betrayal, Coping, My Story, Trauma Recovery

The Lies I Tell Myself…

I have been having a particularly rough week.  It becomes harder when I realize that nobody really cares that much what is going on with me, I get it, people have their own lives. I should just get over this and move on.  That is funny to me.  My right arm has been cut off and I am bleeding out, but I should just get over it? I know the intentions are good when people say this to me, they love me and want me to be happy.  I want me to be happy too! But there are those days, you know the ones, where everything comes flooding back in unexpectedly, with no warning.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I keep telling myself that eventually, the Cheater, will come to his sense.  He will wake up one day and magically understand that he is an addict. He will finally understand how badly he has hurt me and his family, and he will be so sorry that he is willing to do anything to make it right!  Finally!  I pray for that day.  I fantasize about it.  I dream about it.  I hope it will happen.  Even after all that has happened, because, bottomline, I still love him. We were meant to be together.  We were married for 38 years, after all.  Not all of them were awful. Most of them were wonderful, happy and peaceful.  The man he is now, is not the man I married.  The man I married is what I want back. Desperately. He knows this.  I have told him a million times that if he would get serious about recovery that he could have me back.  This just falls on deaf ears.  He doesn’t believe me.  So here we are…divorced. I hate it. (He left me with no other choice, but that is another story for another day.)

Anyway, I woke up feeling terrorized yesterday because I had a dream that he was getting married again.  My biggest fear, being acted out in the theater of my mind.  Sleep often doesn’t bring peace, it just continues the conscience nightmare to an unconscience one. The days and nights blur together in a never ending suspense movie, starring me, trapped in the hell, which is my mind.

Breaking free is what recovery is all about.  I need to quit lying to myself.  The reality is, he may never come back. He probably won’t.  He may always be an addict.  Chances are more than even that he will find someone to take my place.  It is excuriating to think that he could replace me. Replace us.  Toss out our “Forever Family.”  There is a quote that was popular when I was a teenager that keeps running through my mind:

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you then they are yours, if they don’t, they never were.

transforming-anger-pain-and-fear-l-0mhq6s

This is where the rubber meets to road.  I set him free because he would not choose me over his addiction.  Now I wait to see if he will come back.  The lie I tell myself is that he will eventually.  The truth is, he won’t.  When I told my kids about my dream, one of them said, “that is something we all need to wrap our brains around, because it will probably happen sooner than we think.”  She’s right.

The Cupcake Warrior

chocolate cupcake warrior

“Stay Sweet, Be Strong”

betrayal, Coping, healing, My Story, Trauma Recovery

“Lord, Save Me!”

When I think about my life now I have this feeling of anxiousness.  Sort of like I am going to crawl out of my skin.  You know that feeling, right? Somedays it is absolutely paralyzing.  I don’t know what to do first.  I feel scattered and tossed about by every whim of the day, like a feather caught on the breeze.  Floating around out there, I am not quite sure where I am going to land.  I long for the feeling of being settled, secure and safe. Grounded. Rooted in something solid.  I don’t like feeling like a feather. It causes me to feel vulnerable in ways that are uncomfortable.  I want to feel like an oak tree.

My ex-husband’s addiction has severed me from everything that anchored me to the solid foundation I once had.  The love of my life. Our family. Friends. Church. Nothing is the same anymore. All of it shattered into a million pieces. Floating.  Out there is my life, somewhere.  I want it back. Here’s the rub, I will never get it back and I know it.  Getting my life back is utterly dependent on the choices of another, who has no interest in choosing me, choosing us.  So here I am. Starting life over…at my age. Geez!  Life is so unfair. This really bites!

Sometimes, like today – I wake up feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. Monday’s are the worst!  I have so many things I could be doing, should be doing; working on my business, keeping up with school work, recovery work and housework. Where do I begin. Sigh. My life is a mess.  I know it is a mess.  I want it back.  Where do I start? I need a plan. Something SOLID that I can sink my teeth into! Let’s make this week count!  Darn it!

I’m scared.  So frightened of the new week.  Can I get it right this time or will I ultimately end up checking out and wasting my time on things that have no worth? Can I create something beautiful out of the chaos? I know I can, I have done it before, but I am in uncharted territory here.  I have never been in this position or anything remotely like it. There is no frame of reference, no similar experiences, no map…nothing. I suppose that is why it feel so unnerving.  There isn’t anything in my past experience to relate it to, so how am I supposed to know what to do? I need a plan. Something simple.  I can’t handle complicated at this point.

I had an epiphany this morning during my scripture study – EPIPHANY – I like that word.  It’s fun to say, and it’s a big word that makes me feel smart! Anyway…where was I…oh, yeah…scripture study.

I am studying by topic this year.  My one little word for the year is FORWARD.  Can you tell I am and ready to move out of the chaos that is my life? So I am researching and studying everything in the scriptures, conference talks, or words of the Prophets that have to do with pressing forward.  I could write several blog post on what I am learning, but I will save that for another time.  Today, I mentioned I had an epiphany. Something that will help me create order from the chaos…

It’s actually pretty simple.  “Lord, save me!” Peter’s exact words when he stepped out of the boat and walk on the water in his effort to come unto Christ. The most amazing thing about this story to me is Peter stepped out of the boat in the middle of a raging storm to walk on the water, so great was his desire to go to his Lord!  He was conquering the chaos as long as he kept his focus on Jesus, but the second he noticed the storm raging around him, he sank. Like a rock. (Peter, the rock!  Get it?)  Peter taught me an important lesson here.  Chaos can abound in my life, the storms will rage and anxiety can overwhelm me, but if I keep my eyes on the Savior, I will not sink into the depths of the sea and become overpowered. And then those powerful words for those times I falter and I am overpowered – “Lord, save me!”

So here is the plan for this week:

When life is an overwhelming blog of chaos and an unorganized mess. I cry out, “Lord, save me!”  This is the only way to do it, I believe.  Who else is mighty enough to save me?  No one!  Who knows what is best for me?  Who has my back?  Who knows what I need to do first, next and last?  He does!  All I need to do is to ask.  However, there is a certain amount of effort I have to make on my part to tap into His powerful saving grace. I cannot just go about my life, getting myself into a tangled mess and then expect Him to miraculously step in and keep me from drowning.  I have to do my part.  But what is my part?

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the words of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father; ye shall have eternal life.” (The Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 31:20)

I draw your attention to two parts I must do; 1. Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, and 2. Press forward feasting upon the words of Christ. From these two things I gathered that I cannot reasonably expect Him to save me if I don’t make Him a priority in my life.  Being steadfast means to have commitment, dedication and perseverance.  Feasting means more than a casual snack with the scriptures. The formula is clear; I make Him a priority + ask for His help = He will save me!  Easy huh?  Well, no.  Not really.  This is hard work. I need to make the effort to draw near to Him. For me, this is totally worth it though.  In a life of unknowns and in uncharted territory this seems to be the only way.

If I have ever needed Him more at anytime in my life, it is now!  Most days I feel like I cannot go 5 minutes without crying out, “Lord, save me!”  This week I am going to make this a priority to place my focus on Him and what he wants me to do, then maybe I will start to see  better forward progress than I could make on my own. I whittled it down to 4 steps:

  1. Focus on Christ to make Him a priority on my life.
  2. Feast upon the scriptures.
  3. Ask Him what he wants me to do first, middle and last.
  4. Tap into the power of His grace by including Him in the process, don’t go it alone.

The Father’s plan, the Savior’s Atonement, and the ordinances of the gospel provide the GRACE we need to PRESS FORWARD and progress, line upon line, precept upon precept toward our eternal destiny.” Elder David A. Bednar

Tell me how you make beauty out of the chaos of your life –

“Stay Strong, Be Sweet!”

chocolate cupcake warrior

The Cupcake Warrior