Tomorrow is it two years to the day that I learned my husband was having multi-affairs online.
Remembering this day fills my heart with pain so intense that it feels like my heart is in a vise grip. Just typing this is giving me a full-blown panic attack. Heart pounding, hyperventilating, and hot tears forming in my eyes. I still can’t believe this is my life. I had to file for a divorce I never wanted because he would not or could not choose me over his addiction.
The choice of my heart will not choose me. At this point, I shouldn’t care. Why should I?
Nevermind that my Patriarchal Blessing practically describes him, our courtship, family life, and marriage. It might as well have his name written there.
When I was engaged to him, my parents, especially my mother, did want me to marry him. (They listened to gossip about him from his teenage goofiness.) After having another argument with my mom over marrying him, I asked her if she had prayed about it. She had not. I told her I didn’t want to talk about this until she prayed about it. A few days later she came to me with a strange question, “What does his mother look like?” His Mom died when he was sixteen so I never met her, but I had seen pictures of her. I described her to my mom. It was then that the tears started. My mom then told me that his mother had appeared to her in a dream and told her that she had “hand picked” me for her son and then she asked my mom to please allow me to marry him. So you see. I can’t say this was a mistake. Our love. Our marriage. It was meant to be! It was not a mistake. Remembering this brings a flood of tears to my eyes. My heart can hardly stand the pain!
This is why I pray every night that my Cheater will have a mighty change of heart. It is excruciating to be so helpless over the choices of another person. Especially one you love so much. I can do nothing. Just pray. So I pray he will finally come back to himself and then come back to me.
“Therefore, repentance means more than simply a reformation of behavior. Many men and women in the world demonstrate great willpower and self-discipline in overcoming bad habits and the weaknesses of the flesh. Yet at the same time they give no thought to the Master, sometimes even openly rejecting Him. Such changes of behavior, even if in a positive direction, do not constitute true repentance.” Ezra Taft Benson
I believe in miracles. I really do. But sitting here, two years later, the miracle seems to be so far out of reach.
This week I learned that he isn’t even going to church now. The Bishop hasn’t even heard of him. In a strange way, this is somewhat comforting to me. He has lead me to believe that he was working to repent and get back in the church so he could move on with his new girlfriend. It hurt me so badly to know he didn’t want to change for me. After spending 37 years of our lives together, he couldn’t be bothered to make any changes for me. That hurts. I guess he doesn’t want to change for her either.
This is an important lesson for me.
It’s not about me.
It’s about him.
The kind of change that needs to happen in his heart to make him a new man must come from within. He can’t do it for me. He can’t do it for our kids or grandkids. He can’t do it for her or for any other person. He has to do it for the Savior. He has to do it for himself. A mighty change of heart happens with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It can happen in no other way.
I have been praying for this for two years.
I guess I will just keep praying.
7 Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word; yea, they were encircled about by the bands of death, and the chains of hell, and an everlasting destruction did await them.
9 And again I ask, were the bands of death broken, and the chains of hell which encircled them about, were they loosed? I say unto you, Yea, they were loosed, and their souls did expand, and they did sing redeeming love. And I say unto you that they are saved.
10 And now I ask of you on what conditions are they saved? Yea, what grounds had they to hope for salvation? What is the cause of their being loosed from the bands of death, yea, and also the chains of hell?
11 Behold, I can tell you—did not my father Alma believe in the words which were delivered by the mouth of Abinadi? And was he not a holy prophet? Did he not speak the words of God, and my father Alma believe them?
13 And behold, he preached the word unto your fathers, and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God. And behold, they were faithful until the end; therefore they were saved.
14 And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?
15 Do ye exercise faith in the redemption of him who created you? Do you look forward with an eye of faith, and view this mortal body raised in immortality, and this corruption raised in incorruption, to stand before God to be judged according to the deeds which have been done in the mortal body?
16 I say unto you, can you imagine to yourselves that ye hear the voice of the Lord, saying unto you, in that day: Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth?
18 Or otherwise, can ye imagine yourselves brought before the tribunal of God with your souls filled with guilt and remorse, having a remembrance of all your guilt, yea, a perfect remembrance of all your wickedness, yea, a remembrance that ye have set at defiance the commandments of God?
21 I say unto you, ye will know at that day that ye cannot be saved; for there can no man be saved except his garments are washed white; yea, his garments must be purified until they are cleansed from all stain, through the blood of him of whom it has been spoken by our fathers, who should come to redeem his people from their sins.
This is what a mighty change of heart looks like. Anything else is just smoke and mirrors.
The Cupcake Warrior
Stay Sweet, Be Stong!