If you are friends with me on Facebook, then you know that my ex-husband got married last week. If you are not friends with me on Facebook… SURPRISE!
Are you as surprised as I am? Because he didn’t tell me or his kids. He just went off and did it. So much class, that one! Obviously he didn’t think of me or the kids or how we would take it. That makes sense, because he obviously wasn’t thinking of us when he was cheating either!
I am shocked, but not shocked. He has made soooo many poor choices over the past two years, why not another one? There are thousands of reasons why he shouldn’t have gotten married so fast. The biggest one is that he is an addict and this is a rebound! But it is my understanding that this is so typical of addicts. 1) They cannot live without someone telling them that they are ok and there is nothing wrong with them and 2) They want to prove to themselves and the world they are not the problem. “See world, I found another spouse so fast, I must not be the problem! Somebody loves me enough to marry me!”
I give it 3 months. Nobody should be surprised.
I have had so many emotions swirling around, at hurricane force, inside me this past week. I run the gambit from, relief to intense pain, similar to what I felt when I first learned of his betrayal. I am angry and sad. I feel like screaming and laughing, all at the same time. But mostly I am relieved!
He got MARRIED! What an idiot!
Eventually, I will process it all and sort it out. But for now, I am still a mess. Here is why:
Do I even need to explain why? Some things just don’t need words.
One thing stands out though – I AM FREE! This is not my problem anymore! He is not my problem anymore! He is somebody else’s problem!! I can walk away and dust my hands
feet off of him! Not my circus, not my monkeys! SHE now has to deal with his crazy! And oh man, she is in for a rude awakening when she finds out just how crazy his crazy is! I sort of feel sorry for her. Sort of. Some people are just willfully stupid and they deserve what they get. Some choice bite you in the butt because you put your butt in between the bars of the Lion’s cage! Mark my words, I will be telling you all about it before the next 3 months are over!
Now, I know, he will NEVER get his act together. He is NEVER going to change. He isn’t interested in becoming a whole person. He thinks he is just fine the way he is. So that… is that.
I also know now that I do not EVER want him back. E-V-E-R! He is no longer the man I married and he has proven that he isn’t likely to “come to himself” again in this life. At the rate he is going, he doesn’t have enough time to fix any of the things he has done. He doesn’t deserve me. I don’t want him. I really thought I would never be able to say that – but there it is. I don’t want him. He killed whatever feelings for him that I may have had. His new marriage has made all of that painfully clear. I mean nothing to him.
I have been living in my own denial. I really believed he would get his act together and come back to me! I actually believed that our 38-year marriage meant something to him and that eventually he would wake up and remember that! Addicts are not the only ones who can live in denial – victims do too. I was “denialing” it all over the place! My bad.
All those months I spent praying for him to get a clue, begging the Lord for him to see his addiction and come out of denial, begging the Lord to help put our family back together, asking for an “Alma the Younger” experience for my ex. Pfft. They were prayers that were wasted. Someone told me not to waste one more prayer on him and that it was time to pray for and focus on me. I like that. That first night after I found out about his marriage, I went to say my prayers and I seriously couldn’t think of what to pray for! I had been praying so hard for him, I had completely neglected me. I am fixing that right away! Just in the past few days my prayers have become infinitely more meaningful and peaceful. I am sure the Lord is glad He doesn’t have to listen to my incessant begging too. We are all just happier this way.
One bad feeling that has surfaced again, is feeling abandoned. I have been abandoned so much in my life by significant attachment relationships that it is hard not to feel that Heavenly Father has abandoned me too. All the old, “why did this happen to me?” questions kicked in with a vengeance. Followed quickly by, “God, do you even know I am here?” I have serious abandonment issues.
I understand the lament of Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, “O God, where art Thou?
1 O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?
4 O Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.
~Doctrine & Convenants 121
I spent almost two hours talking to my sweet Sister about my sadness and pain on Friday. She was awesome. She just listened. And she said she didn’t have any answers, but she loves me. You couldn’t ask for more! No judgment. No advice. Just listening. One of the things I told her is that I felt God has abandoned me! I feel like he is punishing me, like he thinks this is my fault somehow. I know that isn’t true, but it is how I am feeling. This is my own Gethsemane and God has withdrawn Himself from me.
And then the tender mercy came on Saturday morning as I woke up to Libby licking the tears from my eyes. I had been crying in my sleep again. That happens to me a lot. I wake up crying. Through my tears, I read a text from a long time and very dear friend. I don’t hear from her often, but when I do, it is profound. She is one of those people who just “get’s me.” She knows what I need before I even know the problem.
“I read this article this morning and felt inspired to share it with YOU. I know it’s been a hard week but please know you have friends seen and unseen praying for you. Love you soooo much.” Yet Thou Art There, Elder Neal A. Maxwell
When she says “inspired,” I know that is the truth. She studies the scriptures early in the morning and prays for guidance on who and how she can help that day. What is clear is that the Lord sent her to me with a very specific message.
I already knew this talk. I read it again and listened to the video. I read Elder Maxwell every chance I can. He is my favorite! I get my intellectual and spiritual feasting from him and Elder McConkie. Between the two of them, they come up with everything I could ever need to hear! I love these two men. They deliver the gospel, straight up, without the fluff. I don’t want to hear stories or fluff, just doctrine. I wish they were still here.
Several things Elder Maxwell said stood out:
“This same special assurance can see each of us through all the seasons and circumstances of our lives. A universal God is actually involved with our small, individual universes of experience! In the midst of His vast dominions, yet He numbers us, knows us, and loves us perfectly (see Moses 1:35; John 10:14).”
Even though he knew he had been called personally by a personal God, Enoch wrestled with feelings of personal inadequacy (see Moses 6:31). Enoch also wept over the human condition, but he was told, “Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look” (Moses 7:44). If Enoch had not looked and been spiritually informed, he would have seen the human condition in isolation from the grand reality. If God were not there, Enoch’s “Why?” would have become an unanswered scream of despair!
Significantly, the consequences of misused human agency were explained to Enoch: mortals had been given a commandment to “love one another,” yet those then had become a people “without affection” who “hate their own blood” (Moses 7:33).
At first, Enoch refused “to be comforted” (Moses 7:44). Finally, he saw God’s plan, the later coming of the Messiah in the meridian of time, and the eventual triumph of God’s purposes. Enoch saw how the throne of God features justice and mercy (see Moses 7:31).
We, too, can “refuse to be comforted.” We can wrongly charge God with that large portion of human misery which is actually caused by mortals’ failure to keep His commandments. Or, like Enoch, we can be intellectually meek enough to look and to accept the truths about God’s being there and about His personality and plans.
Macro-love with such micro-manifestations!
Without the revelations, however, the answers as to the why of our existence and the why of human suffering would elude even the best intellectual excursions:
“Behold, great and marvelous are the works of the Lord. How unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of him; and it is impossible that man should find out all his ways. And no man knoweth of his ways save it be revealed unto him; wherefore, brethren, despise not the revelations of God” (Jacob 4:8).
The ultimate human questions are really the “why” questions! The gospel is positively “brim” with answers to the “why” queries concerning human purpose. Gospel truths are the vital integrating and ordering truths, not only telling us of “things as they really are” but also “as they really will be” (Jacob 4:13).
Conscience permits the Lord to be there, whether in early warnings or final warnings. He gives us a flash of insight or a twinge of remembrance, pulling us back from a precipice or prompting us to do good. Conscience can warn that we are only falling further behind by insisting on getting even. Conscience warns us not to sink our cleats too deeply in mortal turf, which is so dangerously artificial.
In a hundred ways, Deity will always be there, just as Enoch testified, including in our suffering.
Wives and husbands whose lives are shattered by the betrayal of a deserting spouse may feel forsaken or drenched by injustice. Yet they, too, can know, “Thou art there,” by responding to Jesus’ invitation, “Come unto me, all ye that … are heavy laden” (Matt. 11:28).
To those of you who so suffer and who, nevertheless, so endure and so testify by the eloquence of your examples, we salute you in Christ! Please forgive those of us who clumsily try to comfort you. We know from whence your true comfort comes. God’s “bosom” is there to be leaned upon.
Jesus’ promised peace is a special form of rest amid unrest. Even when other things are in commotion, His disciples can still stand (see D&C 45:26, 32). His disciples know the Lord is there in latter-days. “I am he who led the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt; and my arm is stretched out in the last days, to save my people Israel” (D&C 136:22).
We can confidently cast our cares upon the Lord because, through the agonizing events of Gethsemane and Calvary, atoning Jesus is already familiar with our sins, sicknesses, and sorrows (see 1 Pet. 5:7; 2 Ne. 9:21; Alma 7:11–12). He can carry them now because He has successfully carried them before (see 2 Ne. 9:8)!
Yes! He is there! Even when you cannot hear Him yourself, He sends his comfort through the words and deeds of others. Oh how grateful I am for righteous and faithful friends! Thank you for this tender mercy. God does know I am here and he hears me!
UPDATE: It turns out that the Ex was cheating on the new spouse before he married her! He was cheating with another woman even several days after he got married. How do I know this? The woman he was cheating with contacted me because she read this blog! Yep! He cheats on his new wife. This should be interesting. Where’s the popcorn??
Stay Sweet, Be strong!