The Lies I Tell Myself…

I have been having a particularly rough week.  It becomes harder when I realize that nobody really cares that much what is going on with me, I get it, people have their own lives. I should just get over this and move on.  That is funny to me.  My right arm has been cut off and I am bleeding out, but I should just get over it? I know the intentions are good when people say this to me, they love me and want me to be happy.  I want me to be happy too! But there are those days, you know the ones, where everything comes flooding back in unexpectedly, with no warning.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I keep telling myself that eventually, Ex-hubby, will come to his sense.  He will wake up one day and magically understand that he is an addict. He will finally understand how badly he has hurt me and his family, and he will be so sorry that he is willing to do anything to make it right!  Finally!  I pray for that day.  I fantasize about it.  I dream about it.  I hope it will happen.  Even after all that has happened, because, bottomline, I still love him. We were meant to be together.  We were married for 38 years, after all.  Not all of them were awful. Most of them were wonderful, happy and peaceful.  The man he is now, is not the man I married.  The man I married is what I want back. Desperately. He knows this.  I have told him a million times that if he would get serious about recovery that he could have me back.  This just falls on deaf ears.  He doesn’t believe me.  So here we are…divorced. I hate it. (He left me with no other choice, but that is another story for another day.)

Anyway, I woke up feeling terrorized yesterday because I had a dream that he was getting married again.  My biggest fear, being acted out in the theater of my mind.  Sleep often doesn’t bring peace, it just continues the conscience nightmare to an unconscience one. The days and nights blur together in a never ending suspense movie, starring me, trapped in the hell, which is my mind.

Breaking free is what recovery is all about.  I need to quit lying to myself.  The reality is, he may never come back. He probably won’t.  He may always be an addict.  Chances are more than even that he will find someone to take my place.  It is excuriating to think that he could replace me. Replace us.  Toss out our “Forever Family.”  There is a quote that was popular when I was a teenager that keeps running through my mind:

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you then they are yours, if they don’t, they never were.

transforming-anger-pain-and-fear-l-0mhq6s

This is where the rubber meets to road.  I set him free because he would not choose me over his addiction.  Now I wait to see if he will come back.  The lie I tell myself is that he will eventually.  The truth is, he won’t.  When I told my kids about my dream, one of them said, “that is something we all need to wrap our brains around, because it will probably happen sooner than we think.”  She’s right.

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