Write a letter telling your partner the things that you accept about your life as it is now. This doesn’t mean you agree with it or approve. It just means that you accept the way things are at this time.
Acceptance is a difficult concept. It means to acknowledge, yield, and surrender to present circumstances. To accept this I must respect your choices, become resigned to learning to live with life the way it is, not the way I want it to be.
I had learned to accept all of you, faults and all. I have loved you as unconditionally as I knew how, even when I was ignored and hurting. But accepting this, is the hardest thing I have ever done, or ever had to do. The road to acceptance is long and difficult. I feel it is more a process than a destination. I am not sure I really can accept everything that has happened to me, but really, what choice do I have? If I do not accept this, then it just hurts me further, and one thing I cannot live with is more hurt. Acceptance, by definition, comes in layers of respect, acknowledgment, yielding, surrendering, submitting, and finally, being satisfied with the outcome. So here is what I accept…
Respect is a feeling of understanding that encourages you to value someone enough to treat that person in an appropriate way. From this definition, I can truthfully express respect for you. I have loved your for more than 3 decades. I value you and respect you enough to move out of your way so that you can pursue the decisions that you have now decided to make, without input or demands from me. You are free to make your own decisions and I respect that. Learning to live with it, will be what is the most difficult for me.
I understand and respect myself enough to know that I cannot live with your current reality. I must walk away until you figure this out. I deserve to be treated better, so until that happens, if it ever does, I cannot be with you. It’s has been the most difficult thing I have ever done to put myself first and to believe my needs matter enough to meet them, no matter how difficult that is for either of us.
I respect you enough to let you make your own choices. And I respect me enough to do what I need to do for me because of your choices. I have come to accept this.
When someone acknowledges something it means they are able to recognize the existence, truth or facts of a particular situation and to express the realization that they recognize the authority and validity of the facts.
I acknowledge the truth, facts and existence of your addictive and compulsive behaviors that cause you to act out sexually in inappropriate ways. I had to acknowledge this so that I could find peace and healing for myself. I also acknowledge that you do not agree with this truth because you have not yet learned it for yourself.
I understand that when you do, finally understand, that it will be very difficult for you to accept. But, your family will be here for you to help you through that when the time comes and you are humble enough to recognize it.
I have had to come to accept this for my own sanity.
Yielding means giving into or going along with the demands, or will of another.
You have always had a very strong will. One that is very difficult to go up against. I have often said, you could convince anyone of anything you wanted them to believe. Your will has been so overpowering that I have often yielded to you just to keep the peace. It’s much easier to agree with you than to oppose you. Taking the opposite view from yours puts me in a line of fire that is more than difficult to defend or survive. So, being in opposition to you has always come with a cost. The price I have paid is losing myself, my needs, my wants, my goals and my values in life. You do not value me or respect me enough to let me be my own person. I gave up so much for you. Yielding to you has been the story of my life. You do not take opposition well. Your response to it is oppression.
Another word for yield is, to defy. I knew I could never defy you without serious consequences. So it took something very serious for me to summon the courage and strength to do that – you broke a core belief. Which is complete fidelity in marriage. However, I also believe in forgiveness and repentance. To repent means to change. So far, that hasn’t happened, so I am forced to acquiesce to you, or betray my core foundational principles. Those were my only two choices.
I cannot betray my belief system. So, for me, this choice wasn’t easy, but it was the only choice I could make. You forced me to sacrifice “us” for my core foundational principles.
I cannot yield to you. I must yield to God. I have come to accept this.
Surrender is a lot like yielding. But in this context it is yielding to a higher power, control or demands. While I cannot yield to your power, control or demands, I can surrender my all to God.
I could not surrender to you, nor could I surrender to me. Both of us are flesh and blood and we make mistakes, but Heavenly Father does not make mistakes. He can guide us perfectly through the storms and vicissitudes of life if we surrender our will to His. It became clear to me, early on, that His way was the ONLY way. My one true path. The rock of my foundation. The only way I was going to make it through this in once piece.
So I made a very critical choice – to surrender to Him. It was the best and most important thing I have ever done. The only way I could navigate this was to say, “thy will be done!”
There is no other way for me. I have come to accept this.
Submitting to these truths have been the only way for me to find peace so far. I don’t like or love any of it. But there is nothing I can do to interfere with your agency, no matter how much I wish for it. Our Heavenly Father has declared agency to be a bedrock right. We were sent to this earth to learn, by our own experience to distinguish the good from the evil. The only thing that allows that to happen is our agency, there is no other way. I cannot force you to make better choices, no matter how much I may want to do it. I can’t. So rather than be angry at you for making what are, in my opinion, the wrong choices, the best thing I can do for myself and you is to withdraw to a safe enough distance for me so that you can figure this out for yourself without causing me further damage and so that I can heal regardless of what you do or do not do.
Heavenly Father’s plan is truly merciful for both of us.
Full acceptance mean to be satisfied with the current situation. The mind is at rest, the soul is at peace. Accepting means that it will suffice for now. It is good enough.
Is my life the way I want it to be? NO! Everything I ever believed has been challenged. My life, how it was, has been taken from me, along with all of my hopes and dreams. Accepting what was done to me has been the hardest thing I have been ever asked to do. There was a time, when I believed it would be impossible! Difficult? Yes! Impossible? No. But it does take time and effort. Healing from deep wounds is never quick or easy.
But I am satisfied that, in time, I will heal. I will find peace. My mind will be at rest. And my life will be restored by the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. I have already come so far! Much farther than I ever believed I could, all because of Him, who is mighty to save!
Until then, I am satisfied that I will recover. I am satisfied that, eventually, my life will be better than I dreamed it could be. I am satisfied that God’s got this. With or without you, I will be ok.
I accept this.
The Cupcake Warrior
Stay Sweet, Be Strong!