What is a Cupcake Warrior?

It took me a long time to decide to write this blog.  Betrayal can be so isolating, so shaming, so devastating that it keeps many women from sharing their experiences.  When I went searching for validation and connection for my pain, it was, quite frankly, hard to find.  Understandably, no one wants to talk about it.  It’s too painful…too…raw.

I decided it was time someone changed that.  I have often heard, “be the change you want to see in the world.” So, instead of asking “WHY ME?” a little voice in my head said, “Why not you?”  I am ready to speak up and share my journey through the chaos that was created when I found out my husband was cheating on me. Not just once, but multiple times, with women online and in person.

I intend to focus on women who find out their husbands betrayed them through pornography and sexual addiction.  This type of betrayal creates a particular response in women that is similar to PTSD, or what is now know as Betrayal Trauma.  It is a serious issue and if you are suffering from it,  you will need to come to terms with the idea that you DO need help, this is not something you can overcome alone.  You will want to surround yourself with lots and lots of support.  I hope this blog can assist you with that.

Now breathe, take a deep, cleansing breath.  In, through your nose and out, through your mouth. Breathing is important and it is healing so do it…a lot…starting now!  It is going to be ok.  YOU will survive this!

But…you won’t find a pity party here! This blog is about the devastation that happens and how to HEAL from it.  My therapist tells me all the time “lean into the pain.” I want to share how it is possible to heal!  I am new in my journey, but I am far enough along that I have a few tools under my belt and some perspective.  I still don’t do it completely right, all the time, but I am working on it!  I want to share with you what it looks like to be betrayed, go through the grieving process and how to put your life back together.  It IS POSSIBLE to come out of this BETTER than you were. I didn’t believe it when I first heard it either,  and that is ok.

I will share with you the science behind addiction, what you will have to deal with, how to know when your husband is lying or has a slip, what to do about it, and how to keep your sanity!  But the most important part is sharing with you tools that work, where to find them and how to start building your support team.

I am not a professional, this blog is not meant to be a replacement for professional help.  It is a place you can come so you do not feel like you are alone!  We will cry together, heal together and hold each other up on the road back to wholeness.

I want you to share your stories with me too!  I want this to be a safe place for women who are bound together through the sisterhood of betrayal. I keep my identity private to protect the innocent victims of my family, NOT to protect my husband, but you can communicate with me via email and through comments on this blog. If you have something you want to share, shoot me an email. So if you are ready to not let this experience define you, but transform you, then you have come to the right place.

In my group, we came to refer to ourselves as the “Cupcake Warriors.” That’s because we are sweet and beautiful, inside and out.  Just the sight of us makes you smile.  We are capable women who are warm, loving, kind, talented…but we have something more…a strength and determination to fight for ourselves, our husbands, and our children, and to protect our families with the strength of fierce warriors against this terrible enemy of addiction that is spreading throughout our neighborhoods and cities. It has grown into an epidemic that touches the lives and families of almost anyone you know, but the deep shame that comes from the labels of pornography or sexual addition is keeping all these women isolated, alone and feeling completely helpless.

As “Cupcake Warriors, ” we cannot let this evil win!  It is time to stand up and be brave and “fight like a girl!”  We cannot let this experience define us or overcome us.  We are still women of great worth, we are still good, we can be happy again, and we CAN heal and be whole again. We can become better together!

cupcake

Stay Strong, Be Sweet! 

The Cupcake Warrior

2 thoughts on “What is a Cupcake Warrior?”

  1. My husband had what I would call an emotional affair with his new found 31 year old daughter. She was conceived before we met. He has known her for almost 20 + months. He in an attempt to bring us together ” one big happy family” quickly started sharing with her, the issues I was having with how he was moving too fast, my discomfort with certain situations, my anxiousness. He, I think truly, did this with the best of intentions. The problem is now she knows about our fights and issues. They want to move forward with relationship. He NOW wants me to be by his side, he went through a phase where he kept the relationship separate. My analogy is I am how do I have dinner with and visit with her/family my husband had an affair with in attempt to be one big happy family.

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    1. Dear Chris,

      First let me say how terribly sorry I am that you are in this situation, my heart truly breaks for you. Nobody should have to be betrayed! It’s double the pain when you are betrayed twice.

      I am a little confused by your situation so please forgive me for making a few assumptions in my replay to you. From what I can tell you are now married to a man who is not your daughter’s father. They met 20 months ago and now they are having an emotional affair? Please correct me if I am wrong. It appears that your husband has made your daughter his confidant in discussing your marital relationship with?

      If I am correct then honey you are not in a good place in this “relationship” with either your husband or your daughter. He has put you in an impossible situation, no matter how good his intentions are! He has no business coming between you and your daughter. Period! That is triangulation and it is a narcissist move. He had pitted your daughter against you and facilitated her betrayal of you. Not a nice move if you ask me and it’s not healthy either. If he has problems with you that is what they make therapist for! I would say his intentions are very suspect.

      You mention how uncomfortable and anxious you have been with their relationship. Trust your gut! Always trust your gut! It never lies. There is science to back this up, but your gut actually acts as a second brain. Trust it.

      Now here is where I am in the weeds on how to advise you. I do not understand what you mean about “they want to move forward with their relationship” and he expects you to “be by his side?” Does he want to stay married to you? What do they mean by “moving forward with their relationship?”

      My first reaction is not just No! But hell no! But I can be a little more helpful if I have an idea of what this looks like to you?

      One thing I am going to suggest is that you get a hold of the book, “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life!” By Tracey Shoen (it’s on my book list or you can google it) And that you should start reading her blog immediately! Google “Chump Lady,” she will help you clear the fog going on in your head. This is the best advice I ever received from anyone. Also, I suspect you may be, if I had to guess, in a relationship with a narcissist. I would learn as much as you can about narcissistic abuse. “True Love Scam” is another great blog to follow.

      I will be glad to give you some further suggestions once I have a little more information. Please know that your situations really sucks! But you will get through this. You are not alone! Too many of us have been there and we are finding ways to rebuild after betrayal, and so will you!

      Be Strong! Stay Sweet!

      Debbie.

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