Becoming, Trauma Recovery

It’s a Jungle Out There!

It’s been nearly 5 years since my 2nd D-day and 10 years since the first one. So many years spent healing from something I did not cause. This has been a truly life altering event for me. I was literally flung out of my nice, comfortable life into a jungle of unfamiliar territory. I might as well have been dropped in a foreign country with nothing, that might have been easier.

I have had to literally start over, very in late in my life. Here I am in my 60’s with no husband, no marketable skills, and no way to support myself at an age that most people are retiring. I do have a comfortable, and well deserved, monthly alimony check. But that is a danger all on its own. I still do not have complete freedom from being manipulated because of that money. The unfairness of it all is overwhelming, if I let my thoughts go down that rabbit hole. It’s a pity party I am all too familiar with and I do not want to attend anymore. I’ve spent too much time there. It’s time to move on. Like the Cheater always said, “It is what it is.”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the purpose of it all. Self reflection is a habit of mine. Why did this happen to me? What is the reason for it? A long time ago I learned that God doesn’t bring you to something so monumentally life altering, or earth shattering, unless He wants you to find a purpose and meaning in it. Sometimes these lessons are meant just for you, but sometimes, they are bigger than that; a chance to help others along a treacherous road that they do not know how to navigate either. I was forced onto this path of betrayal trauma without my consent, and with no way of knowing how to navigate it. I have no words to describe the horror I went through. Imagine you are dropped into a jungle with no clothes, no shelter, no food, and not even a knife, like some real life version of “Naked and Afraid.” It’s a pretty terrifying experience! Maybe I have read too many Louie L’Amour novels, maybe not. But it sure felt like I was helplessly all alone and left woefully unprepared to survive the jungle of betrayal trauma that I so unceremoniously dropped into.

I had to get my bearings, and fast! The learning curve was intense! I had no idea who to turn to, and I suddenly did not know who were my friends, and who were my foes. People I used to trust, could no longer be trusted, and I was faced with trusting people I barely knew. Everything was upside down and backwards. I had entered some alternate universe. Many people who were there to “help” me, were not helpful. So called, professionals and Church leaders alike, were not equipped to handle this any more than I was. It was difficult to know who to trust, when trust was already in very short supply. Trust, like water, is life giving. You have to trust someone, at some point, or you won’t survive. But who do you trust when your ‘truster’ is broken? In this case, I learned to find and trust people who had already been there. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, can begin to know what this is like or what to do unless they have been there. I was lucky enough to find those people. But it took me way too long!

I found Addo Recovery and Bloom for Women nearer the end of my journey. How great would it have been if I had Jessica, my therapist, at the beginning! She had already walked this road, she has been there and back, and lived to tell about it! Although she is quite a bit younger than me, she went through the same thing 7 years before me. Dr. Kevin Skinner, who runs Addo, felt the betrayal of his father, which lead him to help women like his mom. Bless him! On Addo’s website it states that 41% of married women have unfaithful spouses. That is 30 million women!

Its time for me to put on my “guide gear” and stock up on provisions! I’m ready!Know that I am getting prepared to help you navigate through this jungle! So here are a few things I have in the works; I’m writing a book, which will be published sometime around the end of 2019, and I have been busy taking classes on how to be a certified transformational and NLP life coach, and energy healer. I have learned a lot in the last year on healing. And it’s information that I haven’t even begun to share with you. So this blog is going to become a significant player in helping do just that. The hope is that eventually I will turn this into a way for me to support myself and train many of you how to do the same. All I can say is, “Stay tuned!’ A lot of exciting things are happening behind the scenes. I have been fighting going down this path for a while. I told God, “I don’t want to be the one to do this!’ I had other plans. I bet you can guess what His answer back to me was. So I am stepping forward with faith.

One thing I have learned over the past 5 years is that the number of women that this has happened to is mind boggling! Just on one facebook group I belonged to, grew from 500 women to over 6,000 in one year! And the support groups for infidelity, addiction, and betrayal are popping up like dandelions. It is truly stunning to see the sheer numbers of women in this situation! Husband’s are leaving their wives and families after decades of marriage, and they are doing it at an alarming rate. I predict that in less than 10 years time we will have an epidemic of abandoned wives and children in this country. Many of these women have no source of income and they are living on welfare. God cannot be happy with these men!

In my mind, my blog is really insignificant, or so I thought. I started it as a way to heal from everything I was going though. I had been told to keep my Cheater’s addiction quiet and not tell anyone the first time he had been caught. After the second time I couldn’t stay silent. What happened to me is so horrific and wrong on so many levels that I had to tell my story! My trauma needs a voice! Truthfully, it’s been hard for me to keep up with it at times. I don’t write as often as I should or want to, for it to be “trending.” Quite frankly, I have been more than a little busy fighting for my own life at times to even feel good enough to post anything. During the long stretches of time when I get quiet, I am in my own intense healing mode. I tend to retreat when I am hurting. So my blog gets more than a little neglected. (Although, this is my 63rd post.) Slow and steady wins the race, I suppose. However, the other day while I was doing some research for my book I searched the terms betrayal trauma, and to my surprise and shock, there was my own blog in the top 3 results! Suddenly I started to realize that my blog is making a difference! So I did a little checking on my blog stats, and here’s the thing…the statistics on my blog are more than impressive for someone who is “insignificant!” Here they are:

  • Unique Visitors 5,000+
  • Total Views 20,000+
  • Organic Followers 2000+
  • Average Monthly Views 1,000

Somebody is paying attention to what I say. Which tells me, I need to keep saying it. I don’t know where this path is going to lead me, but with God’s help I am willing enough to go down it with Him.

I follow Chump Lady. I read her book about a year ago, and now I read her blog everyday, usually first thing in the morning. It has been my lifesaver and a beacon of truth in the chaos of being chumped. She keeps me focused on a few very important truths:

  • Chumps are mighty! You are mighty! You have survived, or are surviving, being Chumped. Only the mighty live to tell about it. Wear it like a badge of honor!
  • This is not about you, it never was about you. This is about him and his character flaws.
  • Cheaters are all alike. None of them are original in what they do or say before, during, or after cheating on you.
  • Reconciliation after betrayal hardly ever works! There is a whole, Reconciliation Industrial Complex (RIC) that makes a lot of money by hooking you on “hopium.” Don’t indulge.
  • Trust that the Cheater sucks, and he will always suck no matter how many fancy cars he drives or how expensive his house is or how many trips he takes with his wifestress. You are better off without him. He WILL cheat again. It’s the law of the harvest, he reaps what he sows. Be glad your are rid of him!

You should check her out! She is the only sane voice in the jungle. Truth bombs are delivered to you without a filter on a regular basis. She saved my life and my sanity! And she is funny while she is at it! She said something the other day that stuck with me about why she does this. She does what she does to make it ok for others like her to step forward and speak out about this atrocities of betrayal. Chump Lady, True Love Scam, and others like them are making it ok to talk about being betrayed. They are changing the narrative about Cheaters. I add my voice to theirs. I am mighty and I am getting more and more mighty everyday! The jungle is calling and I must go!

Stay Sweet! Be Strong!

addiction, Books, Trauma Recovery

From Charm to Harm

41CADJglTlL.jpgWhat is narcissism? In this landmark book on understanding narcissism you will learn all you need to know about recognizing and identifying if you are a victim of narcissistic abuse.  Narcissism and addiction go hand in hand so be sure you know if you are suffering from narcissistic abuse. The good news is that men in addiction can recover from narcissim if they get serious about recovery.

From Charm to Harm: And Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

“You try to understand how another human being could psychologically terrorize you in the manner that the Narcissist you were with did to you. You loved this person and they SAID they loved you back. They participated in the relationship and it seemed like ‘normal’ reciprocation as far as them loving you back. BUT today you are looking at this relationship and wondering HOW did this turn around in such a hideous manner that you feel so lost, so confused, so broken, and disabled. What did you do wrong, why did this person that you loved unconditionally now seems to hate you and blame you and WHAT IS THE REASON? They have probably moved on very quickly and are with someone new and they are saying that they are in love and it is amazing. They are also saying that they basically had to run from YOU because you were impossible to deal with, or perhaps you have mental health issues, OR you abused them. You feel frozen in time, very vulnerable, and in shock or better yet traumatized from this and you want to dig through all of the layers and understand this so you can move on, BUT YOU JUST CAN’T SEEM TO DO SO.

Family and friends are there to support you but more than likely it is to give you a small pat on the back and say time will heal your wounds, or you HAVE to move on, OR how could you stay in this relationship for as long as you have if it was this bad. When you try to tell your story it is so incredulous that most people seem to be in shock over the allegations that you are proposing about the relationship. In turn you only feel like you are the problem and you blame yourself even more and MAYBE you start to believe that you were the problem just like that Narcissist said.

You feel like your spirit is gone and your whole belief system has been thrown out the door about life. Where do you start, how do you turn off the many negative messages? How do you reclaim your spirit and join life again? Who do you go to for the help that you need and WHY is this taking so long to get over? Every day is a struggle and you want this to stop NOW and you want to move on.

You have heard ‘things’ your Narcissist has said about you to the very people you love in your life and now they may be challenging you or questioning this from the Narcissist’s point of view. You are defending yourself when you shouldn’t have to. Again you are feeling you are the problem here and all of this has become insurmountable.

Well I totally believe you, I totally understand what you are going through and I am going to explain this abuse in a manner to educate you, as well as help you embrace this in a manner to achieve closure on your own. I am going to try to explain as much of this as I possibly can to help you get through this and achieve that “Ah Ha’ moment where you do ‘GET THIS’. I am going to do this in a manner that goes beyond the clinical definitions and put it out there in a raw manner with real definitions and explanations from the perspective of a person that has gone through this and returned back to a normal lifestyle. With each and every separate topic I am going to keep bringing you back to some of the same specific points I may have already covered in a manner that not only defines a specific situation but constantly reconnects it to the bigger picture! I will repeat and connect thoughts in each chapter because there is no real ‘rhyme or reason’ to this abuse, only the truth and facts that every target/victim of this abuse experiences the SAME thing. That is what I am trying to connect you to! Each chapter is its own separate story so you can read a chapter at a time, return and connect to a new definition that brings you back to a little more of the truth and understanding the total picture step by step.”

Order this book here.

Be Strong, Stay Sweet

chocolate cupcake warrior

The Cupcake Warrior