotionally, so it left me feeling insecure and threatened for the better part of our marriage.  The constant moving did not help as it kept me off-balance. I couldn’t feel settled or grounded because I was being constantly uprooted. It wasn’t all his fault.  I did not know I could provide these things for myself.  I didn’t need to rely on someone else for my own peace of mind, I had the power all along to provide myself with my own safety and security.  I didn’t know that then, but I do now.

Issues that have plagued me my whole life, overeating, weight gain, anxiety, fear, depression all stem from not having a root support to my tree.  It couldn’t grow because I was constantly being up-rooted.  I wasn’t grounded.

The Right to Be

The right of the first chakra is; the right to be here and the right to have. 

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The right to be here means being comfortable with the right to fully occupy your body and live your life, and to take up a reasonable amount of space for doing so.  If you are uncomfortable with this right, you might find yourself apologizing for just being.  Do you say you are sorry too much?  Do you find yourself apologizing for everything, including things you did not do?  Do you feel the need to apologize for existing? If so, you might need to work on being more grounded.

I struggled with almost all of these, thanks to my ex-husband! I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t apologizing for existing.  I felt so much discomfort for anything that I did that I was ALWAYS SORRY! I was even sorry for my successes!  This is NOT how our Father in Heaven wants us to see ourselves.  We should not be apologizing for being.  Along with the right to be we also have the right to make mistakes – to be human. I think having a right to be is a basic right that everyone has.  We have a right to be – without apology, for being who we are.

The only apology we ever need make is for the things we do that cause harm to ourselves or others, our mistakes and sins.  This is also known as repentance.  And repentance is different from feeling sorry for being.  repentance is a catalyst of change.  Feeling sorry for existing is shaming.  There is a difference. Otherwise, we have a right to learn and grow at our own pace.

My ex-husband shamed me for most of the things I did.  He shamed me for not being clean enough, smart enough, making small mistakes over and over, for my grammar, or the way I phrased things.  I wasn’t allowed to just BE. I had to BE what HE thought I should BE.  By his constant criticism, he taught me that he did not have the confidence in me to get it right, so I believed that too.  And because of that, I spent way too many years caring what other thought of me.  My sense of well-being didn’t come from within, it came from without. No wonder I never felt safe!

For me the first step in becoming is feeling a have a right to be-ing!

The Right to Have

The right to have begins with having what you need in order to survive, and rests on top of the right to be here.  Your right to have includes your right to have success, prosperity, time to yourself, pleasure, adventure, friends, or any number of other things.  You will know you have a problem with the right to have if you find it difficult to receive. If you have problems with money, housing, friends, or creature comforts, you may want to explore how you feel about your right to have.

Even though my husband was a good provider for our family, he lives his life in the mindset of scarcity.  No matter how much money he makes, his response to my asking for money or anything, was there wasn’t enough.  I was shamed, for the most part, for the things I needed and wanted.  Looking back, I realize that there was no reason for him to behave this way.  He could have had an attitude of being generous. There was no reason for him not to be generous. We never wanted for anything!  But his attitude portrayed an illusion of lack.  He lives having a million reasons why something cannot happen instead of finding a way to make it happen.  No wonder he is such a miserable and lonely person!

“Gratitude is the key to abundance.”

Sitting as a guidepost to the right to have is an attitude of gratitude.  Having an abundance of all that life has to offer is brought about by having a profound gratitude for what you do have!  I am sure our Father in Heaven has many blessings to pour out on our head’s if we will only show gratitude for what He has already given us.  Part of showing that gratitude is being free with what we have to bless the lives of others, especially our own families! No matter how much or how little we have, we should be generous with what we do have with those we love the most.

How to Root Your Feet into the Ground

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Luckily, many of the things I love doing are also grounding!  My inner core, my spirit, must have known all along how to heal from being so disconnected from myself because there are some things I naturally do:

  • Writing
  • Hobbies (creating)
  • Gardening

BUT there are other things I could and should be doing to help feel more grounded. I am starting to work on some of these:

  • Play more
  • Laugh more
  • Move more
  • Connect with Nature everyday
  • Exercise
  • Healthy eating
  • Yoga
  • Hiking
  • Biking

Anything that brings you closer to your basic need to be and have will help you to feel more grounded. And, of course, engaging in a yoga class will help with all of these.  I highly recommend one that teaches the principles behind it as well as the poses. I have taken yoga classes before, but I haven’t learned much from it until I got both the theory and the technique. If you want to know more about being grounded, search the internet for grounding techniques and exercises.  There are lots of them, so many that I couldn’t pick one to  recommend to you.

Nameste 

Be Sweet, Stay Strong!

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