abuse, betrayal, Emotional, healing, infidelity, Mental, Narcissist, PTSD, Self Care, Trauma Recovery

Where Focus Goes Energy Flows

Are you having obsessive thoughts? What are obessive thoughts? Why are they related to betrayal trauma? These questions, and others, will be addressed in this post to help you better understand the connection between betrayal trauma and obsessive thoughts, how to handle them, and the best ways to get past them.

Obessive thoughts happen as a result of being betrayed by your primary relationships. This is the one person you always thought you could count on for safety, love, and survival. And now you can’t. This causes a trauma so deep that it is difficult, but not impossible, to recover from it. Betrayal trauma mimics the symptoms of PTSD, and for good reason! Being betrayed by your primary attachment relationship is dvastating!

Thinking. Girl solving a problem. Conceptual image.

Dr. Randi Gunther, PhD says, “The partner who has been betrayed is emotionally tortured and humiliated when knowledge of the infidelity emerges. They are clearly in trauma and experience the same array of symptoms that professionals now describe as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Similar to any others who have suffered threats to their physical or emotional well-being and security, they are disoriented and confused by what has happened.”

Many women that I talk to have a similar experience to the quote below;

“Ever since I found out about the affair, I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I have repeated nightmares. My faith in trust and love is demolished. The person I believed in most in the world betrayed me without seeming to care. If I’d known something was wrong, maybe I could have stopped it before it got going. I spin between being devastated and being enraged. I can’t seem to find any peace, knowing that there is probably more than I will ever be told. I feel like a fool, humiliated, and broken. How could my partner do this to me?” 

Also, if the affairs and lying go on for months or years without any improvement in the behaviors of the betraying spouse it is abuse! When this abuse continues, it results in trauma bonding. It is also more than likely that the addict is exhibiting narcissistic behaviors resulting from his sex or porn addiction. Being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner is also abuse and can cause long term damage to you, and your children. It is important to name these experiences for what they are so you can reassure yourself that you are not over reacting to the affairs,ifidelity, and behaviors of your partner!

When your primary attachment relationship partner cheates on you, it is abuse! When he hides that affair from you, it is abuse! When he lies about it, it is abuse! When he continues to do it after the affair is discovered it is abuse! And when you endure this abuse over long periods of time you will likely develop betrayal trauma and PTSD. I wish someone had told me this, because had I known what was happening to me, I would have left immediately. Just the obsessive thoughts is enough to make a person feel crazy and nobody wants that!

I became aware of my obsessive thoughts very early on in my Cheaters betrayal. In the beginning it was obsessing about what he was doing, who he was with, and how I was going to help him get over his addiction. Later on, the list of things I could obess about over him grew exponentially. What is he doing? Where is he going? Who is he with now? Why did he leave me? Why didn’t he love me enough to fight for me? Why did he destroy our family? …and on and on and on, to infinity and beyond!

Why? Why? Why?

And almost always the thoughts centered on him! Not me! I was suffocating in the thoughts of him and completely ignoring me. At first I thought that thinking about him would help me. But it did not help me. It still doesn’t help me.

It is important to understand that obsessive thinking isn’t a pathological response to trauma. It is a normal response. Until you take steps to grapple with shattered assumptions and construct a story about the affair that makes sense to you, you will be prone to obsessing. In other words, obsessive thoughts may intrude throughout the process of recovery until healing is complete. But how do you heal from something that is so all encompassing and consuming?

A turning point in gaining control of my obsessive thoughts was when I was listening to a guided mediations, and the voice said, “focus goes, energy flows.” Later in the same meditation the same thought was reframed, “what you focus on grows.” A light bulb when on in my brain! I was allowing him to be the focus and center of my attention, and by doing so he was growing in power and energy in my mental and physical world. I decided then and there that this had to stop!

Energy flows where attention goes.

Compass with needle pointing the word vision with blur effect plus blue and black tones. Conceptual image for immustration of company or business anticipation or strategy

Later, in my healing journey a came across the idea that my thoughts create my reality. I became aware that what I was thinking about really had a tremendous impact on my outer world. Did I really want him and his betrayal of me to become the focus of my world. This thought process is what made me stop writing this blog as much. I knew I had to focus more on healing to be able to continue to help others heal. “Where focus goes, energy flows.”

I have to explain two things here before we begin;

  • This doesn’t mean you have to ignore all the hard emotions your are experiencing! In fact, it will be important for you to address them, so you can heal from them. I will talk about how to do that more in future posts.
  • Mastery of your thoughts takes time! So please be patient with the process. It takes a lot of work to master your mind! Do not think that you are a failure because it doesn’t happen overnight. Depending on how pervasive your trauma and abuse were, it could take years to overcome it. Don’t be discouraged by this, anything worthwhile takes practice. Healing from this is worthwhile! It will bless you and those around you for generations.

So lets get started!

Many traditional therapy modalities have great tools for overcoming obsessive thoughts, and I use, or have used, many of them. for example, journaling is very beneficial. There is much good that happens from putting all the thoughts you have down on paper, or in a blog, to get them from living in your head. Also, I loved the idea of giving myself permission to obsess for a determined amount of time, sort of like getting it out of my system! EMDR was also a lifesaver! I was so disturbed by what was going on in my inner world that I was willing to try anything to get some relief from my own mind! But in my healing journey I wanted to go deeper. I felt that I had only scratched the surface in healing with regular therapy. There had to be more! Enter energy healing

So to the list of traditional therapy tools for obsessive thought I add a few of my own;

  • Grounding – this is a great tool to get your thoughts out of your head and push all that energy down into your lower chakras, specifically the root and solar plexus, where it can be transformed into positive actions. When you take the time to ground, you will be better equiped to take action and complete tasks.
  • Get out in Nature – Along with grounding, there is something very healing about being out in nature! Take the time to just be outside. I have a patio surrounded by trees and bushes. I planted flowers in pots and it has really become a natural oasis. Sometimes I just like to sit out there and read book. (Reading is also a great way to redirect your thoughts!)
  • Meditation – Meditating is critical for developing healthier thought patterns! I meditate now for at least an hour a day. If I don’t meditate then I feel the difference. If I do mediate it helps everything else in my day go better. I have tried meditations apps that I love and work for me I like Insight Timer the best. I also use lots of free YouTube videos, here are some of the channels I subscribe to .
  • Prayer and Scripture Study – Also critical to controlling obsessive thoughts is connecting to God. It’s important to daily remind yourself what He thinks of you and wants for you in your life. There is a quote that fits perfectly to explain why this is important. “If you want to talk to God – pray, if you want God to talk to you – study your scriptures.” Nearly every single day I get an answer to an important question that I have been searching for, just by studying my scriptures.
  • Exercise – I’ve learned that there is no better way to get out of your head than to get physical. I am not a big exerciser. I don’t love it to be honest! But I have to do it, to stay in my own recovery. Everyone can find some way to physically release energy! In the process of healing I found that some of the Eastern exercise modalities where very beneficial to me and very doable. If you don’t love exercise then check into the more meditative forms of yoga, Tai Chi, and QiGong. Recently, I came across the videos of Misti Tripoli and her dance system called Body Groove. It’s exercise through dance! I used to love to dance in my life before marriage. So I thought I would go back to that time and renew an old love. This is a paid program, but you can find many free videos on YouTube to get you started. I have provided links to some of the videos I like. Even if you can’t exercise there are things you can do to get physcial. Some idea are; exercising from a chair, walking, or working with your hands in clay.
  • Affirmations – Change your thoughts, change your life! It is really true! Scripturally speaking “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” What do you think about? In the beginning of my trauma healing I would listen to affirmation videos on YouTube for hours on end. I just put my headphones in and listened while I went about my day. I listened in my car (Don’t mediate in the car while you are driving!) Affirmations are not mediations. These are positive thoughts that will help you reprogram your mind to think in a more affirmative way.
  • Gratitude – I must admit, I didn’t feel like I had much to be grateful for! The love of my life betrayed me and destroyed my family, it was hard to find gratitude! But then I learned about the energetic frequency of gratitude. It turns out that gratitude vibrates at about 900mhz and God is at 1000mhz. Gratitude is really, energetically speaking, the quickest way to get close to God, and I wanted to be close to Him more than anything. So, as the angels would have it, I found a gratitude practice. It literally fell in my lap! I know now that when things come to me, it is for a reason, so I set about doing a 28-day gratitude practice. It not only changes my thoughts, but also my outlook on life in general! Give it a try!

These are all tools that you can use for yourself without any special training. I used them when I was in the middle of my traumatic responses, I still use them today. You may find is that trauma changes you in profound ways. I cannot tell you how much it has changed me and my life! I have had to completely reinvent myself and my life, particularly how I do things on a daily basis. Many, if not most, of these tools I listed above I MUST do daily, or at a minimum, weekly to keep my mind in balance. It is imperative that you start a daily self-care routine and practice it just like you would practice as sport or musical instrument. I still have to quiet obsessive thoughts, not as much as I used to, on a regular basis. I had to come to terms with the idea that this may be my new normal. However, a life of meditation, grounding, scripture study, prayer, exercise and affirmations is not a bad thing! Being traumatized will change your life, whether those changes are for your healing or destruction is totally up to you!

Change your thoughts, Change your life!

If you find that these tools are not enough and you need more help ask to join my private facebook page Empowered Healing where I go over more in depth tools I use for healing.

Coming Soon! You can also book a session with me for one-on-one coaching. I never want you to feel like you have no place to go or no one to help you!

Stay Sweet, Be Strong!

The Cupcake Warrior

Trauma Recovery

On the Road to Indifference

Chump Lady says that the best thing you can do when you have been chumped is to get the the land of Meh just as soon as possible. Meh is not easy. Meh is hard! Meh = Indifference. It is that point in your recovery from Betrayal Trauma when you don’t think of your Cheater, either good or bad. indifference is the goal.

“Meh” — that liberating place of acceptance — is where you no longer are consumed with cheater drama. You don’t love them. You don’t hate them. You sort of pity anyone within a five-mile radius of them, but their existence doesn’t rock yours anymore. You’re Meh. Whatever.

Chump Lady

Trust That the Cheater Sucks

One of the things that keep Chumps from getting to Meh is that they do not trust that the Cheater Sucks. Chumps keep holding out hope that the Cheater will come to their senses and want their life, wife, and children back, otherwise know as, smoking “hopium.” But I thought my Cheater was “special” or “different” and worth holding out with my best hope for reconciliation. I just could not phathom that he would willingly give up his amazing family for someone who is clearly a step down. Logically, it made no sense to me. It still makes no sense! The most glowing thing he can say about his wifestress is that she is “nice” to him. Did you catch that? He is in a relationship with her because he was willing to give up his family, children, and grandchildren, and his best explaination is that she is “nice to him.” (Insert eyeroll here.) Trust that he sucks! Once I could trust that he sucks, I stepped on the Road to Indifference.

The Pick Me Dance

So I did the pick me dance way longer than I should have. I, mistakenly, thought I could win him back! I mean, I had 38 years of solid credibility! Why wouldn’t he pick me? The “Pick Me” Dance” is how the cheater gets the wife to prove to him why he should choose his wife of decades over his mistress of weeks or months. This is another piece of the infidelity puzzle I did not understand. So I danced. I danced for a long time with no success. I didn’t realize that he was never going to pick me. Once I stopped dancing the “Pick Me Dance” I step on the Road to Indifference.

No Contact

The biggest single thing I did to get on the Road to Indifference was to go No Contact. No contact is a game changer! The “no contact” rule is important for a number of reasons, most important of which is that it is an effective coping mechanism to help you move on. The “no contact” rule has certainly worked not just for me, but also for a lot of other people. In a nutshell: Without any physical reminders about your ex, you’re able to get over the breakup in a shorter span of time. The single most critical thing I did to get on the Road to Indifference was to go no contact. And I am talking about this kind of no contact, not this! Some people go no contact to get their ex back. I am not talking about that kind of no contact! I am talking about the kind of no contact with a narcissist. Make not mistake, Cheaters ARE narcissists! And being cheated on is abuse! The last thing you want to have back in your life is an unrepentent cheater. Real no contact is a game changer! Going No Contact is stepping on the Road to Indifference.

No contact is willing yourself to not engage with crazy.

Chump Lady

Maybe Taylor Swift said it best in her new song “I Forgot that You Existed.” I love that she so beautifully describes how she would have done anything for her cheater, but he was just too dense to get it. Yeah. “It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference.”

“I Forgot That You Existed” by Taylor Swift

I Forgot that You Existed

[Verse 1]
How many days did I spend thinking
‘Bout how you did me wrong, wrong, wrong?
Lived in the shade you were throwing
‘Til all of my sunshine was gone, gone, gone
And I couldn’t get away from ya
In my feelings more than Drake, so yeah
Your name on my lips, tongue-tied
Free rent, living in my mind

[Pre-Chorus]
But then something happened one magical night

[Chorus]
I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference
I forgot that you

[Verse 2]
Got out some popcorn
As soon as my rep started going down, down, down
Laughed on the school yard
As soon as I tripped up and hit the ground, ground, ground
And I would’ve stuck around for ya
Would’ve fought the whole town, so yeah
Would’ve been right there, front row
Even if nobody came to your show

[Pre-Chorus]
But you showed who you are, then one magical night

[Chorus]
I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference
I forgot that you

[Bridge]
Sent me a clear message
Taught me some hard lessons
I just forget what they were
It’s all just a blur

[Chorus]
I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
I did, I did, I did
It isn’t hate, it’s just indifference
It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference
So, yeah

I am not yet completely indifferent. But I am well on my way thanks to trusting that the Cheater Sucks, refusing to do the Pick Me Dance, and going No Contact. So what did you do to get on the Road to Indifference? Leave a comment and let me know what strategies worked best for you!

Stay Sweet, Be Strong

Note: If you don’t read Chump Lady then you should start reading her as soon as possible! Her Blog is this only thing I read that was the straight up truth, it helped get my head straight, and see what was done to me was abuse.

Becoming, My Story, Trauma Recovery

The Arrow and the Semicolon

My view on what it means to be a “good member of the Church” has drastically changed over the past 5 years. I used to be pretty uppity about the commandments and what is acceptable behavior as a follower of Christ, and what is not. It’s not that I judged others all that much. I kind of subscribed to the idea that what and how you believe is between you and God. I was, for sure, in competition with myself though. Occasionally, I would have something to think about how this person, or that one acted. I want to publicly apologize for that right now! To tell the truth, I thought my Cheater was one of the most devout people I knew. He was all about going to church every week, and making sure we all behaved a certain way, and did certain things. We said prayers as a family every night. We mostly didn’t go to the store on Sundays. We paid tithing. He frowned upon turning down callings. And swearing was off limits!

#ifitsokforjgoldenkimballitsokforme

Scripture study was hit and miss, but nobody is perfect right? Well, you can imagine my surprise when all his dirty little secrets emerged!

Up until this point, I took the counsel of David A. Bednar seriously; outward appearances are a sign of an inward commitment. I learned, the hard way, this is not always the case. The Mosaic Law was a law of outward performances, and we see how well it worked out for them. Nowadays, it’s harder to tell who is really committed to the gospel, and who isn’t. Nothing against Elder Bednar. I still believe his talk is true, but like many things in the gospel, it is nuanced. Before you get all your feathers ruffled, it’s still a favorite talk of mine! I’m just not all judgy about it anymore. I’m not going inactive so simmer down.

#thatshipsailedlongagoandIwasntonit

I’m just saying that I have mellowed a lot over the past few years. After what the Cheater did…well, I can’t top that, and I don’t want to! Murder anyone? No thanks, I’m good!

#amIright

It makes anything I do, or didn’t do, or want to do, pale by comparison. So I subscribe to the same philosophies as the Sistas in Zion. Nothing is so bad that it can be fixed, and I own my humanness.

#fixmejesus

You want to swear? Go right ahead! I might join you, if I’m in the mood. This is one reason I had purple hair for the last 5 years! It’s something the Cheater would have hated and scowled down on me with a look of contempt. I don’t care! I’ll take my purple hair and raise you your 31 affairs! Do you see why my perspective has changed? I just don’t have time or patience for the silliness of worrying about what everyone else is doing. I decided I’m going to live my life on my terms, being as real, and approachable, and transparent, and accountable as I can be. And I don’t give a flying flip which commandments you keep and which ones you don’t. I’m not keeping score! They way my life has gone, I pretty much have no opinion on your life!

Which brings me to the arrow and the semicolon…

I came across the semicolon movement not long after I attempted to take my own life and it made a profound impact on me. The idea behind it is that a semicolon is placed in a sentence at the end of a thought but the author also has another connected thought. In the semicolon movement it has come to represent a life tragedy that is devastating; but the person has the wherewithal to keep going. Their life suffered a big blow; but they were able to go on. (See what I did there?) Simply put, it means your story isn’t over yet! Beautiful!

The betrayal, and resulting trauma, was most definitely a semicolon moment on my life! My life nearly ended because of it. At the exact moment I learned about the semicolon I knew I needed to have one! The question was, how? I worried about jewelry getting lost or tarnished. I was baffled as to how to proceed. One day I was discussing it with the kids and someone mentioned a tattoo. That was it! This had to be a tattoo! But…but…but…I was overcome by all the years of teachings that my body is a temple and…and….and. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, even though I loved the idea of it! So I sat on it, and thought about it. For an entire year I rolled this idea around in my head.

Then the kids took matters into there own hands. They would gift me the tattoo for my birthday as a symbol of my new life and new beginnings. My mother’s heart was so joyful and proud of them! They encouraged me to do it, “You know you want to!”, they kidded. I really did want to!

Two days later, it was planned. We would just go ‘visit’ a tattoo parlor and see if the vibe was ok. If it felt sketchy at all, we would leave. To my surprise, and delight, the whole family came to watch! The kids and grandkids. Everyone was so encouraging and supportive. The place we went to was great and they had an appointment available right then.

It was meant to be!

#bestbirthdaypresentever

So now I have a tattoo!

#itdidnthurtthatmuch

Never in my life would I have ever imagined it. The idea was preposterous in my old life. I’m pretty sure some people who know me have had minor heart failure over it. And no, hell hasn’t frozen over, and pigs still do NOT fly! But in my new life, it fits! I designed it myself. I had to have it mean something significantly profound.

There is the semicolon in the shape of a heart. This represents that my heart has survived this! There was a time I didn’t believe it would. People really do die of a broken heart, I thought I would be one of them. My heart didn’t shatter beyond repair either. It did bleed out a little bit though, represented by the flourishes.

Then there is the arrow. I have felt since the beginning of this journey that I was a warrior. First, I was fighting for my marriage, nearly to my death. Second, then fighting so hard to recover myself from this damnable PTSD. I still fight everyday to get out of bed and live my life. It’s a choice I consciously have to make each day. Still. So when an arrow is shot from a bow, it must be pulled back to have the momentum and energy to be propelled forward. I have had to be pulled back, almost to the point of breaking, to move forward. Together, these symbols have a profound effect on me. And the fact that my children wanted me to have this is all the more significant.

Everyday, I look down at my arm and I am reminded that I MUST get up and keep fighting because I owe it to me, and I owe it to them to be more than ok with my life. They need me to be there for them. It’s sort of a promise between us, made in blood, that I have a second part to my sentence. The profoundness of a tattoo is that it was the only way this has any significance. It’s a blood pact with my children, and all the people who love me, that I will never allow someone to abuse me to the point of death again. Not ever.

And do you know what? Somehow, I think Heavenly Father is ok with that!

Be Strong, Stay Sweet!

Did you know that 60% of all women who are betrayed have suicidal thoughts?

Did you know that almost 90% of all people know someone who is close to them who has experienced betrayal?

Becoming, Trauma Recovery

It’s a Jungle Out There!

It’s been nearly 5 years since my 2nd D-day and 10 years since the first one. So many years spent healing from something I did not cause. This has been a truly life altering event for me. I was literally flung out of my nice, comfortable life into a jungle of unfamiliar territory. I might as well have been dropped in a foreign country with nothing, that might have been easier.

I have had to literally start over, very in late in my life. Here I am in my 60’s with no husband, no marketable skills, and no way to support myself at an age that most people are retiring. I do have a comfortable, and well deserved, monthly alimony check. But that is a danger all on its own. I still do not have complete freedom from being manipulated because of that money. The unfairness of it all is overwhelming, if I let my thoughts go down that rabbit hole. It’s a pity party I am all too familiar with and I do not want to attend anymore. I’ve spent too much time there. It’s time to move on. Like the Cheater always said, “It is what it is.”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the purpose of it all. Self reflection is a habit of mine. Why did this happen to me? What is the reason for it? A long time ago I learned that God doesn’t bring you to something so monumentally life altering, or earth shattering, unless He wants you to find a purpose and meaning in it. Sometimes these lessons are meant just for you, but sometimes, they are bigger than that; a chance to help others along a treacherous road that they do not know how to navigate either. I was forced onto this path of betrayal trauma without my consent, and with no way of knowing how to navigate it. I have no words to describe the horror I went through. Imagine you are dropped into a jungle with no clothes, no shelter, no food, and not even a knife, like some real life version of “Naked and Afraid.” It’s a pretty terrifying experience! Maybe I have read too many Louie L’Amour novels, maybe not. But it sure felt like I was helplessly all alone and left woefully unprepared to survive the jungle of betrayal trauma that I so unceremoniously dropped into.

I had to get my bearings, and fast! The learning curve was intense! I had no idea who to turn to, and I suddenly did not know who were my friends, and who were my foes. People I used to trust, could no longer be trusted, and I was faced with trusting people I barely knew. Everything was upside down and backwards. I had entered some alternate universe. Many people who were there to “help” me, were not helpful. So called, professionals and Church leaders alike, were not equipped to handle this any more than I was. It was difficult to know who to trust, when trust was already in very short supply. Trust, like water, is life giving. You have to trust someone, at some point, or you won’t survive. But who do you trust when your ‘truster’ is broken? In this case, I learned to find and trust people who had already been there. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, can begin to know what this is like or what to do unless they have been there. I was lucky enough to find those people. But it took me way too long!

I found Addo Recovery and Bloom for Women nearer the end of my journey. How great would it have been if I had Jessica, my therapist, at the beginning! She had already walked this road, she has been there and back, and lived to tell about it! Although she is quite a bit younger than me, she went through the same thing 7 years before me. Dr. Kevin Skinner, who runs Addo, felt the betrayal of his father, which lead him to help women like his mom. Bless him! On Addo’s website it states that 41% of married women have unfaithful spouses. That is 30 million women!

Its time for me to put on my “guide gear” and stock up on provisions! I’m ready!Know that I am getting prepared to help you navigate through this jungle! So here are a few things I have in the works; I’m writing a book, which will be published sometime around the end of 2019, and I have been busy taking classes on how to be a certified transformational and NLP life coach, and energy healer. I have learned a lot in the last year on healing. And it’s information that I haven’t even begun to share with you. So this blog is going to become a significant player in helping do just that. The hope is that eventually I will turn this into a way for me to support myself and train many of you how to do the same. All I can say is, “Stay tuned!’ A lot of exciting things are happening behind the scenes. I have been fighting going down this path for a while. I told God, “I don’t want to be the one to do this!’ I had other plans. I bet you can guess what His answer back to me was. So I am stepping forward with faith.

One thing I have learned over the past 5 years is that the number of women that this has happened to is mind boggling! Just on one facebook group I belonged to, grew from 500 women to over 6,000 in one year! And the support groups for infidelity, addiction, and betrayal are popping up like dandelions. It is truly stunning to see the sheer numbers of women in this situation! Husband’s are leaving their wives and families after decades of marriage, and they are doing it at an alarming rate. I predict that in less than 10 years time we will have an epidemic of abandoned wives and children in this country. Many of these women have no source of income and they are living on welfare. God cannot be happy with these men!

In my mind, my blog is really insignificant, or so I thought. I started it as a way to heal from everything I was going though. I had been told to keep my Cheater’s addiction quiet and not tell anyone the first time he had been caught. After the second time I couldn’t stay silent. What happened to me is so horrific and wrong on so many levels that I had to tell my story! My trauma needs a voice! Truthfully, it’s been hard for me to keep up with it at times. I don’t write as often as I should or want to, for it to be “trending.” Quite frankly, I have been more than a little busy fighting for my own life at times to even feel good enough to post anything. During the long stretches of time when I get quiet, I am in my own intense healing mode. I tend to retreat when I am hurting. So my blog gets more than a little neglected. (Although, this is my 63rd post.) Slow and steady wins the race, I suppose. However, the other day while I was doing some research for my book I searched the terms betrayal trauma, and to my surprise and shock, there was my own blog in the top 3 results! Suddenly I started to realize that my blog is making a difference! So I did a little checking on my blog stats, and here’s the thing…the statistics on my blog are more than impressive for someone who is “insignificant!” Here they are:

  • Unique Visitors 5,000+
  • Total Views 20,000+
  • Organic Followers 2000+
  • Average Monthly Views 1,000

Somebody is paying attention to what I say. Which tells me, I need to keep saying it. I don’t know where this path is going to lead me, but with God’s help I am willing enough to go down it with Him.

I follow Chump Lady. I read her book about a year ago, and now I read her blog everyday, usually first thing in the morning. It has been my lifesaver and a beacon of truth in the chaos of being chumped. She keeps me focused on a few very important truths:

  • Chumps are mighty! You are mighty! You have survived, or are surviving, being Chumped. Only the mighty live to tell about it. Wear it like a badge of honor!
  • This is not about you, it never was about you. This is about him and his character flaws.
  • Cheaters are all alike. None of them are original in what they do or say before, during, or after cheating on you.
  • Reconciliation after betrayal hardly ever works! There is a whole, Reconciliation Industrial Complex (RIC) that makes a lot of money by hooking you on “hopium.” Don’t indulge.
  • Trust that the Cheater sucks, and he will always suck no matter how many fancy cars he drives or how expensive his house is or how many trips he takes with his wifestress. You are better off without him. He WILL cheat again. It’s the law of the harvest, he reaps what he sows. Be glad your are rid of him!

You should check her out! She is the only sane voice in the jungle. Truth bombs are delivered to you without a filter on a regular basis. She saved my life and my sanity! And she is funny while she is at it! She said something the other day that stuck with me about why she does this. She does what she does to make it ok for others like her to step forward and speak out about this atrocities of betrayal. Chump Lady, True Love Scam, and others like them are making it ok to talk about being betrayed. They are changing the narrative about Cheaters. I add my voice to theirs. I am mighty and I am getting more and more mighty everyday! The jungle is calling and I must go!

Stay Sweet! Be Strong!

Becoming, Coping, My Story, Trauma Recovery

Words that Kill the Soul

I saw this posted in one of my groups on Facebook. I didn’t write it. I don’t know who wrote it.  But I feel like it needed to be shared. I am looking for the author to give them credit.

Note:  The author is Tim Lawrence. He had a blog for the longest time called “The Adversity Within”.

This post is something I have felt for a long time, but I have been clumsy in knowing how to address these words that kill the soul:

Everything Happens for a Reason

I’ve heard religious leaders say it. I’ve had friends and family say it to me. I have even said it to others before.

Never again.

It’s not until you experience a life and soul shattering grief that you come to understand how painful and harmful these words are to hear.

I had many conversations with my therapist about this. She told me, “you didn’t need this to happen to you so that you could become a better person. You were already well on your way to doing that.” I agreed with her wholeheartedly! I was already into self improvement on my own. I made New Years resolutions, I set goals, and I worked to accomplish them. I worked on myself all the time. I still do.

What is hard for me to swallow is knowing that for everyone who does rise above tragedy, there are hundreds, maybe thousands, who are destroyed by it. How close I came to being utterly destroyed by this is truly frightening! I do suffer from survivors guilt. There is a very fine line where I could have fallen into the abyss of the destroyed at any point. I still could. There is nothing special about me that predisposes me for triumph over this evil that was thrust upon me. I still feel like I barely survive each day. I may always feel that way.

This post on Facebook resonated with me so much! Every word of it is true;

Saying ‘Everything Happens For A Reason’ Hurts Grieving People Instead of Helping

“I emerge from this conversation astonished. I’ve seen this a million times before, but it still gets me every time.

I’m listening to a man tell a story. A woman he knows was in a devastating car accident; her life shattered in an instant. She now lives in a state of near-permanent pain, a paraplegic, many of her hopes stolen.

He tells of how she had been a mess before the accident, but that the tragedy had engendered positive changes in her life. That she was, as a result of this devastation, living a wonderful life.

And then he utters the words. The words that are responsible for nothing less than emotional, spiritual and psychological violence:

“Everything happens for a reason”.

That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow. That’s the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it is categorically untrue.

It is amazing to me that so many of these myths persist. These myths are nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication, and they preclude us from doing the one and only thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.

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You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve heard these countless times. You’ve probably even uttered them a few times yourself. And every single one of them needs to be annihilated.

Let me be crystal clear: if you’ve faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.

Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.

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So I’m going to repeat a few words I’ve uttered countless times; words so powerful and honest they tear at the hubris of every jackass who participates in the debasing of the grieving:

“Some things in life cannot be fixed.

They can only be carried.”

These words come from my dear friend Megan Devine, one of the only writers in the field of loss and trauma I endorse. These words are so poignant because they aim right at the pathetic platitudes our culture has come to embody on an increasingly hopeless level. Losing a child cannot be fixed. Being diagnosed with a debilitating illness cannot be fixed. Facing the betrayal of your closest confidante or a spouse cannot be fixed.

They can only be carried.

I hate to break it to you, but although devastation can lead to growth, it often doesn’t. The reality is that it often destroys lives. And the real calamity is that this happens precisely because we’ve replaced grieving with advice. With platitudes. With our absence.

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I now live an extraordinary life. I’ve been deeply blessed by the opportunities I’ve had and the radically unconventional life I’ve built for myself. Yet even with that said, I’m hardly being facetious when I say that loss has not in and of itself made me a better person. In fact, in some ways it’s hardened me.

While so much loss has made me acutely aware and empathetic of the pains of others, it has made me more insular and predisposed to hide. I have a more cynical view of human nature, and a greater impatience with those who are unfamiliar with what loss does to people.

Above all, I’ve been left with a pervasive survivor’s guilt that has haunted me all my life. This guilt is really the genesis of my hiding, self-sabotage and brokenness.

In short, my pain has never been eradicated, I’ve just learned to channel it into my work with others. I consider it a great privilege to work with others in pain, but to say that my losses somehow had to happen in order for my gifts to grow would be to trample on the memories of all those I lost too young; all those who suffered needlessly, and all those who faced the same trials I did early in life, but who did not make it.

I’m simply not going to do that. I’m not going to construct some delusional narrative fallacy for myself so that I can feel better about being alive. I’m not going to assume that God ordained me for life instead of all the others so that I could do what I do now. And I’m certainly not going to pretend that I’ve made it through simply because I was strong enough; that I became “successful” because I “took responsibility.”

There’s a lot of “take responsibility” platitudes in the personal development space, and they are largely nonsense. People tell others to take responsibility when they don’t want to understand.

Because understanding is harder than posturing. Telling someone to “take responsibility” for their loss is a form of benevolent masturbation. It’s the inverse of inspirational porn: it’s sanctimonious porn.

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Personal responsibility implies that there’s something to take responsibility for. You don’t take responsibility for being raped or losing your child. You take responsibility for how you choose to live in the wake of the horrors that confront you, but you don’t choose whether you grieve. We’re not that smart or powerful. When hell visits us, we don’t get to escape grieving.

 

This is why all the platitudes and fixes and posturing are so dangerous: in unleashing them upon those we claim to love, we deny them the right to grieve.

In so doing, we deny them the right to be human. We steal a bit of their freedom precisely when they’re standing at the intersection of their greatest fragility and despair.

No one—and I mean no one—has that authority. Though we claim it all the time.

The irony is that the only thing that even can be “responsible” amid loss is grieving.

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So if anyone tells you some form of get over it, move on, or rise above, you can let them go.

If anyone avoids you amidst loss, or pretends like it didn’t happen, or disappears from your life, you can let them go.

If anyone tells you that all is not lost, that it happened for a reason, that you’ll become better as a result of your grief, you can let them go.

Let me reiterate: all of those platitudes are bullshit.

You are not responsible to those who try to shove them down your throat. You can let them go.

I’m not saying you should. That is up to you, and only up to you. It isn’t an easy decision to make and should be made carefully. But I want you to understand that you can.

I’ve grieved many times in my life. I’ve been overwhelmed with shame and self-hatred so strong it’s nearly killed me.

The ones who helped—the only ones who helped—were those who were there. And said nothing.

In that nothingness, they did everything.

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I am here—I have lived—because they chose to love me. They loved me in their silence, in their willingness to suffer with me, alongside me, and through me. They loved me in their desire to be as uncomfortable, as destroyed, as I was, if only for a week, an hour, even just a few minutes.

Most people have no idea how utterly powerful this is.

Are there ways to find “healing” amid devastation? Yes. Can one be “transformed” by the hell life thrusts upon them? Absolutely. But it does not happen if one is not permitted to grieve. Because grief itself is not an obstacle.

The obstacles come later. The choices as to how to live; how to carry what we have lost; how to weave a new mosaic for ourselves? Those come in the wake of grief. It cannot be any other way.

Grief is woven into the fabric of the human experience. If it is not permitted to occur, its absence pillages everything that remains: the fragile, vulnerable shell you might become in the face of catastrophe.

Yet our culture has treated grief as a problem to be solved, an illness to be healed, or both. In the process, we’ve done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. As a result, when you’re faced with tragedy you usually find that you’re no longer surrounded by people, you’re surrounded by platitudes.

What to Offer Instead

When a person is devastated by grief, the last thing they need is advice. Their world has been shattered. This means that the act of inviting someone—anyone—into their world is an act of great risk. To try and fix or rationalize or wash away their pain only deepens their terror.

Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words:

“I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.”

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Note that I said with you, not for you. For implies that you’re going to do something. That is not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, to listen to them, to do everything but something is incredibly powerful.

There is no greater act than acknowledgment. And acknowledgment requires no training, no special skills, no expertise. It only requires the willingness to be present with a wounded soul, and to stay present, as long as is necessary.

Be there. Only be there. Do not leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you’re not doing anything. In fact, it -is when you feel uncomfortable and like you’re not doing anything that you must stay.

Because it is in those places—in the shadows of horror we rarely allow ourselves to enter—where the beginnings of healing are found. This healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.

Thus I beg you, I plead with you, to be one of these people.

You are more needed than you will ever know.

And when you find yourself in need of those people, find them. I guarantee they are there.

Everyone else can go.

 

Stay Sweet, Be Strong

chocolate cupcake warrior

The Cupcake Warrior

Becoming, Coping, healing, My Story, Trauma Recovery

What I Have Learned…So Far

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Wow!  It has been 4 years in November since the second d-day of my, then, husband’s addictions.  Four long, horrible, awful, painful, nightmarish, years.  Had I known then what I know now I would have done a whole lot of things differently. Most of what I learned is bad news, but it might be of use to many of you.  Maybe this list ( in no particular order) will help you navigate the labyrinth of betrayal:

  • I learned addicts cannot tell the truth. EVER! NOT.TO.SAVE.THEIR.LIFE! They won’t. If their mouth is moving, they are lying.  It is ONLY in the DOING, not the SAYING that you will know if they are truthful or not. My Ex is STILL lying, hiding, covering things up.  That is how I know he is still mired in his addiction. Truth is the opposite of addiction.
  • I learned I could not, and should not have tried, to fix him.  He is the only one who can fix himself. So far, nothing has changed with him in four years.  And it won’t change, until he has hit bottom.
  • Betrayal is the WORST thing you could ever do to your wife and children!  It would be easier for the family if the cheater died.
  • After you discover your husband’s affair(s) you will probably not function for at least a year.
  • You will probably cry everyday for at least a year.
  • Your brain will be hyjacked into an endless loop of obessing over what happened, trying to make sense of somthing that makes no sense.
  • Your survival will be the only thing you can deal with for at least a year.
  • You will forget about all of the things you used to love, i.e., reading, crafts, hobbies, friends etc.
  • Your life will never be the same, but what comes up in its place will be good.
  • You WILL be happy again!
  • You will not begin to feel anything close to “normal” for 1-2 years.
  • You will have to work at your recovery from the trauma for, probably, the rest of your life.

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  • I still cry and get triggered even though it has been 4 years since the second d-day.
  • I will never be the same.  EVER.
  • I never knew I could withstand that depth of pain and anguish.
  • I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be.
  • I never knew I could feel that much hate for another human being.
  • I never thought I would be able to forgive any of it, but with a lot of work, I have.
  • I actually feel sorry for him for what he will face on judgment day.
  • I am only in charge of me. That is the only place I have/had any control.
  • I learned I should have left him sooner.  He had no intention of fixing himself or repairing his relationship with his family, probably from day one.  (He still doesn’t.) In the end he just walked away right into another relationship without so much as a backwards glance. We were all replace.  It was easier for him, I suppose, to get a whole new family than to fix himself, or his family.
  • Being discarded like garbage is the worst feeling I have ever experienced! Nothing comes close to ever being able to describe it.  I would have rather had cancer!
  • I have learned that porn and sex addiction is an epidemic and that I am not alone, far from it!  Thousands of women join the support groups I belong to every year.
  • Support groups are invaluable! (Send me a message and I will suggest some to you.)
  • This is NOT my fault.  This was never about me.  It had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with a character flaw in him.  Cheating on your wife is not normal behavior.  I did nothing to cause it. HE made the CHOICE to cheat and that is on him.

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  • There is NOT “two sides” to this problem.  The cheater is 100% responsible for cheating.
  • He is a coward.
  • He is selfish and self serving.
  • He can never be trusted by any woman.
  • He is not safe.
  • He is full of pride and self-importance.
  • He is fake.
  • His “repentance” is not real. Yet.
  • Friends and family do not have the bandwidth to understand you, or what you are going through.  I didn’t even have the bandwidth to understand what was happening to me.  Nothing in anyone’s life experiences prepares them for this.  This is why support groups and systems are so invaluable.
  • Most people blame the wife for being cheated on, even when the research says otherwise. “Oh she must have done _______ to deserve it.”  This is nonsense!  Cheating is a character flaw of the cheater!  Period!  If he is unhappy then he divorces his wife without all the drama of cheating.
  • Wives of narcissistic abusers, cheaters, and addicts are often shunned and not supported through their betrayal trauma by their community.
  • Wives and children of cheaters are expected to just “get over it,” even when there is zero research to support this belief.
  • The grief of betrayal is worse than the grief of death and lasts a lot longer.
  • Adult children feel betrayed too, more often than not, just as much as the wife.
  • Grandchildren also feel betrayed and do not have the maturity or understanding to be able to process it. At all.
  • The whole family is harmed and suffers for a really long time. Years, or even decades.
  • I wish I would have gone “no contact” sooner. Go “no contact” as soon as you can.
  • Going “no contact” will  probably cause him to turn his abuse on his children.
  • He cannot relate to anyone in his former family with anything that resembles kindness or compassion.
  • After his betrayal I was in serious mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual danger, and I did not know it!
  • Nobody will tell you the severity of danger you are in. Mostly because most people do not know.
  • The “reconciliation culture” will tell you it’s better to reconcile with your cheater.  There is no research to support this belief. You are welcome and encouraged to reconcile once.  After that, I would say its better to move on while you still have some self-esteem, and years, left.
  • I can’t find very many successful cases of a recovering sex/porn addicts that fixed the mess he made with his family. Not enough to warrant staying in an abusive marriage with an addict.
  • Divorce is not an easier solution, but it may be the only solution.
  • When an addict says, “I don’t have an addiction,” believe them, and walk away.  There is nothing you can do if they won’t even admit they have a problem.
  • Save yourself first. You can’t save someone from drowning if you are drowning too.
  • He is responsible for his own recovery.  You are not his support system!  Do not ever put yourself in this role.
  • If it comes between choosing your own life or your spouse, choose your own life!
  • Addicts are master manipulators, gaslighters, and destroyers of those they used to claim to love.
  • Manipulation tactics are many, and go by many names: gaslighting, turning the tables, crazy-making, projection, deflection, misdirection, shaming, lying, minimizing, personal attacks, blaming, just to name a few.
  • Addicts are abusers.
  • Cheaters are abusers.
  • Keep copies of ALL evidence of his cheating, addiction, and abuse.  This means to keep all phone records, emails, pictures, screenshots, texts, and, please, keep a journal.
  • Addicts are usually narcissists too. On the other hand, narcissist are not always addicts.
  • Addicts can also be a sociopath.
  • Study, study, study, everything you can about every topic in this list! (Topics are highlighted in blue.)
  • Narcissists do not seek treatment, it is their nature to believe they do not have a problem.
  • Addicts won’t change or seek treatment unless they really want to change, or hit bottom, or are forced to change through legal means.
  • The Addict’s number one goal is self-preservation. They will sacrifice everything to cover up their secret, that includes you, and the kids.
  • The learning curve of addiction is steep and nothing in your life will prepare you for it in advance. You will have to learn about it on your own, and usually the hard way. Seek help as soon as possible!
  • Nothing about betrayal is fair.
  • Cheaters/addicts have no empathy and cannot express empathy for what they have done to you or your children.
  • Cheaters expect that you just accept that they blew up your family without any serious consequences.
  • Cheaters often say they did this to you and your children because ” THEY deserve to be happy.”
  • Cheaters and addicts are inherently selfish. Addiction is selfish.
  • Addicts don’t know how to be sincerely sorry, and will refuse to make sufficient amends for the harm they caused you.
  • Addicts do not respect anyone, mostly, because they do not respect themselves.
  • Addicts feel entitled to expect their families to forgive, forget, and just move on as if nothing happened.
  • Addicts feel entitled to lots of things they have not earned, i.e, trust, forgiveness, support, kindness, etc.
  • Addicts do not take personal responsibility for the consequences of their own choices and actions.
  • Addicts will demand that you see they are repenting and you must forgive them with zero proof they are making any changes. You are expected to believe them solely on their word.
  • Addicts expect their children to accept their affair partner or othe other woman.
  • Lawyers and the laws do not do a good job of supporting or protecting the innocent victims of cheaters and addicts.  Even your own lawyer may not be protecting your best interests.
  • Courts don’t care if a spouse, or his affair partner, is mentally or emotionally dangerous for children.  Many children do not want to see the cheating parent, but are forced to comply by the courts.
  • Cheaters, amazingly, continue to abuse and torture their spouse and/or children long after the divorce is over, with no justification.  The only way to protect yourself from this is to go “no contact.”
  • Wives with children at home cannot go completely “no contact” and are subjected to continued abuse.
  • Women are often betrayed and abused over and over by their spouse, to the point that they end up with serious emotional disorders like PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety, panic attacks, and betrayal trauma.
  • Addicts will never give you closure. (See, they cannot tell the truth.) You will never know which parts of your life are true, and which ones were lies. They would rather you suffer than to admit to what you already suspect.
  • Most people do not understand the nature of sex or porn addiction even though porn addiction effects at least 1/2 of the population.
  • Porn and sex addictions are just as harmful and dangerous as drugs, alcohol, cocaine, or meth addictions. The difference is they carry these chemicals around with them inside their body to use “on demand” and without detection, for a long time before you are even aware of it.
  • It takes 5 years to fully recover from a sex/porn addiction.  And that is if the addict is fully onboard with recovery from the beginning and committed to stick with it for the rest of his life.  Every slip or relapses sets him back at least another year.
  • Less than 1% of marriages to a cheating partner have any chance of lasting.
  • 12-Step Programs are useless for victims of betrayal trauma!  You cannot be an enabler of something you never knew existed!
  • You need a therapist/group/support system that understands betrayal trauma.
  • The only people who will understand what you are going through are people who have been there.

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  • The “other woman” (OW) did not win a prize when she “won” your husband, she just inherited all of his problems and addictions.
  • The OW is more than likely clueless and stupid and has no idea what she got herself into since all she will know about him is what he told her, and he controls the narrative where she is concerned. She will wake up eventually.
  • The OW will rarely seek out the truth about why he left his family, that is, unless she was partly responsible, then she really doesn’t care.
  • Men who cheat do not change for the OW.  It’s only a matter of time before he cheats on her too.
  • The OW doesn’t have any special gifts or magic to change him, she is NOT better than you.  She isn’t kinder, more beautiful, or something more special than you are.  She is clueless.  That is her only superpower!
  • Men who cheat do not change.  Period.  They are not that self-aware or introspective. (Remember, real recovery takes 5 years!)
  • The OW is also a cheater, and in biblical terms, she is a whore.
  • A cheater picked the OW because he could no longer fool you about his addiction/cheating, but he knows he can fool her. That is why he is with her and not with you.
  • Cheaters will choose the OW over their own children. In this case, blood is NOT thicker than water when it comes to betrayal.
  • Cheaters will walk away from their family over the OW and never look back.  Many of them give up decades of life and history with their wives and children.
  • Addicts will try to engage you in something called “the pick me dance.” This is where they will expect you to bend over backwards trying to prove that you are better than the OW and that he should pick you over her.  They will try to get you to convince them that you really want them back, all the while coming up with stupid ass reasons why you don’t. This is ridiculous and should be avoided at all costs. It is designed to drive your crazy. He wants you to act crazy so he can justify cheating on you. ” My wife is crazy, she doesn’t love me or understand me like you do!”
  • Addicts and cheaters “want their cake and eat it too!” So they will lie and hide the OW so he can keep you both for as long as possible.
  • Trauma bonding, also known as the Stockholm Syndrome, is a real thing and will cause you to want your cheater back even though you know that would be harmful to you to take him back.
  • You will miss your old life and him horribly.  But you will also come to realize that the life you thought you had with him was a total lie, so you are missing something you never really had in the first place.
  • You will come to understand that your relationship with the addict was no real relationship at all, that you were the one who did all the work to keep the relationship going.  Everything you thought you had, was very one-sided.
  • You will spend YEARS recovering from the trauma of being betrayed.
  • Betrayal trauma recovery will demand that you make a lifestyle change.
  • The karma bus ALWAYS comes to visit the Cheater and the OW.  Always. Even if it looks like he got away with everything right now.  He didn’t.
  • Porn/Sex addictions are the plague of our time and is being called a public health crises.
  • Addicts and cheaters are not original in their behaviors.  They all pretty much do and say the same crazy sh*t, as if they were all given a “cheaters handbook.” When you learn this simple fact you are free to know, for a fact. when they are lying to you.  The lies are all the same! (see your therapist for a copy of the cheaters handbook.)
  • Likewise, men in recovery will also do and say the same things, but it is a much different list and comes from a place of godly sorrow, remorse, repentance, restitution and humility.
  • You won’t have to wonder if your husband is in recovery, you will know!  And if you don’t know, then the answer is that he is NOT in recovery.
  • There is a saying that goes, “you cannot get an addict to tell you anything about his recovery, but a man in real recovery will never stop talking about it.” That is how you know.
  • Addicts in recovery don’t hide anything!  They will tell you what you want to know before you can even ask!

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I am sure there are other things I have learned, but these stand out to me right now.  It has been a very difficult learning process, but I am grateful now that I know what I know. I never believed that this could have ever happened to me. Not in a billion years! I never believed that my ex-husband could be “this kind of man.” But I am grateful to all the people who have helped me through this so far!  My children have been a tremendous support!  I love them and I will always be grateful they were old enough to see what was happening for themselves.  I am grateful for my therapists and support groups!  I am grateful for the new skills I have learned because of this. I am always going to have a special place in my heart for a Bishop who “gets it!” And I couldn’t have made it this far without my Heavenly Father who helped me navigate this awful mess and brought people and  things into my life when I needed them the most. And lastly, I am grateful for this blog and the courage that it took for me to tell my story, it has helped me sort it out and make some sense of something that just doesn’t make any sense! This has been a huge piece of my recovery of me!

Someday… I will be grateful my ex did this to me….however, today is not that day.

What have you learned in your journey of recovery? Can you add anything to this list?

Stay Strong, Be Sweet!

chocolate cupcake warrior

The Cupcake Warrior

 

 

addiction, addiction recovery, betrayal, divorce, Trauma Recovery

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

 

Can we talk frankly?  Just us girls?  I am going to tell you what to expect from your husband after you discovery your husband’s addiction or affair, otherwise known as D-day. Why? Because I didn’t get the straight scoop when I was going through this, not from anyone.  Not from my Bishop, not from my therapists, not from my family, or my friends.  Not from anybody! Nobody wants to sit you down and tell you that your husband is acting like a douche and you should seriously consider leaving.

I get it, this is one of the most gut wrenching, hard, mind bending decisions that you will EVER make in your life! This is the mother of all difficult decisions – to leave a cheating, porn addicted, sex addicted spouse – or stay.  The Church is not helpful either, it teaches you from infancy that your family is everything and you should sacrifice everything for your marriage, and rightly so.  All true, and I still believe that with all of my heart. But your Bishop is NOT ALLOWED to tell you to leave your husband! It’s something about being held responsible legally.

Heck, if my ex-husband would show up tomorrow with his hat in hand and showed me he was truly sorry and repenting with an “Alma the Younger” kind of attitude, and I could see he was in some hardcore, serious recovery, I would consider taking him back to save our family.  I would.  I know I would.  I think about it everyday.  But he is not going to do that, and I know he is not going to do that. He is so happy with his wifestress! So I don’t think dream about it much anymore. He ran off and cheated got married without a backwards glance towards me, so I got my answer, I meant nothing to him in the end. That is the ultimate example of helplessness, the choice to save my family is completely out of my hands. My family is toast because of my Ex’s choices. But what about yours?  How do you know if you should trust your addict? How do you know if you should give him, yet another, chance? How do you know that he will be serious about recovery?

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This question has plagued me like no other question in this hailstorm known as porn and sex addiction. I nearly took my own life over this question. I wanted to save my family so badly that I nearly lost my own soul in the attempt to save his, subjecting myself to two whole years of  pure torture. So how do you keep from experiencing the same devastatingly shattering heartbreak and not making the same mistakes that I did? Where is the balance between saving yourself from drowning in the depths of despair and saving your marriage and family?

Addicts are just that, addicts, and they cannot be trusted. Not even a little bit, and not for a long, long, long time.  And by the time you figure out you should not trust them anymore, you are already behind the eight ball.  Your looks are gone, you are older, chances are he has depleted your finances, mortgaged your house, he doesn’t have a job, or he is hiding what little money the two of you had left, and you are stuck with no way out and no way to support yourself and your children.  Trust me, I see this play out over and over everyday with every new post on my support group pages.  I took me a long time to figure out that my addict was just the same guy as all the other addicts, and the wonderful man I married was long gone, leaving a sad, sorry, shell of a man I never knew behind. The stories are all the same.  I want to throw up every time I hear another woman say she stayed and believed him, and he left her with nothing.  I seriously read another 10 stories just like this every.single.day. It is nauseating how trusting all these women are, and that includes me too!  I get it!  I fell for it, the same as you! If I had a dollar for everytime he said he would “do anything to get my family back,” I’d be a wealthy woman.  So that is why I want to give you some heart-to-heart advice I wish I had gotten, but never did.  You may or may not believe me, but you cannot say I didn’t tell you. What you do after this is totally up to you.

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When you discover your husband has a porn/sex addiction or he is cheating on you, now is the time for some serious tough love!  Someone told me recently that if your addict still likes you, that you are probably  doing something wrong and enabling him. Now is NOT the time to be all understanding and kind, even though every single person in your life will tell you that it is!  NO!  Do not fall for it!  You, YOU… have just been cheated on.  What you need are some serious assurances.  Do not let him turn himself into the victim by giving you the ‘you need to support me’ routine.  Ummm…no! Just no!  That is not how this scenario should go.  And if you let it go that way, you are just setting yourself (and him) up for more heartbreak. And heartbreak doesn’t even begin to describe how it feels.  Imagine your heart being ripped out of your chest and shredded in a meat grinder and then eaten, by your addict.  Yeah, it’s gruesome.  It’s still doesn’t come close to describing how awful it feels.

So here is the thing.  If all of these recovery and addiction clinics work so well, then they are keeping their success records a closely guarded secret.  I have yet to find any definitive stats on how well they work, and I have looked.  I know they are successful, I have seen some of the success in person and in stories, but to what extent?  What is the success rates, in percentages, of people who come into their programs and stay sober, long-term?  I would really like to know!  So if you know, please tell me, because I am starting to think it’s not that good, given how closely guarded a secret it is. Just guessing here.

Another thing that is worrisome to me is the number of my Sisters in my various support groups who are going on 10, 15, and 20 years with a husband who is still relapsing.  I give these wonderful, saintly, longsuffering women all my love and support, but I couldn’t do it! I refuse!!! I gave my addict 9 years and that is 4 years too many. So with hindsight being 20/20 here is what I would do, if I had to go back and do it all over again:

I would give him 1 year to get into solid recovery.  That means;

  • He is seeing his Bishop weekly
  • Going to 12 steps and has a sponsor that he is checking in with daily
  • Reading books, articles, and anything he can get his hands on, about addiction,  recovery, and betrayal trauma
  • Is in an addiction recovery program
  • And he is seeing a therapist who is trained in sex addiction
  • Lastly, his relapses are getting less, by a lot!

This list is the bare minimum.  What is as important as the list, is his attitude. His attitude should be stellar!  He should be falling all over himself to make all of it up to you, not the other way around.  And if he completes the first year successfully then, you give him another year.  If at anytime he flips back into full addiction mode (full relapse), then you need to get the hell out! Run as fast as you can, while you still can. How do you know he has flipped back into full addiction mode?  That is simple – lying.  If he is lying to you then he is not committed! Period.  Transparency is paramount.  If he is hiding…anything, he is not serious!

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And here is why I think this way:

It takes 5 years to successfully beat a porn sex addiction. Minimum. That is the one statistic that I could find!  Yes, you read that right!  5 years! That is a lot of years! Here is how my therapist broke it down for me;

In the first year they are not even sure they have an addiction, but they will go through the motions because you want and need them to.  This is where my red flag came up.  Mind would not even do this for me!  He refused.  Said he didn’t have an addiction.  If yours says this, it’s game over. You cannot fix a problem that they think does not exist.

The second year is the year they start to see some benefits to living a life of an addict in recovery.  They see their life is better, but the “buy in” still isn’t 100% there. The reason for this is because it take 2 years of sobriety for the brain to heal enough to start thinking clearly again!  The addiction kills their prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is where reason, logic, empathy, connection are housed All of these traits, and others most be present for addiction recovery.  With a brain that looks like swiss cheese, it is impossible for them to recover.  And sadly, they won’t get this part of their brain back for at least two years of solid sobrity,  and that is if there are no slips…no relapses.  This is why they need to get into recovery and stay there, because you will not see any results for at least two-three years! Every slip and relapse, sets the 2-year clock back to zero.

The third year is when their brain finally heals enough to KNOW they were an addict all along.  This is the year they finally wake up to their awful situation.  If you can survive it until year three, then you have a fighting chance! Keep going, as long as he continues to do his part. This is the year that you can finally start to have hope that your marriage and family can be saved.  Most therapist will not tell you this up front, not unless you press them, like I did.

Years 4-5 is when he finally gets it!  Whew!  He is sold on recovery and he is committed, and you will see it, loud and clear!  There is a saying that you can tell when a man is in recovery because he won’t shut up about how great his life is in recovery.  Conversely, if a man is not in recovery then you can’t get him to tell you anything about it.

Are you starting to get an idea about what you are in for?  5 years. 5 long, hard, hard,  years of crying your eyes out, and that is IF he is committed from the very beginning.  If he isn’t committed then you will suffer an additional year, for every year that he continues to slip up and relapse.  And in the meantime, your life is also slipping away from you, with no guarantees that it will get any better.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but nobody in your inner circle is going to tell you any of this.  They can’t, because they probably don’t know enough about addiction or how your husband will respond.  But you know.  Deep down inside you know. You know your husband, you know what his committment level is, you also know how determined he is, you will know all of this by how fast he gets into recovery and how hard he works at it to stay there! I can tell you all of this because I lived it, and so has every other addict’s wife.  I cannot tell you definitively when to leave him, but I can tell you how you will know when it’s time to leave.  Don’t give him decades of your life to fix this problem.  He hasn’t earned that right if he isn’t invested in fighting for you. I knew.  Deep down inside, I knew from the beginning, he wasn’t going to fight for me.  My gut was screaming at me to kick him to the curb.  He was never going to fight for me, no matter how much he said he would. In the end, nothing he said matched up to what he did.

What does “fighting for you” look like?  Well, two words…SAFETY and TRUST.  Safety means that he will make it safe for you to be in his life.  He will go out of his way to show you that you can count on his to be where he says he will be, doing what he says he is doing.  He will show you his phone when you ask, give you his passwords, delete all of his cheater accounts, he will work his recovery program and make sure you know he is doing what he promised you will do.  Over time, as he is providing you safety, it will build up trust again.  You will start to feel like you can count on him again, what he does and says will match, this is what it means to have integrity. And, if he is really good at it, he will tell you what you need to know before you ask him. This is what it means when he says he will do ANYTHING to get you back! He literally, will do ANYTHING to provide you with safety and to re-build trust.

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On the other hand, if your addict is doing any number of these things, then it is time to seriously make the hard choice to go:

  • He won’t stop cheating.  After d-day I had at least 6 more d-days as women he was cheating with came forward to tell me he was cheating on them! If you are “finding out” more cheating then he isn’t serious about recovery.
  • He won’t stop lying.  Even when I would ask him about things he knew I knew, seeing, he would lie.  He would even lie about things he didn’t need to lie about like if he was going to church or not. Addiction = lying.  Recovery =transparency.
  • He has secret phone numbers, apps, or accounts that you did not know about and you discover them much later after d-day. If he hides anything from you that is a huge red flag.
  • He won’t give you the money you need to live on.  Hiding money  or not taking care of you is a red flag that he is planning to exit.
  • He won’t take responsibility for his actions.  Being in denial about his addiction shows up in a number of manipulation techniques like, blame shifting, lying, crazymaking, gaslighting, turning the tables, or playing the victim.  You will know if this is happening because any conversation about him and his addiction will be suddenly shifted to be about you. Active addicts are experts at placing the blame on you.
  • He refuses to admit he is an addict.  If this is the case – game over.  Nobody can fix a problem if they will not even admit there is a problem.  If this happens, get an attorney and walk away.
  • He won’t take recovery seriously.  If he is only half-hearted about recovery then the likelihood that he is still cheating is very high.  he should be doing the minimum as outlined above.  If he is really serious then he will go above and beyond the minimum.
  • He will not provide safety and trust.  My Ex wouldn’t even try to do this for me.  He did everything BUT…in fact, he took it to the next level by ignoring me, he wouldn’t answer my texts to phone calls for days at a time.  Ignoring is a huge red flag, it’s just another form of hiding.
  • He refuses to do a full disclosure.  An addict should be willing to fully disclose everything he has done to you in the spirit of starting fresh with nothing to hide and no more secrets. If he won’t disclose his actions to you then he isn’t ready to give up his addiction.

Lastly, I know how hard it is to hear these things, but it is harder in the long run not to hear them.  Nothing in your life experience up until now will have ever prepared you for going through being cheated on.  It just isn’t something people talk about, much less prepare you for.  Most of the people you know, your friends, your family, your church family, will not know how to advise you.  This will be something that will make you feel hopelessly and totally alone.  It will feel like nobody knows what you are going through.  For a while you will feel untethered from everything you thought was your life.  It will take you some time to get your bearings.  This is why it is so important that you start to build yourself a support system as soon as possible. You are going to need all the help you can get.  Here is where to get started on building your support system.

The biggest thing you should try to wrap your brain around is that there is nothing you can do about your husband and his addiction, he is going to have to choose to do his own recovery work.  All you can do is to take care of you.  Focus on taking care of yourself so you will be ready for what comes next in your life.  Know this, you are not alone.  There are many other women who know and understand what you are going through.  Nothing about this is fair. The only control you have now is how you choose to respond to one of the worst injustices that anyone can experience in life.  You will have a lot of big decisions to face in the coming months and years.  Taking care of you and learning all you can about addiction will be the best way to prepare for how you will respond to the question of to stay or leave.

Stay Sweet, Be Strong!

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The Cupcake Warrior

 

 

 

 

 

abuse, betrayal, gaslighting, Narcissist, Trauma Recovery

Let’s Talk About Gaslighting; Knowing the Signs, and How to Stop It

If you have been cheated on and haven’t heard the terms “gaslighting” or “crazy-making” you are probably still very confused about some of your addict’s behaviors.  In 1938 there was a stage play, and later, a movie called “Gaslight.  The premise of both was a husband who systematically convinced his wife that she was insane by destabilizing her by de-legitimizing her memories and beliefs.  He rearranged furniture, reinvented conversations, and turned down the gas lights. When she would question what was happening around her he would deny all of it in the attempt to make her believe she was losing her mind.  Addicts, narcissist, and sociopaths all behave in the same way.  This is why the term is now to describe the behavior of addicts, manipulation, and other psychotic disorders.  Gaslighting is a real thing and it maybe happening in your relationship, especially if your husband has been found cheating on you. Chances are that you already know it has happened to you or you wouldn’t be reading this blog post.

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What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a powerful manipulation tactic used by one person in a relationship to  control the other person by making them question their reality or truth.  You might say that you would never fall for anything so sinister, and that is easy to say, however, gaslighting happens so subtlely and slowly that the damage is often already complete long before you are ever aware that you have been manipulated.

Gaslighting is a common practice for politicians, religious and business leaders, bullies, and even the media.  We can almost tolerate it in these people, we can even roll our eyes at it, but when it comes from our significant other, that is a whole other story! Gaslighting is used by the powerful against the weak to lower their self-esteem and independence, to keep them in their place, and from fighting back.  If the gaslighter is successful, their victim will be left powerless, confused, and unable to defend herself. You will truly feel that you have lost your mind! The whole point of gaslighting is to keep you from learning the truth about your husbands addiction and betrayal.

In a relationship where one spouse is cheating on the other one, gaslighting is just one of many methods employed by the cheater to cover his tracks. Gaslighting can happen in the relationship for years without detection, before, during, and after the cheating has been discovered.

How Do You Know If You Have Been Gaslighted?

There are 10 manipulation techniques used in gaslighting to successfully make you think that you are the one who is crazy so that he can continue to cheat on you without your knowledge, keep you in the dark once the affair(s) has been discovered, and continue to abuse you going forward:

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The Lies That Come in Every Shape, Color, and Size

Everyone experiences little white lies.  You know, the kind where you tell someone they don’t look bad in a dress when they really do, just to spare their feelings. That is not what I am talking about here.  Gaslighters intentionally lie and they do it without guilt or remorse.  They are able to lie to you straight to your face when they KNOW what they are saying is a bold-faced lie and that you do not believe it. These lies are designed to set a precedent for future lying.  It reminded me a lot of how Satan lies, a little truth mixed with a lie, just enough to make it believable.  A gaslighter will throw in just enough truth to make it plausible, but everyone in the room knows it’s a lie; you know it, he knows it, and he knows you know it.  Once this happens its a game changer.  From this point on you are not sure if anything else he says to you is the truth.  The purpose of this lie is to keep you off-balance, from now on, you will question everything, wonder why it’s happening, and not trust yourself, or him. Its a terrible feeling to not trust the one person who you should trust the most!

My ex-husband diabolically told me he was cheating again, just days after I had realized that I had actually begun to trust him again after his “first” affair. It took me 5 years to trust him again, and then one day he says to me, out of the clear blue sky, “You think I am cheating on you again, don’t you? You will NEVER trust me again, ever! I am tired of having to live this way, always wondering if you will ever trust me again!” I had said nothing for him to bring this up! I was immediately put between a rock and a hard place.  On the one hand I was forced to defend my honor by telling him that I did truly trust him, on the other hand he was daring me to ask him if he was cheating again so he could berate me.  I didn’t know what to say. So I said nothing.  And from this point on I was put on edge.  Later, I was to find out that he was, in fact, having another affair, and he had been doing so for at least a year! The lie was that he was calling me out as the one who had trust issues and he was daring me to confront him. The truth was that he WAS cheating again! Rather than just being honest and confessing, he decided he would call my loyalty to him into question! This is so wrong on so many levels!

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Everyone Else is the Liar

Anyone who disagrees with the gaslighter is an automatic liar.  Nobody is telling the truth…ever. And once a person has been deemed a liar anything that comes out of their mouth from then on out is a lie. This tactic is employed to isolate you from knowing the truth.  If he can convince you that everyone else is lying then you will rely on him to be the sole source of all truth. This effectively works to keep you from seeking help from people who are in a position to really help you. All of a sudden your family is a lying to you, or out to get him, or manipulating you.  You can’t believe what your Bishop is telling you, how could you listen to your therapist, your best friend has always hated him, how can you possibly believe all these liars in your life? Over time, the victim with start to believe the lies and this is dangerous for everyone, especially to herself.  It’s best to get away while you still have your wits about you. More about that later.

Once he convinces you to dismiss all the liars in your life it leaves the gaslighter with complete control over you.  Don’t fall for it! I had this happen to me so often it is difficult to come up with just one example, but this one stand out:

I had made an appointment for us to go to LifeStar.  He had agreed to go with me to get help to save our marriage.  Once we were there, he said he never agreed to go and then he did everything to discredit everyone in the clinic.  The therapists where crazy, the program wasn’t good enough, no excuse was too far-fetched make them, or me, seem crazy for making him go there.  He even convinced the therapists and members of his group that he did not have an addiction, or so he thought. The bottom line was that we were all liars and we were all ganging up on him and accusing him of being an addict when he really wasn’t one.  We were all the evil meanies! He was innocent and nobody believed him.

The only way to protect yourself from the lying is to keep good records of everything.  Don’t keep records to prove to him that he is a liar, keep the records to prove to yourself that he is a liar. He won’t believe the proof anyway.

Denial is Not a River in Egypt!

You probably have noticed that addicts are equally adept at denial as they are at lying. They will say or do something, and then turn around and flat-out deny that they ever said or did something.  And you are not immune from this bait and switch contortion.  They will also deny that you ever said or did something that you darn well know you said or did! Even when faced with concrete evidence they will find one fault or chink in the armor to discredit the whole thing.

What was the most frustrating thing for me is the denial my ex-husband had for my own motives.  I told him at every step along the way of a painful, 4-year process, that if he would get himself into recovery, come up with a plan to provide me with safety so I could trust he would not cheat on me again, and if he would get into a 12-steps program with a sponsor, and meet with his Bishop every week, that I would move back in with him.  I also told him after I filed for a divorce that if he would do these things I would be willing to stop the divorce and work on putting our marriage back together.  The last time I told him this was the day before the divorce papers were sent to the judge. I even told him after the divorce was final that if he would get his act together and do these things I would re-marry him. But he denies ALL of it!  According to him, I NEVER said those things!  Even in the presence of emails and texts to the contrary, I never said any such thing, according to him. He even went so far as to tell me that if I had said that to him that he would have done what I asked.  (Projecting all the fault and blame for it back on to me.) I even spent 9 months of his first year of marriage to his wifestress trying to convince him that I did, in fact, tell him those things!  It was a humiliation that I will not forget anytime soon.  In the end, nothing will convince him, short of being struck down by God, that I ever said I wanted him to come back.

The problem with all the denial is that as it progresses your brain is already hardwired to recognize and record patterns of behavior.  Over time, you will start to question if you are the one at fault because it has now becoming a pattern.  You will start to tell yoursef that maybe you misunderstood, forgot, mis-heard, or are just losing it. The irony is that the lies that you knew were so wrong, begin replace your own reality through the persistent and relentless denial. Couple this with what happens in the brain when betrayal trauma is present and you have the perfect storm for being caught in this manipulation with NO WAY to escape on your own.  The more I read about the gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, present in porn and sex addiction, the more I am grateful that I had the wherewithal to come out of it alive. I was truly watched over and protected in spite of my own denial from believing he could be capable of doing this to me.

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Their Walk and Their Talk Don’t Match

When your partner is an addict their walk and talk will never match.  They will say one thing and do something completely different.  As a result you will always question their motives and behavior. It keeps you off-balance and wondering what is really true. Once you are in this maze of deceit there is no why out. The more you try to make sense of it, the harder you try, the deeper into the maze you go, and the more lost you become.  They will keep telling you they want you back, and they love you, or will do anything to put your family back together, but until those words are backed up with matching actions, it is always a deadend. Always!

My ex-husband professed undying love to me so many times I lost count.  And each time I would fall for the lies only to be broadsided by another affair partner telling me that my husband was cheating on me.  This happened to me 6 times until a therapist gave me a lifeline, that I will pass on to you:

“Men have two tongues, the one in their mouth and the one on their shoes.  Ignore the one in their mouth and just watch the one on their shoes.”

In other words, don’t listen to a thing he says, only watch what he actually does! If he is serious about recovery he will do the hard work of recovery.  If he loves you he will provide you with safety, if  he really loves you he will stop cheating on you, he will stop lying to you, and he will stop gaslighting you. It really is just that simple!  This simplicity is what finally led me to file for a divorce – his talk did not match his walk. The bottom line is this, I could not make him give me what I needed and I had a responsibility to stop betraying myself, even it he wouldn’t stop betraying me.

Protect yourself from the inconsistencies by having clear, concise, and immoveable boundaries. Figure out what you need from him to make this better and ask for it.  The scary thing about boundaries is that you have to be prepared to follow through with the consequences.  So be clear about what you want and how to ask for it.  You will find out really fast if he truly loves you enough to give you what you need or if he is just hoping you will fall for his lip service.

They Attack You Personally

When a gasligher doesn’t get what he wants, when he is losing his grip on you, he will attack anything and everything that makes you…well… you.  He will attack your very identity.  He makes fun of your family, your personality, your goals, your talents, your parenting style, or anything else that is at your core being, that gives your life meaning and purpose. Little by little he will break you down by discounting anything that gives you a sense of  belonging and worth.

This is to insure that you become more and more unsure of yourself as a human being and look only to him for your self-esteem.  You are left without dignity, confidence, or even self-preservation. My ex-husband was a master at this.  He talked down to me in the most condescending and sarcastic tones, and encouraged other family members to talk to me this way as well.  He made fun of my gifts and talents to my face, while praising them in public, which was even more confusing.  I was told I was too sensitive or too passionate.  He put me down for my accomplishments and was jealous of my successes. If I ever called him out on it, his response was to tell me he was just joking and he ridiculed me for not being able to take a joke.  It was insidious.  I lived with this one for most of my marriage and he had me convinced that everyone talked to their spouse like this.  No they don’t!  It was abusive, and I endured it far too long!

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They Are Energy Vampires

Gaslighters will suck the very energy right out of you, like dementors from Harry Potter. They suck your energy through their lies, denial, manipulations, and degrading remarks. Gaslighters give you a one way ticket on the drama train. You can never relax with them because you have to constantly be on your toes, for what will surely be, their next attack.  You may find yourself in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze. This consistent state of high alert is draining on your mind and body.  It causes you to have adrenaline and cortisol overload and will eventually deplete you of all of your energy resources.  This constant state of overload will eventually cause you to develop depression, anxiety,  panic attacks, or worse. I developed adrenal fatigue because I endured this treatment for nearly 4 years straight.  I am only beginning to recover from it now.  This state of high alert is also one cause of betrayal trauma and PTSD in victims of infidelity.  It is the biggest reason to seek professional help. And if what I have already told you is not enough reasons, this should convince you.

Once you are in this state of mind it is super easy to be brainwashed by your gaslighter. You are just too tired and too drained to fight it anymore. He now has the upper hand on you and the relationship. You are tired and drained to the point that anything he does or says will set you off.  You will lash out and he will use this against you as living proof for himself, and you, that you are the crazy one! After all you are the one who is exploding every time he talks to you! At this point you will have finally been broken and beat down to the degree that you question everything in your life. It is at this point that suicidal thoughts start making sense to you.

The only way to get yourself back is to seek professional help.  Do it now!  Don’t wait!  Trust me, you will not be able to navigate the riptide of addiction, narcissistic abuse, and gaslighting without professional help from someone who if familiar with these specific issues. Please take this seriously, it is a very serious matter.  It is the life and death kind of serious. Like a real riptide, it will pull you under and drown the life right out of you.

“I am Not the Villain”

One of the hallmarks for gaslighters is they are very skilled at convincing you that they are not the Villain. Everyone and everything else around them is to blame. Blame is just something they refuse to take – for any of it!  Their excuses are full of “ifs” and “maybes.” It was the bosses fault or their calling at church was too stressful. They are too overwhelmed with life. Something bad happened in their childhood that turned them into a cheater.  And while some of this maybe true, nobody held a gun to their head and forced them to cheat on you! If they had problems they could have talked it over with you, or gone to see a therapist, or talked to their Bishop, or a friend.  There are any number of possibilities that could have happened before they crossed the line into the arms of another woman. The bottom line is they CHOSE to cheat!  And in the case of my ex-husband, he made that choice dozens of times. Once can be counted as a mistake, anything after that is a choice.  Making the choice to cheat, makes him the villain, by anyone’s standards!

The best thing you can do when he plays the “I am not the Villain in this picture” card is to be clear about what is right, and what is wrong.  Have a few statements that you know are true and just repeat them, to yourself, and him, over and over.  Don’t argue with him, it is pointless.  But be clear in your own mind about the truth and the facts. Again, keep good records.  Keep a journal (It is admissible in court too).

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“You are the One Who is Confused, Not Me”

For gaslighters confusion is the magic bullet. By keeping you in a state of confusion they will leave your reality pelted full of holes. They are stunningly gifted at convincing you that the grass is blue and the sky is green.  Everything you say, do, or remember will be called into question as being false.  Their ability to rewrite history is quite remarkable.  You might be impressed if it didn’t call everything you know into question and make you feel insane!  You didn’t say it, he didn’t say it, it didn’t happen the way you remember it, or even happen at all.  You poor pitiful thing, you are just confused.  Again, this is a tactic to keep you off-balance so that you will question everything, including yourself.  After you endure this kind of treatment over weeks, months, or even years, you will start to doubt your own mind and will stop trusting your own intuition and instincts.  Your reality gets altered to the point that you honestly believe that you must be the one who is confused.

“This is Your Problem, Not Mine”

Ah, projecting. Projecting is something that gaslighters are experts on. It’s all your fault.  You are the one with the problem, not them.  Each time you need to discuss their cheating they quickly turn it around so that suddenly you are discussing your faults, shortcomings, and flaws, not his cheating. You will be so busy defending yourself that you will have forgotten what the original discussion was ever about. You will be caught up in so much drama that you will be too exhausted to investigate what he is really doing. You may even be accused of cheating yourself! Projection is easy to spot.  He will tell you something that is so absurd that you are appalled that he even said it.  This is your cue to look at all his ridiculousness for what it really is, a confession of his own misdeeds.

This happened to me shortly after I separated from my ex-husband.  He outlandishly accused me of cheating on him!  As if! I had so many things projected on to me that it would make your head spin, so I will spare you all the ways and means he projected onto me.  Let’s just say that my ex-husband will tell anyone and everyone who will listen to him that our being divorced was my doing.  He wanted our marriage to work, but our being divorced was my fault, I filed the papers so I must have wanted to divorce him all along.  He wanted our marriage to work!  It took me two years to untangle this one with my therapist.  To this day I still have doubts that filing for a divorce was my only choice!  I only filed after I attempted suicide from all antics mention above, and elsewhere in this blog.  But even saving my life wasn’t a good enough reason to file for a divorce in his mind. Nevermind that he had cheated on me with dozens of women! (31 to be exact, that I know of! That number is all in my head too, even though I have proof of every single one of them!) I am the one who gave up on our marriage and him…whatever helps him sleep at night.

Do you see why you need a therapist?  Some of this stuff is so mindnumbingly ridiculous that you will need an expert to sort it all out.  This is truly crazy-making at it’s finest! Trust me, it will cause you to feel every bit as crazy as it sounds!

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Trading Places; The Victim Becomes the Villain

The poor picked on little cheater! He is just a misunderstood addict that is being mistreated by his horrible shrew of a wife! This is a story, or some version of it, he will tell to anyone who will listen.  The stuff he told his whores about me would singe your eyebrows!  He was the one who was mistreated and victimized by a cruel and uncaring wife.  Bah! I don’t buy what he is selling for one second and neither do the people who know the truth. He had an ideal life and he threw it all away for a fantasy.

This was, and still is, a hard one for me to swallow.  I had been the one cheated on, but suddenly I am the perpetrator in this story he made up in his head, because his version certainly doesn’t exist in reality.  As crazy as it seems, you will learn that the addict is very capable of making themselves out to be the victim.  I saw it over and over in my own relationship with my ex-husband.  I see it play out in the lives of hundreds of other women who have also been cheated on. What is even harder to swallow is how easily he could convince others he was the one who had been wronged.  Most of his family and a far too large number of our friends, his whores, and current wifestress, believed, somehow, that this was all my fault.  It is galling! It is screwing with your mind at its finest! If you are in the middle of this, then you know exactly what I am talking about. It is horrifying in its own right to be cheated on, but then to have him turn around and blame it all on you is more than any wife should ever have to bear. What this boils down to is that the addict is not capable of taking any responsibility for their actions. So you are the bad guy in their eyes and have wrong them.  It’s the only thing they can tell themselves in order to live with what they have done to so many people they should have protected.

Unfortunently, there is nothing you can do about his making you look bad to his friends and family that won’t make you look as crazy as you feel.  All you can do is to live your life with dignity and integrity while you wait for the karma bus to broadside everyone he has bamboozled. My only solace is to know God knows everything that really happened.  Eventually, the truth will come out, it always does, even if it takes until judgment day.

What Do You Do About It?

So what is the point of gaslighting?  Why do men do such a mean and insidious thing to their wives that they supposedly love?  It is simple: to protect the lie of their betrayal.  An addict will go to great lengths to protect themselves from the truth – they are addicted to sex and porn.  This truth is so disturbing to them that they will even willingly destroy the one thing they loved the most, their wife, children, and family, to protect themselves from seeing what they have really become.  Given the choices, to gaslight or get help for their problem, gaslighting has somehow become the more preferrable option in their mind.  And this, ladies, is at the heart of the evil that is pornography and sex addiction.

If you are unable to get him to come clean with the truth, then it is time to consider some serious options.  Separation is a must!  If you are not safe, and you are NOT safe if you are being gaslighted, you need to separate yourself from this form of abuse until he is ready to face the truth. Your relationship is over at this point anyway if he cannot be truthful with you.  Period. Go to stay with a friend or family member for a while until you can sort out what is happening and get your head clear.

You should get yourself into therapy with someone who is acquainted with betrayal trauma.  You will need a therapist to help you navigate this intense form of manipulation and abuse. See a therapist at least a few months before having any contact with your spouse.  Go no contact during this time.  I did not do this and I was further damaged because of it.  I honestly thought I could talk some sense into him. You can’t.  All that will happen is that you will be further traumatized. Your number one priority at this point is you.  YOU are ALL you can change. YOU are ALL you can save.  He has to do his own saving.  So give up any ideas that you will be able to save him! You can’t! You need time and space to figure out what is happening and how you will respond to this crazy-making. You can’t do that with him around.

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You should also tell people you trust what is happening to you so that you will have support and someone who can give you reality checks.  You will need them.  One thing that was hardest for me then, and even now, was that I could not wrap my brain around the idea that this man I had loved for so many years could treat me like this.  He was in a position of trust and he abused it to the point of trying to drive me mad rather than tell me the truth. You need people around you to validate that it really is a bad as it seems and that this is really happening to you.  I just couldn’t believe this was happening until other people started telling me that it was as bad as I thought it was.

This issue of sex addiction is loaded with shame.  He has already done a great job of shaming you if you are being gaslighted.  But you need to get past the shame and tell your story to the people who have earned your trust.  The more you bring this into the light and out of the darkness the better off you will be. Addiction thrives in secrecy. Refuse to keep his secrets.  He lost the right to anonymity and your protection when he cheated on you.  Why would you continue to protect someone who is doing you so much harm? Tell you story as often as you can.  It will lose its power over you and give you some control back over your own life.  Plus one thing gaslighters like to do is to publicly humiliate you and discredit you.  They can’t do that if you get out in front of the narrative first.

Get educated.  Read up on pornography and sex addiction.  You need to know what you are dealing with, and chances are that you have no idea what has happened to him, or you.  Start reading everything you can get your hands on.  The resource on this blog are a great place to start! This issue is very complicated and there is so much that you will not know or understand.  You do not know what you do not know at this point. Knowledge is power so arm yourself with the truth so you are better equipped to deal with the crap storm you find yourself in.  Nothing in your life experiences will have prepared you for what is ahead and the learning curve will be steep, but the sooner you get started, the better off you will be.

Join a support group, in person or online.  You will be amazed at how much your story is just like everyone else’s story!  I was shocked that my ex-husband was not even original in his behaviors. Cheaters are NOT creative. It is like there is some sort of  Guide for Cheaters 101 that we don’t know about. They all do and say the same shitty crap to their wives that my ex-husband said and did to me.  That is how it is so easy to know he really hasn’t changed at all!  He is still doing the same dumb shit he did 4 years ago! It’s not hard to spot the lies, deceit, and denial when you know it’s what everyone who has ever cheated has done, and is doing, to their wives as well. I belong to 3 support groups on Facebook and one in person group.  Between them, I interact with literally thousands of women who are at some stage of going through this.  (If you want to know what groups they are send me an email and I will tell you which ones to join.  He reads my blog so I don’t want him to infiltrate my safe places.) All of the stories and experiences vary in specific details, but the resulting behaviors are all the same! It is amazing, and shocking at the same time. You need to know that you are not alone.  I wouldn’t wish this sisterhood on my worst enemy, but it is good to know you are not alone when going through something so horrific.  There are women out there who do understand, too many of them, in my opinion.

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My last word on this subject is, that if you are experiencing any of these things, you are in danger. I wish someone would have told me earlier about this, I could have saved myself a lot of damage, time, energy, heartache, and money.  But like I said, I didn’t know what I didn’t know.  Don’t discount what I am telling you either.  You may think that your husband is different, he would never do this to you.  Don’t believe it for one minute as long as you are experiencing any of the above.  Right now, he is not the man you married.  It’s time you stopped acting like he is, at least until the gaslighting stops.

If you are reading this then you are strong enough to protect yourself.

Be Strong, Stay Sweet!

chocolate cupcake warrior

The Cupcake Warrior

 

 

Becoming, Emotional, healing, My Story, Spiritual, Trauma Recovery

The Deborah Principle

I had a talk with my daughter the other day that profoundly affected me. She ended up telling me that “you are not broken, you are a bad A!” It sort of shocked me into a remembrance of my former self.  I was a bad A!  At least, I used to be. I knew I needed to get back there somehow, but how? I long to be me again.  I have been on the journey of recovering and rediscovering me for four years now. Its been a long time and I haven’t felt like I was making any real progress.  Until this week…
I signed up to take a class online. The class is called “Solar Plexus Initiation.” The premise of the class is igniting the personal power of the 3rd Chakra or Solar Plexus.  This is the power center of the body.  The idea was intriguing to me because I know I have lost my power.  Some of it was stolen from me, some of it, I just relinquished.  It was a surrender of sorts, me giving up. Giving up is not who I am though.  So I thought this class might give me some ideas of how I could reclaim my power. So I looked forward to watching the class videos for week one.
1eeb23b934b23c37064c103c6cb7fd2cWeek one.  I knew this sort of transformational work would be difficult. I had no idea how hard, but I was invested, so as long as I was doing this I was going to go ALL in. My first assignment was to create an alter ego.  Someone I really wanted to be, who would show up for me, when the broken me wouldn’t cut it. I like the idea of an alter ego.  The instructor said that all of us have fears and insecurities, even celebrities.  He said that most of them have an alter ego that they can access to power-up their energy to pull off a performance. The problem with this is that I had no idea what my alter ego, could or should be?  It turns out that I have been already laying the foundation for an alter ego all along this journey. It started with my name change.  Taking back my birth name was a huge step for me, along with the decision to go by Deborah in my professional life.  Another piece to my alter ego was to think of myself as a warrior.  A champion for all betrayed women, hence, the Cupcake Warrior.  Being strong without becoming bitter, staying sweet. I never wanted this process to allow a door of anger and bitterness to open that I would be willing to walk though and never come back from. That was never an option for me, so I opted for a warrior spirit, with a kind and gentle heart. So with those two things already established I would use them as the beginning of the search for my alter ego.  The Warrior Deborah. It turns out she was emerging all along…
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With that in mind, I turned to the great and powerful Google for ideas.  The search for my alter ego had commenced.  Who knew that I knew right where she was all along? I began with a search for the meaning of the name and the story of Deborah.  I knew I was named for the Prophetess Deborah in the bible and I was very familiar with her story.  However, in the context of my current circumstances her story took on a depth I had not seen before.  I found a book online that was intriguing to me.  The Deborah Anointing, by Michelle McClean-Walters.  It’s not unusual for me to read books, but this is my first foray into mainstream Christian authors, besides C.S. Lewis.  Mostly I read LDS authors, but I wanted to know what a Deborah Anointing was. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?   I am on a quest to find me, so I went all in. I’m so glad I did.  Because in the introduction I found my alter ego.  The woman who I could count on to show up for me.  A woman who has always been there for me.  A woman I knew I could count on with unflinching faith;
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The Old Testament describes Deborah as a mighty combination of judge, intercessor, prophetess, mother of Israel, and military strategist. Deborah broke outside of her culture—not out of rebellion, but in obedience to God to set her people free.
As in biblical times God is calling today’s women to a purpose greater than themselves. The Deborah Anointing shows you that although you may have been trapped in tradition and locked into captivity by cultural and gender prejudices, (or a careless, cheating, and abusive spouse) God desires for you to break through these barriers. Now is the time to embrace the fullness of your purpose!
Whatever your sphere of influence at work, at home, or at church—will you accept the challenge to be a modern-day Deborah, stand for God, and boldly lead others to Him?
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I knew that if I could count on anyone it would be the woman who had the courage to wage warfare on Canaan in a time and place when that was NOT how women behaved, and drive Sisera to the tent of Jael who then nailed Sisera’s head to the ground in his own tent.  Gruesome, I know.  But that is the great, unwavering faith I was looking for in order to power-up my solar plexus, to light up my world, with conviction and determination strong enough to fulfill my purpose.  And at my age, I have no time to lose! I need that kind of power.
Deborah, it is. My Alter Ego.
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It wasn’t an easy choice on the surface, but it was the only logic choice in the end.  I searched, briefly, for a more mythical persona. Zena, Warrior Princess was appealing for a minute.  Or Galadriel, the Elven Princess of Middle Earth in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  But Deborah, she is REAL!  And her accomplishments are extraordinary! If you don’t know the story you can read it in Judges 4 and read the Song of Deborah in Judges 5. Deborah’s resume’ is nothing short of impressive:
She was called to be a spokeswoman for God, a prophetess
  • A mighty military strategist
  • A Judge in Israel
  • An intercessor
  • A Mother in Israel
  • She was a woman of conviction, influence and power
  • She was a great leader
  • She was a woman after God’s own heart
All the things I want to be.
Debbie is weak, afraid, anxious, betrayed, and broken.  Deborah isn’t any of those things.
Modern-day Deborahs will be able to stand for righteousness in the midst of a wicked world. The point of Deborah’s story is that it exposes the corruption of the human heart. Israel had trouble with staying the course.  Over and over they would promise to repent and then the second they were delivered they went right back to their wicked ways. That is when Deborah said, “I, Deborah, arose.” Judges 5:7.
In the times of crisis, women of God need to arise:
  1. To arise in a hostile sense means that Deborahs will confront the powers of darkness with the powers of God.
  2. To arise also means to become powerful.  Power that comes from the gifts of the Spirit – faith, healing, and miracles.
  3. To arise can be to also be a voice for the voiceless.
  4. To arise means to be true to oneself.  Take a stand. Be steadfast and immovable.

All of these things that mean to arise, to say, “I, Deborah, arose,” have been a confirmation of my purpose, to stand up and be a voice for women who have been betrayed by their husbands through pornography and sex addiction, espeically when it is not acceptable to talk about it.

The Deborah Principle is to confront the powers of darkness though the gifts of the Spirit, and to be a voice for the voiceless, by taking a stand. Sounds like a worthy purpose to me.

My purpose.

Now it is time for you to find your purpose. What is your alter ego? What is powerful enough in your life to move you to act? Here are some questions to help you figure it out:

  • What is your alter ego’s name?
  • What does it feel like to be your alter ego?
  • How does your alter ego look, or dress,  what is her body type?
  • How do you move or speak? How do you think?
  • What emotions do you feel when you are in your alter ego character?
  • What is your character summary? What is the essence of your character?
  • What is your purpose? What do you stand for?
  • What makes you really angry? If you could change something in the world for the better, what would it be?
  • What gets you inspired?
  • Do you have a theme song?
  • What is your alter ego’s back story?

Think about what you would consider if you were creating a character for a book.  Your character would need to have a belief system, moral framework, a family, friends, likes and dislikes.  Be as detailed as you can about writing down everything you would want to be if you could reinvent yourself.  This is a process that just might help you discover your true purpose in life.

This is a pretty interesting exercise, if you will take the time to do it. You don’t have to share it with anyone, unless you want to.  But it is worth at least exploring the possibilities of what you could be. Finding your alter ego means building a life that is purpose driven.  It means to show up.  It means to live mindfully. Who knows, you just might find that you can create a new life for yourself that makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning!

Leave me a note and tell me about your alter ego. How does your alter ego help you to power-up and show up in the world when you feel too broken, too weak, or too afraid?

Who do you want to be?

Be Strong, Stay Sweet

chocolate cupcake warrior

Deborah, the Cupcake Warrior

Coping, healing, meditation, Mental, Physical, Spiritual, Trauma Recovery

3 Reasons to Meditate

It’s More Than Just a Stress Reducer

Meditation came into my awareness because it was suggested to me as a way to quiet my mind and body once I found my way to Addo Recovery.  Shortly after I found out about my ex-husbands affairs my body went into such a high level of panic that I entered the ‘fight, flight and freeze response’ almost immediately, and because of his lying and gaslighting me, I stayed there for nearly two years.  I blew out my adrenals and my body was just in a constant state of panic. I was flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function, and I could not get my mind to shut up as it tried desperately to make sense of what had happened to me.

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Addo Recovery suggested I take a yoga class to learn to quiet my mind so that I could give my body a rest from the flooding of chemicals I was experiencing.  I learned that, over time, this constant state of stress was dangerous for my mind, body, and spirit. Intuitively I knew all of these things, but I did have the knowledge I needed to pursue a solution and had no idea how to make it stop. Meditation was the solution. It was a solution that was so profound that I began practicing meditation twice a day, morning and night, almost immediately.  I have been meditating daily for almost two years. In the very beginning it was the only peace I got during the day. But, over time, I learned to bring my meditative mind with me through the day, and into a peaceful, restful sleep at night, with no medication.

The reasons we meditate are as varied as the many ways there are to meditate. In America, most people are drawn to meditation to quiet the internal chatter of the brain and to reduce stress. Meditation is, indeed, a very effective stress reducer, but its benefits – sometimes mysteriously hidden – are far more plentiful.

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According to the Chopra Center for Meditation there are 3 reasons meditation is not only good for us, but it is necessary, especially for those who are suffering from betrayal trauma:

1. Because It’s Good for Our Bodies

According to Scientists gathering data on meditation have found that a consistent practice not only boosts the mind, but it also bolsters the body. Studies bear out that meditation can help reverse heart disease, reduce pain, and support the immune system, better enabling it to fight disease.

The mind-body connection between stress and disease is abundantly apparent as science is finding that meditation can lower production of the stress hormone cortisol. This means meditators are better able to adapt to stress in their lives and its common physiologic responses, which can include:

  • Heart disease
  • Osteoporosis
  • Sleep problems
  • Digestive problems
  • Depression
  • Obesity
  • Memory impairment
  • Skin conditions

2. Because It’s Good for Our Relationships

Paradoxically, while meditation helps us tune in and turn inward to our true essence, it also helps us detach from our own egos to connect with others in more meaningful ways. Couples counselors have found when they assign their clients meditation, the couples become less angry, more self-reflective, and more loving.

When we become aware of – and honor – our interconnection with other beings, we are able to recast our perspectives, see our worries in a different light, and embrace gratitude, which is the heart’s memory.

3. Because It Can Change Our Lives

In a world rife with never-ending fast fixes, crash diets, and get-rich-quick schemes, it’s nice to know there is a proven practice that really can change your life (or at least bring about dramatic effects) in just a little time each day.

Yogis and doctors both agree: meditating – even just a few minutes of deep breathing – relaxes the brain, reduces anxiety, and decreases depression. When we feel as though we can’t afford the time to meditate, the truth is we can’t afford not to.

I can attest to the deep breathing thing.  Learning to breathe deeply and properly was life saving for me.  I was so stressed out in the beginning of this journey that my resting heart rate was over 100 beats per minute.  It was as if my body thought I was running, even if I was sitting still!  I literally felt like I would climb out of my own skin.  I was jittery and nervous and I felt scared…all…the..time. This was the state of my body and mind for 2 years without a break. I even started to wear a device to measure my heart rate because my doctor was so concerned about me.  She told me that if I could just take deep breaths and count them I could lower my heart rate and calm my mind. Breath in, 1, Breathe out, 2, Breath in, 3, Breath out, 4, and so on, until you get to 10 and then start over.  After a couple of minutes of this I could lower my heart rate down to 80 beats per minute, a more acceptable rate, still too high, but better.  At least it gave me a little bit of control over my mind and body, something I desperately needed because my whole life was out of control. It helped. Breathing became a saving grace. I took a breathing timeout all day long.  Now I am so in tune with my body I recognise the signs of stress immediately and I can just take a minute to stop and breathe to bring it all back down before I spiral out of control.  But it takes practice. Everyday.
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What I can tell you is that there is no fast fix for betrayal trauma.  It will take you making some permanent changes in your lifestyle to feel good again.  There is no way around it.  So just wrap your brain around the idea that you will have to do some things differently, probably for the rest of your life.  Meditation is one of those things. But I have found that isn’t a bad thing necessarily.  I know that if I skip a day of meditating, I pay for it the next day.  Heart rate goes back up, anxiety drops by for a visit, and I quickly find myself not in a good place. So I agree, with what is at stake, we cannot afford to not meditate! I am happy to report to you that there is hope to be found, a quiet mind is possible again, and a calm body is within your reach. My resting heart rate is now somewhere between 60-70 beats per minute.  That is physical, hard evidence that mediation and deep breathing (which is part of it) works! It works for me, and it will work for you too. And the good news is that you can get started… right now, today.
You do not have to take a class to learn to meditate, although I highly recommend it in order to learn from someone who is experienced and knows how. However, YouTube is a wonderful place to get tons of guided meditations for free.  Some of my favorites are:
Jason Stevenson (has a cool Australian accent.)
Joe Tracey (his voice is very calming.)
Kenneth Soares (is Norwegian, and I like his voice, some people don’t though.)
Check them out. See if you like them, if you don’t try someone else!  It will ruin the meditation if the person you are listening to has an annoying voice.  Find one or two that work well for you to start with and explore more options.  Many of them have meditations for anxiety, letting go, fear, and sleep. You can start there. I recommend that you do the 21/90 rule.  21 days to form a new habit and 90 days to make it part of your lifestyle. Most of the meditations are 20-45 minutes. So it’s not a huge time drain. Start out small.  I will warn you though,  I have loved this so much that I now will frequently do 1-2 hour meditations. Once you are able to do well with guided mediations then you can branch out on your own. There are a lot of ways to mediate and the internet is full of good information on this topic.  Just google “beginner meditation.”
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I can give you suggestions but if this is something that interests you then it is best to go on your own journey of discovery and enlightenment. At some point I will write about my personal meditation practice, but I would rather you do you.  It will be more helpful to you and more fulfilling if you find what works for you.  For example; I really, really like Tibetan Singing Bowls, but it took me forever to find a video that I loved.  Some of them were too high-pitched for me, some of them had drum beats I couldn’t stand, others had certain Binaural Beats* that made me feel more anxious. Until one day I found one that really is perfect for me!  I love it!  But the point is, you may not love it, you may hate it, and it could cause you to hate mediating as a result because I told you that you should love it, and you really hate it.  So go find what works for you, trust me, there is something on YouTube for everyone! Find what speaks to your body, mind, and spirit. Meditating is deeply spiritual and personal. If you don’t like something, don’t give up, find something else that works better for you.  I save videos all the time that I end up deleting a week later because they just were not as good or helpful as I thought they would be.
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I usually meditate sitting up in the morning and lying down on my bed at night. At night I use mediations that are meant for sleep so I don’t feel like I am missing something if I fall asleep, because that is the point.  So do what works best for you.  That is the great thing about meditating, you don’t have to worry about getting it right, just do it.  I also mediate with my headphones on so that I can benefit from the sounds many of them use in their mediations.  Here is some information about the sound frequencies and beats.  I love the idea that different frequencies can entrain our bodies to resonate with that frequency and helps our bodies to heal.  I need all the healing I can get so I opt for the headphones. There are meditations that are meant for deep healing with the Rife Frequencies**.  Some of them get on my nerves, but I learned from reading in the comment that listening for 10 minutes a day was enough to reap the benefits.  So read the comments too, it helps to learn from others who are also in the process.
Here are some of the meditation YouTube Channels I subscribe to:
I have also found this meditation program that is not very expensive from EOC Institute. They have a list of 141 Benefits of Mediation  to show meditation is a very good thing.
I hope this will get you started on your own mediation journey.  It is something that has made a life or death difference in my life and that is not an exaggeration.  It is one reason I chose to start with sharing mediation, it is something you can do immediately and see tangible results in a matter of days, or even hours, depending on how much you do it. All I can say is try it, you’ll like it.  You will like how you feel, and it will give your mind and body a break so you can cope with the un-cope-able.
Share with me in the comments your own experiences of meditating. I’d like to know what works for you or if you have any cool tips, tricks or meditations you have discovered.
Stay Strong, Be Sweet
chocolate cupcake warrior
The Cupcake Warrior
* “Binaural Beats” is a term given to playing one sound frequency in one ear, and another sound frequency in the opposite ear, creating a two-tone effect in the mid-brain that is actually perceived to be one tone. This causes an “Entrainment” effect in the brain that has a variety of results depending on the frequency.
** These frequencies are based on the work of Royal Raymond Rife was a 20th century inventor who through frequency was able to cure many ailments of the body, including most common illnesses that we seek medical assistance for today.