Trauma Recovery, Uncategorized

Surviving Valentines Day

28a385cdfa69743e10bc96da7d9049941ce50cf481d66b56abb94ca752e1572aWhat is a trigger? Triggers evoke an overwhelming feeling of panic, fear and/or anxiety associated with a memory of a traumatic event.  Triggers can come in all sorts of packaging.  Sometimes they are smells, foods, or music.  More often than not, they are events, dates or places.  Special events that you spent with your addict can become triggers after discovering they have been cheating on you.  That restaurant you went to last year on your anniversary, the hotel you found him in bed with the other woman, or Valentines Day can all become triggers. When these triggers happen it can turn a previously happy time into feeling you would rather crawl in bed and pull the covers over your head. Triggers can be paralyzing and debilitating.  Most of my triggers feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.

One of those days for me is Valentine’s Day.

It’s good to identify your triggers in advance if at all possible.  Make a list of your most difficult triggers so you can plan how you will work through them.  The last 3 years I spent Valentine’s Day in bed, sobbing my heart out.  All I could think about was my husband spending time with other women.  And then after my divorce, it killed me to realize he was spending it with his new wife.  I never felt so alone and abandoned.  Sometimes triggers make life just SUCK!

So this year, I decided, in advance that I was not going to let Valentines Day get the best of me.  I did pretty well, until my ex decided to text me that day.  I am pretty sure he did it on purpose because the reason he gave was lame.  So be prepared for something like that to happen.  Narcs love to reach out on days like these to make sure you will feel crappy just in case you might have forgotten them.  Just be aware.

I woke up that morning determined to give myself lots of self-care and love.  Someone told me that you can be your own best love.  Like Whitney says, “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all!”

I got my nails done a few days before to look like a box of chocolates.

4234D177-3DCD-4A9B-A8EA-128169F9585A

I took an extra long bubble bath with a lit candle. Did you know you can do a self massage? I did that!  I gave myself a facial too. Then I got super dressed up in red, a power color, for a meeting I was hosting later in the day.

34D49FC2-026B-4577-878E-A997C4EF4672

After my meeting I bought myself some flowers, since I bought them myself, I got exactly what I wanted! Then I went to get a fancy cupcake at my favorite cupcake shop, Cravings. It was a cute Chocolate Covered Cinnamon Bear Cupcake.  Super Yummy!

1C54B7F6-7759-48FE-8958-F243AED06BE0

I finished out the day having dinner with my favorite people – my kids and grandkids.  And guess what?  I got through the entire day without crying! It can be done with a little planning and a lot of self-care.  Being good to yourself is the key.  Rewriting the story is critical.

1B1E5E34-B73E-4AB9-B9F8-342DF28ECB2E

You can overcome your triggers with self-care!

Stay Sweet, Be Strong

The Cupcake Warrior

cropped-silhouette-studio-designer-edition-paper-cupcake-warrior-logo3.png

addiction, Books, Trauma Recovery

From Charm to Harm

41CADJglTlL.jpgWhat is narcissism? In this landmark book on understanding narcissism you will learn all you need to know about recognizing and identifying if you are a victim of narcissistic abuse.  Narcissism and addiction go hand in hand so be sure you know if you are suffering from narcissistic abuse. The good news is that men in addiction can recover from narcissim if they get serious about recovery.

From Charm to Harm: And Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

“You try to understand how another human being could psychologically terrorize you in the manner that the Narcissist you were with did to you. You loved this person and they SAID they loved you back. They participated in the relationship and it seemed like ‘normal’ reciprocation as far as them loving you back. BUT today you are looking at this relationship and wondering HOW did this turn around in such a hideous manner that you feel so lost, so confused, so broken, and disabled. What did you do wrong, why did this person that you loved unconditionally now seems to hate you and blame you and WHAT IS THE REASON? They have probably moved on very quickly and are with someone new and they are saying that they are in love and it is amazing. They are also saying that they basically had to run from YOU because you were impossible to deal with, or perhaps you have mental health issues, OR you abused them. You feel frozen in time, very vulnerable, and in shock or better yet traumatized from this and you want to dig through all of the layers and understand this so you can move on, BUT YOU JUST CAN’T SEEM TO DO SO.

Family and friends are there to support you but more than likely it is to give you a small pat on the back and say time will heal your wounds, or you HAVE to move on, OR how could you stay in this relationship for as long as you have if it was this bad. When you try to tell your story it is so incredulous that most people seem to be in shock over the allegations that you are proposing about the relationship. In turn you only feel like you are the problem and you blame yourself even more and MAYBE you start to believe that you were the problem just like that Narcissist said.

You feel like your spirit is gone and your whole belief system has been thrown out the door about life. Where do you start, how do you turn off the many negative messages? How do you reclaim your spirit and join life again? Who do you go to for the help that you need and WHY is this taking so long to get over? Every day is a struggle and you want this to stop NOW and you want to move on.

You have heard ‘things’ your Narcissist has said about you to the very people you love in your life and now they may be challenging you or questioning this from the Narcissist’s point of view. You are defending yourself when you shouldn’t have to. Again you are feeling you are the problem here and all of this has become insurmountable.

Well I totally believe you, I totally understand what you are going through and I am going to explain this abuse in a manner to educate you, as well as help you embrace this in a manner to achieve closure on your own. I am going to try to explain as much of this as I possibly can to help you get through this and achieve that “Ah Ha’ moment where you do ‘GET THIS’. I am going to do this in a manner that goes beyond the clinical definitions and put it out there in a raw manner with real definitions and explanations from the perspective of a person that has gone through this and returned back to a normal lifestyle. With each and every separate topic I am going to keep bringing you back to some of the same specific points I may have already covered in a manner that not only defines a specific situation but constantly reconnects it to the bigger picture! I will repeat and connect thoughts in each chapter because there is no real ‘rhyme or reason’ to this abuse, only the truth and facts that every target/victim of this abuse experiences the SAME thing. That is what I am trying to connect you to! Each chapter is its own separate story so you can read a chapter at a time, return and connect to a new definition that brings you back to a little more of the truth and understanding the total picture step by step.”

Order this book here.

Be Strong, Stay Sweet

The Cupcake Warrior

cropped-silhouette-studio-designer-edition-paper-cupcake-warrior-logo3.png

Books, Trauma Recovery, Uncategorized

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life

51Ql7JitBQLUntil I read this book, I did not know I was a Chump, living in Chump Nation!  I thought I was “special” and could save my husband from himself.  If I could just come up with the right thing to say I would be able to talk some sense into him!  Not so! I am not special and my ex-husband is not any different than all the other husbands who did this to their wives.  If you need a swift kick in the butt in order to wise up, this book is for you!  I loved it. I am so much wiser for reading it.

I love that the author has been in this space where I am now!  She even calls herself Chump Lady.

Note: She uses colorful language.  If you are offended by the f-word, you might not to read this.

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life is a no-nonsense self-help guide for anyone who has ever been cheated on. Here’s advice not based on saving your relationship after infidelity—but saving your sanity.

When it comes to cheating, a lot of the attention is focused on cheaters—their unmet needs or their challenges with monogamy. But Tracy Schorn (aka Chump Lady) lampoons such blameshifting and puts the focus squarely on the-cheated-upon (chumps) and their needs. Combining solid advice that champions self-respect, along with hilarious cartoons satirizing the pomposity of cheaters, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life offers a fresh voice for chumps who want (and need) a new message about infidelity. This book will offer advice on Stupid sh*t cheaters say and how to respond, Rookie mistakes of the recently chumped and how to disarm your fears, Why chumps take the blame and how to protect yourself, and more.

Full of snark, sass, and real wisdom about how to bounce back after the gut blow of betrayal, Schorn is the friend who guides you through this nightmare and gives you hope for a better life ahead.

Stay Sweet, Be Strong!

The Cupcake Warrior

Silhouette Studio Designer Edition: Paper Cupcake Warrior Logo

 

Books, Trauma Recovery, Uncategorized

Runaway Husbands

Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal

I found this book and website from a friend on facebook.  It turns out this is a thing! Men who just decide out of the blue to run off with other women and abandon their wives and families isn’t a fluke.  I just could not believe there were so many women in my same boat.  And what’s more, there was an over abundance of these men who have addictions.  If you are new in the process of betrayal, this is the book for you! There is also a facebook support group. Come join me there.51v9n+aYMTL

Based on a study of over 400 women worldwide, Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal, is the first book to explore and offer healing strategies to women whose lives have been turned upside down by Wife Abandonment Syndrome. Wife Abandonment Syndrome is a pattern of behavior on the part of a husband who leaves his wife out-of-the-blue from what she believed was a happy marriage. Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he’d typically shown her with anger and aggression. He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated. Written by family therapist Vikki Stark who was herself affected by Wife Abandonment Syndrome, Runaway Husbands helps women understand what motivated their loving husbands to turn into uncaring strangers and provides them with the tools they need to move forward and rebuild their lives in new and unexpected ways.

Written by family therapist Vikki Stark, who herself experienced Wife Abandonment Syndrome, and chock full of stories from the women in the study, Runaway Husbands has three main goals:

•Explanations – It helps women understand how a man who appeared to be a loving husband could morph overnight into an uncaring stranger
•Strategies – It provides women with the tools they need to push through the suffering and move forward to rebuild their lives, often in new and unexpected ways.
•Prevention – It will help women who are in happy marriages learn how to safeguard their marriages and recognize warning signs that may indicate trouble.

The focus of Runaway Husbands is on helping women turn the crisis of abandonment into an opportunity for empowerment and growth. Although it describes the difficult experiences of abandoned wives in detail, it also provides tools for recovery and recounts many stories of women who fought their way to a better future.

Stay Sweet, Be Strong

The Cupcake Warrior

Silhouette Studio Designer Edition: Paper Cupcake Warrior Logo

Becoming, Uncategorized

Choose Joy

798a791149c79f075e8731734e318641--church

I am at the point in my healing where I am sick of feeling horrible. I want to stop thinking about him, what he is doing, how he is feeling, how he could do this to us.  You know what?  It doesn’t matter anymore.  I cannot change him!  He is a lost cause.  I cannot save him.  I need to stop trying.  I need to choose joy!

I came out of the crap storm relatively ok.  I still have my kids and they love me.  I still have my grandchildren in my life.  My friends and family support me.  I have the love and support of my church family.  Compared to him and what he has been left with (her), I have everything! I need to choose joy!

I need to stop focusing on losing him.  He is only one piece, and not a very good one, of a very blessed and full life.  He is not the end-all, be-all, of a my life.  He left. I need to let him. He made his choice.  I need to choose joy!  So JOY is the focus of everything I will do in 2018.  And in that spirit, my posts from here on out will be on how I am choosing to heal, things that work for me, and how I choose joy.  It’s time to move on…

 

Be Strong, Stay Sweet!

Silhouette Studio Designer Edition: Paper Cupcake Warrior Logo