These last few weeks I have been experiencing an unusually high level of anxiety and panic. I am not sure why. I have spent a great deal of time in my head trying to figure it out. I am anxious about a lot of things. I have been for the past two years. That is one of the big things my Cheater took from me – peace of mind.
I don’t know what will become of me. That is my biggest worry. Can I make it on my own? Will I heal? Am I always going to be broken? Can I ever be happy again? How do I find peace in my life when everything is in chaos? And then there is the financial piece. Don’t even get me started about how much this whole mess destroyed me financially. I. Worry. About. It. All. The. Time!
He took away my security, my hope, my peace, my joy, my safety. So much loss. And the infuriating thing about it is he does not care! 38 years of my life was devoted to this man, and he can destroy my life, walk away, and just not care. That is obvious from how he just remarried 5 months later. Is it proper to not spend even a minute mourning a 38 year marriage? I don’t know. Nothing he did, has done, or is doing makes any sense to me. But I digress.
He left me broken, shredded, and bleeding out. No wonder I am anxious and panicked. Who wouldn’t be?
My days are spent in panic. My nights are spent in panic.
When morning comes and I wake up my first thought is – I am alone. Abandoned. Then the tears come. Every damn day I cry! When will it stop? I have started to try and negate some of this by dropping to my knees in prayer. Desperate prayer. Please God help me! I cry out to find the strength to make it through the day. Most days I feel abandoned, even by God. How long must this agony go on?
I feel like my legs and feet are encased in cement blocks. It makes it so terribly hard to make it through the day.
Then I spend an hour in scripture study. And I do mean study! This is the only hour of peace I have everyday. It’s the only time that my mind doesn’t wander. That I don’t wonder about – him. When I study the scriptures I feel peace, comfort, safety. It makes so much difference I wish I could study all day. But I can’t.
The rest of my day is spent doing those things I must do interspersed with the things I need to do just to stay upright. I work at recovering from betrayal trauma all day! I work at it -HARD! It’s exhausting. Never ending. I resent needing to do this because of what someone else did to me. It isn’t fair. I did nothing to deserve this. But I am the one who has to work hard to fix it. He, of course, does nothing. Typical of a coward.
Here is what a “normal” day looks like for me:
- Wake up in tears
- Try to get out of bed, it usually takes me an hour
- Take the dog out
- I don’t eat because I am never hungry in the morning
- Study the scriptures for an hour
- Do my “dailies
- Cry again
- Then I am too exhausted to do anything else so I soak in the tub with epsom salts for 1-2 hours
- Get dressed. By now it’s noon
- Maybe I eat something and can hold it down without barfing
- Take the dog for a walk and pick up the mail
- Write in my journal
- Cry some more
- Attempt to do something productive, laundry, cleaning etc.
- Start dinner
- Eat dinner
- Watch TV with my daughter while I dread going to bed
- Go to bed and cry
Sounds great, doesn’t it? I’ve been reduced to barely existing.
The Cupcake Warrior
Be Sweet, Stay Strong